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Apparently All That Cookie Unpleasantness Is Ancient History
BACK IN 2009, some blogger stirred up some trouble when she realized that Walmart was selling store brand knockoff versions of a coupla of Girl Scout Cookies — Thin Mints and whatever the peanut butter ones are called. The good peanut butter ones. (Not those awful dry peanut butter sandwich cookie ones that no one likes.)
Anyway, it was a big deal for a few days and people picked sides, and we went to war, and many good people died. But me, I never understood what the issue was since Keebler already had been selling their own knockoffs of Thin Mints, the peanut butter ones (the good peanut butter ones) and even the Samoa ones for some time before this without anyone calling Keebler “evil” — a descriptor that Walmart didn’t escape in that little fracas (nor any other one, it seems).
So that was, what?, eight years ago. Then last year it was announced that Kelloggs was going to be releasing a Keebler chocolate chip cookie cereal, and the cereal blogs went crazy over that — those that update their content, that is. Not to be outdone, General Mills spoke of plans for a “limited edition” Girl Scouts Cookie Thin Mint cereal and the internet really went ballistic, with thousands upon thousands of people glancing at the various articles referencing it that appeared in their Facebook feed — and many even taking that all-important extra step of showing their unbridled enthusiasm by clicking “Like” and writing asinine comments like “can’t wait” and “ooh, luv me some thin mints.” Now that’s commitment!
Anyway, as regular readers of this blog know, this afternoon I was in Walmart and I saw both of them…
…and there they were, side-by-side, best of friends. I guess it’s nice to know that Walmart, Keebler and the Girl Scouts of America have all buried the hatchet.
However, I can’t resist pointing out that at 18.5 ounces, the “Family Size” box of Girl Scout Cookie Thin Mint Cereal ($3.98), weighs more than twice as much as a box of Girl Scouts’ Thin Mints — which are currently being sold here in Southern California for $5 a box(!).
I checked the Girl Scout website and their cookie-sellin’ schedule says they’ll be outside my local Walmart sellin’ cookies this Saturday from noon to three.
So my dilemma is whether to mock the little girls as I leave the store by refusing to buy their cookies but waving a box of their own licensed cereal in their faces, or to mock them by refusing to buy their cookies but waving a package of Walmart’s mint cookies at them.
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¿What’s Bueno at the Dollar Store? ¡Captain America Pretzels!
Here’s a ¿What’s Bueno? item for the 16.67% of my, what?, six readers who are big fans of all them Marvel superheroes:
Available at 99¢ Only, it’s a bag of organic pretzels with Captain America on the package!
Since pretzels are already a low-fat snack, and these are organic as well, here’s a snack I can feel good about eating!
…And as such, I wanted nothing to do with them, instead choosing something sweet & fatty from the Hostess shelf.
They’re also made in the USA, so that’s a good fit for patriotic Captain America! Heaven knows we Americans have had it up to here with all those cheap, imported pretzels. No artificial flavors, either — and I can’t tell you how sick I am of eating half a bag of pretzels before noticing the first ingredient listed on the bag is “artificial pretzel flavoring.” Not a problem here, folks!
Best of all, the irony of Super Soldier Serum-enhanced Captain America appearing on an organic brand called “Pure Growth” makes these pretzels — which, again I didn’t buy and have never tasted — that much more delicious!
My rating: 6.5 out of 7 stars, because why not? No one reads these things for the ratings anyway. Who am I kidding? No one reads these things period.
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Apparently Homer Simpson Is Now Designing Candy
Well, it looks like some kind of Simpsons-type joke come to life, anyway.
Kind of an unfortunate name, too.
All it’s missing is the rich, creamery butter.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t eat them, though.
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Here’s a No-Brainer, 99¢ Only Store-Style!
Eight lousy ounces of lame, “lite” whipped topping for 99¢ only…or sixteen ounces — that’s a full pound or pint (depending on whether the whipped topping self-identifies as a solid or a liquid ) — of the regular, fatty, good kind for that same 99¢ only!
And if for some reason you’re still on the fence, here, let me push you over with this bit of information: You’re only saving a lousy 5 calories per serving by eating the lite version!
Anyway, I trust you’ll make the right decision.
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The Lady On The Placemat!
REMEMBER how the other day I was going on and on and on about coloring books and then it devolved into me complaining about the lousy image quality on WordPress? Sure, we all do.
Well, as regular readers of this blog know, the other night I had dinner at El Gallo Giro. (I of course had one of those tortas — or ‘Mexican sandwiches of deliciousness.’)
So while I was waiting for them to prepare it, I noticed on top of one of their counters, they had little boxes of crayons…and placemats, that — following this recent trend of coloring in things — that you can color in.
As you would have done, I distracted the counter-help and stole one!
Here it is!
“Yeah, big deal, Ted, you jackass! You’re always stealing something! That’s how you people are!”
Okay, you got me — and my people — there (sheesh, I tell ya, us Slovaks are the last demographic it’s still perfectly acceptable to stereotype!). But aren’t you at least the least bit curious about her?
The lady, I mean! No, no — not Abuelita, at the left end of the table.
This one, below, at the right end of the table! Look! Look!
This one! Up there! Her!
The rest of the people were obviously drawn by one person, in the Gallo Giro coloring placemat illustration house-style [industry term], but she sticks out like a sore thumb! Or more precisely, like an overlong finger!
Anyway, I contacted Frank H. Knudsen, Jr., head of Coloring Placemat Design at Gallo Giro Corporate and he said—
…Okay, no, of course I didn’t contact anyone!
But today I noticed Gallo Giro’s current billboard and ads feature that same lady, in real-life, and so that’s why she’s on this month’s placemat.
Like you, I love that they used her image, in line-art form [graphic design term] for that thing! But more importantly: mystery solved — we can all go to bed now!
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Earlier Tonight At Wendy’s!
“Big news, Budek: We’re really heating things up with our Jalapeno Fresco Spicy Chicken Sandwich which features Wendy’s signature spicy blend and 100% all white meat chicken breast, topped with fresh, diced jalapenos and specially made ghost pepper sauce, and capped with a bakery-inspired, freshly toasted red jalapeno bun.
“And you know, Budek, the heat is complemented with savory flavors from warm, melty cheese sauce, delicious Colby Pepper Jack cheese — and a crunchy red onion.
“So, Budek, I need you to get up on that ladder and change the sign to tell our customers about it. And I need you to do it right away!”
“I already did it, Boss.”
“You did?! When?”
“Oh, gust a few minutes ago.”
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Cereal Fun to Start the Week!
HERE’S a quick one I came up with to start off your week with a real laugh!
I was in the 99¢ Only Store recently. (Big surprise, right — it’s like I’m always there!)
Anyway, I saw this:
And I didn’t buy it — get this — I didn’t buy it because it’s clearly a low-rent knockoff of Kellogg’s vastly superior “Chocolate Agenda!”
Ha! There you go! Enjoy!
You send this one into Jimmy Fallon, you be sure to put my name on it.
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Salt and Pepper’s Here!
AS regular readers of this blog know, I’m currently visiting my father — “Father,” as he is known — here in Virginia.
Like you would, if he was your father, I rooted around in his cabinets. Figured maybe I’d change everything around in a manner that makes sense to me, as opposed to whatever ridiculous system he’s used to.
Elderly folks love when their visiting children do stuff like that!
Anyway, I came across two of his more exotic spices — “salt” and “pepper.”
Why, here they are now — ladies and gentlemen, let’s give them a big, big hand!
Upon close inspection of these salt & pepper shakers, it occurred to me to wonder — as it would occur to you to wonder if he was your father — why the hell are the tops of them all dented in?
What’s going on here?
They’re not outrageously misshaped, but there’s some dentage there, oh yes!
Then I realized, Father, he’s a man’s man! He seasons his damn food like he means it!
That must be it! Mystery solved!
However, we can’t rule out that those dents didn’t come from him throwing them at the noggin of the last know-it-all kid who decided to reorganize his home.
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This Is Not The Non-Dairy Coffee Creamer You Are Looking For
But if my Jedi Mind Trick didn’t work on you, and it is the non-dairy coffee creamer you’re looking for, and you’re a collector, here’s a tip: There’s mint-in-package and there’s rancid French Vanilla in package, the latter of which is what you’ll get if you don’t empty it out before you give it an honored space next to your vinyl-cape Jawa and your Topps C3P0 penis card. And brother, if you don’t pour it out, eventually that plastic bottle’s going to swell and swell and swell…and then following a sudden explosion of Death Star proportions, you’re going to be spending the next few months cleaning chunkified high oleic soybean oil off of every piece of Star Wars memorabilia you’ve spent the last 38 years collecting. Or I guess the short version of all that is: “Oh geez, look, R2D2 Coffee Mate.”
While we’re discussing Star Wars, there’s this, too, which I also saw at Walmart today:
As with all inflatable Christmas lawn decorations, it’s hideous and you wouldn’t want it on your lawn or your neighbors’ lawn or anywhere that you’d have to see it, and you’d be forgiven if you ran merrily around your neighborhood with a steak knife and permanently disabled any you could find. (You’d be forgiven by me, anyway. I don’t have much sway with your neighbors, the homeowners association, or the local police.) The point is, as awful is it is, it still makes some sense in an absurd and not particularly funny way, and I get it.
This one I don’t get:
It’s just a Star Wars character. On your lawn. And, uh, it happens to be Christmastime.
As horrible and ridiculous as the other one is, at least they tied it into Christmas by having Darth Vader take a break from choking disbelievers to death and building a snowman and tossing wrapped presents around it.
Couldn’t they give this guy a corncob pipe or something? A button nose? Two eyes made out of carbonite, maybe?
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Recently, @Wendy’s!
“Budek! Just got a memo from Corporate! They want us to push— …Budek? Budek!”
“Choost a second! I yim almost finished. …Annnd sended! Jes, what is it, Boss?”
“Budek, shame on you! You know my policy against smartphone use during work hours! Put that thing away!
Anyway, Corporate wants us to push the spicy chicken sandwich! We want customers to know we’ve added our own special mix of spices — black pepper, red pepper, and chili pepper to their favorite chicken breast. Topped with mayo, lettuce, and red, ripe tomato, Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich is more delicious and harder to resist than ever.
So up on your ladder, Budek, and make me proud!”
::ping!::
“Hold on, Boss. ‘Can’t…chat…now…boss…being…’ Boss, how is it you spell the bag of dush?”
“The sign, Budek, the sign!”
Soon…
Ted Parsnips
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