1. Ah, The Innocence of Youth!

    LAST WEEK I had to take Bryce to buy some new clothes.

    He’s at the age where what he wears is becoming important to him, so the days of dragging him into Goodwill, having him try on something that more or less fits, snapping off the tags, and then quickly walking back out to the car are over. (Plus some of their locations have security cameras now – imagine!)

    You’re thinking, “Ted, you poor bastard – Bryce obviously inherited those gorgeous Parsnips genes so you must be going broke buying his wardrobe at Hollister and A&F!”

    I wish!  

    No, we live in the filthy West Valley, so he’s trying to “fit in” by dressing like everyone else around here: He insists we shop at that place next to 99¢ Only where all the local gang-bangers buy (or I guess steal – ha!) their clothes.

    I bought him his Chucks and his knee-high white socks and his oversized khaki Dickie shorts and his wife-beater and black and white flannel jacket…but when we were walking out he saw something – and his reaction just about melted my heart.


    “Daddy, can I have 75¢ for the Guns N Grenades machine? Pleeease?”



    How could I say no? Of course I gave it to him. He may be growing up, but it’s moments like this that make me realize he’ll always be my little boy.

    Posted by on May 28, 2013, 4:56 AM.

  2. Walmart’s 2013 Memorial Day T-Shirt!

    EACH Memorial Day, I head into Walmart, find their patriotic t-shirt offering for that year, and look at the label to see where it’s made!

    It’s a blog post that has become a time-honored Ted Parsnips tradition!

    And it’s not particularly surprising, or at this point, even slightly amusing, but if we know one thing here in America, it’s that even if something is no longer really working for us, like Daylight Savings Time, or Attorney General Eric Holder (Hey! This is not a political blog!), we don’t bother to make changes. We just keep things the way they are! Inefficient consistency at the cost of all else!  That’s the American way!

    So here’s the t-shirt!


    And here’s where it’s made! China! Awesome!


    Now you’re asking “Since it also has the Spanish translation for ‘Made In CHINA’ inside the collar, isn’t it racist for them not to also have the Spanish language equivalent for ‘I [heart] USA’ – which would be ‘Me [heart] EE.UU’ – alongside the design on the front?”

    Look, I don’t want to get involved in any of this. I’m probably already on some kind of government watch list for that Daylight Savings Time crack.

    Posted by on May 25, 2013, 4:39 AM.

  3. Set Your HandiHalers to Wheeze!

    I SAW perhaps the strangest of all summer movie tie-ins the other day during “The Price Is Right.”

    It’s a commercial for some sort of medicine, and while they never come out and say it, it’s obviously a subtle promotion for the new summer blockbuster “Star Trek: Into Whosis” or whatever the hell it’s called, because it’s a sixty-second homage to one of the original series’ most famous episodes.

    Anyway, in the spot [industry term], a man from far in the future is banished along with a vicious elephant from a war-like alien race, for reasons never made clear, to the desolate desert planet Spiriva.


    There he is pitted against the space elephant in a fight to the death. Sound familiar yet?  Mm-hmm.

    The elephant tries to crush him by sitting on his chest. (Luckily he escapes.)


    Then the enormous creature chases him around a lot.  Kind of slowly.

    Oh my God!  He’s right behind you!


    Apparently the gravity on Spiriva is much stronger than that of earth, or the atmosphere is thinner or something, because they’re really just walking around. Strolling, almost.


    Look out!  He’s gaining on you! (I…think.)


    Here they’ve forged a momentary truce  so everyone can just catch their breath. Phew!


    But the chase – and the fight – continues.

    Just when things seem their worse, and the elephant has cornered his victim and is ready to pounce…


    …the man – using the planet’s natural resources of diamonds, a hollow, bamboo-like plant, and tiotropium bromide powder – manages to construct a weapon known as a bronchodilator…


    …and defeats his pachyderm alien adversary.

    Thank goodness there’s very few blogs that feature both “Star Trek” and prescription medication hilarity, or I’d get no traffic at all.

    Posted by on May 18, 2013, 11:15 AM.

  4. A New Snack Cracker, By Jingo!

    WHAT’S new and taken for granted today is the lovingly remembered crap of tomorrow!

    Here’s an exclusive sneak preview of what jackasses will be posting on Flickr in the year 2053!

    Oh settle down, all of you. Everyone likes old packages.

    And believe me, I went easy on you people.

    Posted by on May 14, 2013, 2:59 AM.

  5. Manscaping: Not Just For Girls!

    I know! I’m as stunned as you are!


    …Well, at least it doesn’t say “Got Manscaping?”

    Posted by on May 9, 2013, 4:31 AM.

  6. For the Billionaire Playboy / Engineer / Superhero On the Go!

    ¡Es Muy Bueno!

    How does Tony Stark keep a showroom finish on that suit, sequel after sequel?


    Iron Man 3 Wipes To Go! of course.

    They’re perfect for mopping up that glob of Filet-o-Fish tartar sauce that dripped onto your arc reactor at lunch or for a more thorough cleanup after flying through, and startling, a flock of Canadian geese.

    Posted by on May 8, 2013, 1:14 AM.

  7. It’s All So Confusing!


    “Got PROM?”

    It doesn’t make any sense, man!

    I get it, I get it.  It’s a takeoff on the “got milk?” ads. Of course I know that.

    No, what doesn’t make any sense is that businesses are still awkwardly ripping off a tagline from an ad campaign that reached the peak of its popularity more than a decade ago.

    Of course it’s an improvement over the slogan they had on their banner last year, which took its inspiration from an even older commercial, and made even less sense.


    Posted by on May 7, 2013, 4:06 AM.

  8. Excitement At Canoga Park High School!

    YESTERDAY morning was a scary one for the future Nobel Prize winners over there at Canoga Park High School – through a variety of sources I’ve been able to piece together the story:

    Some dumbass was across the street at Taco Bell acting suspiciously.

    Perhaps – and this is merely conjecture on my part – he ordered a regular taco as opposed to one of those new Cool Ranch Dorito dealies that are all the rage. This, you’ll agree, would have raised eyebrows.


    School security was alerted, they confronted said moron – who apparently had a gun! He then fled across Topanga Canyon Boulevard (No easy feat! Four lanes of busy, busy traffic and no one knows how to drive around here!) and onto the school grounds…which was then put on lockdown for the next three hours.

    Thankfully, the suspect dropped the gun (and presumably the taco if indeed he was eating one – again, just a theory from this armchair detective) but it was quite some time before the police actually found him.

    No further information – who? why? which type of hot sauce? – seems to be available, and frankly, if it’s a story involving a nutjob with a gun at a school that ends this way, that’s great. I don’t really need any further information; the cops nailed the bastard and most importantly, no one was hurt.


    So in that respect – potential tragedy averted – yes, it was a ‘great day’ for Canoga Park High School.

    Still, they…eh…they might want to rethink that mascot.

    Posted by on May 3, 2013, 3:57 AM.

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