1. And Then There Are Some Hostess Products That, Even Now, Nobody Wants

    Nor will anyone miss.

    Fourteen pounds of Hostess Holiday Fruitcake still available at Walmart in West Hills, folks!

    No need to rush! Doubtful they’re going anywhere soon.

    Posted by on November 24, 2012, 10:42 PM.

  2. A Day For Giving Thanks!

    …for my world-famous deviled eggs – that is, if you were lucky enough to wrangle an invite to stately Parsnips manor.

    Mmmm-mmm! That’s a gooooood deviled egg! Good deviled egg!

    While you’re here, why not add something to the always-falling-off-the-fridge Kitchen White Board, a Parsnips Family Tradition that I started last night while preparing my renowned Sea Foam Salad and drinking.

    I think there’s a little room left next to Boolreenkle. However, before you add anything, if you could sketch a rough image of what you intend to do on this cocktail napkin here. Just so I can be sure it fits the theme and that you have a good grasp of the  house style. (Yes, yes, “pepperoni” and “shrimps” went up there when I wasn’t looking – what can you do?)

    Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving to one and all of, what, the six of you.

    Posted by on November 22, 2012, 1:37 PM.

  3. Helping the Stupid People!

    It’s what I do!

    Why did I buy these?

    To help the stupid people, of course!

    By purchasing these, it’s one less package for some dumbass to waste his or her money on and then put on eBay in hopes that they’re the only genius who thought of this and that they’re actually going to become rich selling secondhand Twinkies.

    Also, I wanted something I could feel good about for breakfast tomorrow.

    Posted by on November 16, 2012, 4:57 PM.

  4. What’s Bueno: Taco Bell Home Originals!

    “SURE, I like Taco Bell food,” we’ve all of us said, “but driving to Taco Bell, sitting in the car, talking to that impersonal squawk box, and then having to reach out the window to grab the bag – really, who has time for all that hassle?!”

    Then along came Taco Bell Home Originals – “Taco Bell” because it’s made by the good folks at Taco Bell, “Home” because that’s where you prepare it, and “Originals” because evidently it was Opposite Day in the marketing department when they decided on a name.

    And what could be easier? Just go to the 99¢ Only Store, pick up a box of Taco Bell Home Originals (in this case “Cheesy Double Decker Taco Dinner”), ground beef, lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream. (I suppose this really is a “Home Original” because the restaurant version includes refried beans though the picture on the box above does not. But you’re already in the store, so you can pick up a can of those, too.)

    By the way, you’re going to have to drop by the supermarket as well: Many 99¢ Onlys now sell some produce and dairy products but sadly, fresh ground beef hasn’t yet made it to their hallowed and discounted aisles. Someday…!

    Once you get home, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work – browning the beef, washing the tomatoes and lettuce, and respectively dicing and shredding them. Better get those refried beans out of the can and into a small pot on the stove. Now lay down your tortillas, open up that nacho cheese sauce packet and squeeze away, brother! Ooh, don’t forget to stir the beans! Next, simply place a hard taco shell on each tortilla, wrap it around – careful now, that cheese sauce gets everywhere! And be gentle, friend! Too hard and you’ll snap the two shells that weren’t already a jigsaw puzzle of sharp, broken shards when you opened the box.

    Time to start spooning in the ground beef (you remembered to drain it, right?), dolloping on some sour cream, and adding lettuce and a sprinkling of diced tomatoes. Wait, what’s that burning smell?!  Oh, no – the beans! Surely you’ll be able to salvage a tablespoon or so of them. Eh…except they were supposed to go on the tortillas with the cheese. Ah well. Next time, right?

    How you’ll chuckle to yourself as you think about the plight of those poor suckers sitting in the drive-thru line down the street as you prepare this fun and delicious homemade Taco Bell meal, and then again later as you clean up the kitchen and do all those dishes. (Better let the refried bean pot soak overnight.) Oh, and remember to stop at the ATM on the way to work tomorrow because somehow you’re out of cash.

    Anyway, like me, you’re baffled how such an awesome product ended up at the 99¢ Only Store, but also like me, you’re sure glad it did.

    Posted by on November 12, 2012, 9:00 AM.

  5. What’s Bueno: Liberté Yogurt!

    AS YOU KNOW, one of the current food trends is Greek-style yogurt. Greek-style yogurt is currently trending. [Eugh.]

    So when I saw these things at the 99¢ Only Store at two for 99¢ only…

    …I knew I had to try them. Oh, sure, I act like I don’t care what other folks think, but the truth is, I’m very insecure. I need you, what, six people to know I’m eating the trendy foods.

    Anyway, holy mother of God, this yogurt is the best yogurt in the history of yogurt! I’m not kidding! It’s amazing! Oh ho ho, let me tell you, brother – you have never tasted yogurt like this yogurt. It’s nectar of the gods, in yogurtal form. It’s-just-that-good!

    I devoured it in a matter of mere seconds. This involved me darting my long, Gene Simmons-like tongue into every recess of the plastic receptacle so that not a bit, not a single beneficial bacteria culture of delicious yogurt was wasted. And as I was carrying the empty cup to the trash, I noticed this:

    Total fat 18%!  Saturated fat 37%! And sugars – 26 grams! For six lousy ounces! No wonder it tastes so good! It’s all fat mixed with heaping tablespoons of sugar, practically!

    This changes everything!

    …Oh screw it, who am I kidding? This changes nothing.

    Well, maybe to offset this delicious taste treat, I’ll try and limit myself to just one of Marie Callender’s nutritious 16.5 ounce Creamy Parmesan Chicken Pot Pies for dinner tonight. Try.

    Posted by on November 7, 2012, 4:52 AM.

  6. The Last Bottle of Lemon Juice I’ll Ever Have to Buy!

    LIKE YOU, I was making guacamole the other night.

    As everyone knows, you add lemon juice to prevent browning. Who wants brown guacamole? No one, that’s who!

    My bottle of Mid East Lemon Blend was near empty, and I used the rest of it on the guac!

    I’d have to remember to buy more.

    Or would I? No, friends, I would not – because I noticed this on the back of the label:

    Anyway, it’s been over a day now and it’s still empty. Does anyone know how long it takes for a bottle of lemon juice to grow back?

    Posted by on November 2, 2012, 6:23 PM.

  7. Shouldn’t Box Tops

    be on the top of the box?

    Posted by on October 18, 2012, 10:13 PM.

  8. Recently at Red Baron Pizza Corporate Headquarters…

    Posted by on , 2:45 AM.

  9. Exciting Cereal News!

    AS YOU KNOW, I always enjoy learning of new advances in the cereal sciences, but since even the most current breakfast cereal websites seem to have been last updated to announce the demise of General Mills’ Sir Grapefellow in 1972, I’ve found that the only way to stay “in the know” is to get out there in the field and find the news myself!

    And it was on a recent fact-finding (and sock-buying) mission to Target that I happened across this:

    I speak for all of us when I say “Thank you, Quaker! It’s about damned time!”

    To hell with the bowl, damn the milk – sometimes you simply want a handful of dry cereal just to munch on! Sure, we’ve all been there – you don’t have to explain to me!

    Maybe you’re outside with your MacBook Pro on your lap by a field of California buttercups. Well, that enormous box of Cap’n Crunch’s Crunchberries isn’t going to fit on the small 4-1/4″ x 3-1/2″ inch area below the keyboard and to the right of the trackpad. Not without you knocking it to the ground every time you hit the enter key, you clumsy oaf!

    But as this image from the back of the box shows, a curiously near-overflowing packet of Snack’ems is right at home there! Fits like a glove, it does!

    Crunchy nuts, granola clusters, chocolate chips, marshmallows, M&Ms – these are just some of the traditional delicious snack mix elements you won’t find in a packet of Cap’n Crunch’s Crunchberries Snack’ems! No sirree – Cap’n Crunch’s Crunchberries Snack’ems contain just pure, unadulterated Cap’n Crunch’s Crunchberries cereal! Nothing more! The exact same stuff that’s in this box, to be precise:

    As long as we’re here, let’s take a look at the price – just for fun! – of this box of cereal, hmm?

    $3.04 for an 18.7 ounce box. Seems reasonable. After all, this is Target – the home of reasonable prices!

    Now, uh, just out of curiosity – again, just for laughs! – do we have a price on the Snack’ems?

    We do?!  Excellent! Let’s take a look!

    Hmm! $2.99! Also seems reasonable, right? Oh, wait, how much does the Snack’ems box weigh?

    2.4 ounces?

    No, c’mon. How much does it really weigh? Seriously now.

    2.4 ounces?! Really? That’s it?! Holy crap.

    So in other words, for a lousy nickel more – $3.04 for the regular box of Crunchberries versus $2.99 for Snack’ems containing five tiny packets – I get over seven times the amount of food?

    And all I’d have to do is take five stupid Ziplock bags and grab a handful of cereal out of the box – a handful much larger than the Snack’ems packs’ stingy 0.49 ounce amount – and put it in each one…and still have enough Cap’n Crunch to eat with milk, from a bowl, with a spoon, like a civilized human being, for probably over a week?!

    That’s it. I’ve heard enough.

    Awright, men!  Tie him up!

    Posted by on October 13, 2012, 3:32 AM.

  10. Well, There Goes My Saturday Night!

    Hmm… I wonder how much pure vanilla extract I can buy for two bucks.

    Posted by on October 6, 2012, 6:03 PM.

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