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Man Will Reportedly Hand Out Letters Instead Of Candy To Children With Stupid Parents Or Who Work In The News Media!
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Like I’m A Piece Of Meat!
Hey, look at the sign I saw at the gym!
I’m a bit confused, though. Today is “Member Appreciation Day”…? Just today…?
Judging by the ogling I’m constantly subjected to by those lookie-loos in the showers, I thought every day was “Member Appreciation Day!” Ha ha ha!
Sure, I laugh now, but I always leave that locker room feeling optically violated. And yet it’s the women in there who complain about me!
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Finding the Lord at the Post Office!
LIKE YOU, I always find religious tracts at the post office when I go there to check my mail.
Last week, I came across this one:
A bit of a play on an old idiom, “JESUS LOVED YOU SO MUCH IT HURT,” it reads, with His hand impaled to the cross with a garish splash of blood where the spike’s been driven through. If they were going for shock value, it got my attention, even living as I do in our so-called “advanced” society where violence – in movies, in video games, on TV and in real life – is so disturbingly commonplace.
I called up the number on the back of the tract and told the man who answered that its graphic message had intrigued me. I wanted answers.
“My son,” the priest on the other end of the line explained, “We only had a budget for two colors.”
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Son of a Glitch!
BACK IN AUGUST, Leo Laporte, on his show The Tech Guy, sheepishly admitted to having spent three hundred dollars on the mobile game “The Simpsons: Tapped Out” by Electronic Arts before it crapped out: The game irreparably crashed and he was done with it.
Leo went on to half-jokingly (?) advise listeners to “never, ever, ever, ever, ever play an Electronic Arts game,” because “they don’t care [and] they will break your heart.” Though he said it all laughingly, my guess is he was more annoyed than he let on but didn’t want to piss off a large tech company.
But I can understand his sentiments: EA Games quarterly report announced they had already made over $50 million on Tapped Out since it debuted in February 2012, and almost $10 million of that was in March of this year.
Given all that money, any glitches and problems with the game might seem inexcusable. Questions about problems with the game are ignored on EA’s own message boards and forums so many players instead head over to fansite “Tapped Out Tips” to find answers.
I’ve been lucky – I’ve had few problems with the game, aside from it quitting abruptly from time to time (and more so than ever during their current Halloween event). But I have seen my share of texture glitches. Click here to see my first post on this topic.
And, well, since that entry got a lot of hits, here’s a bunch more glitches I took screen caps of since then!
No, that’s not Jesus walking on water. That’s the stupid do-nothing Fiddler I accidentally bought for 50 donuts and now she doesn’t know her place – namely the Squidport boardwalk.
The mob has taken over Springfield – or at least its headquarters, the Legitimate Businessman’s Social Club, has taken over all my brown houses.
Channel 6 is experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.
It’s like the day after Halloween – a series of broken eggs litter the streets of Springfield.
The Aztec Theater glitches itself into the Googolplex.
Able to leap Valentine’s trees in a single bound, it’s SuperMarge!
Who knew Drederick Tatum had a twin brother who also has an identical pet tiger?
Seeing Otto passed out on the lawn outside the bowling alley may not seem unusual, but he’s actually supposed to be on the roof of the school bus.
Forty Carls growing out of the ground – the monstrous effects of a mishap at the nuclear power plant, perhaps?
Maybe not – it’s affected Grampa, too.
Decapitated Scratchy balloons? Clearly the work of my Itchy balloons.
Multiples of a static character in a line was happening to me for a while:
Hans Moleman leads his underground army above ground?
From the Whacking Day event, six (unwhackable) snakes in a row.
Hmm…do we really want Snake in charge of guarding Springfield Penitentiary?
And speaking of characters as fences…
It seems Miss Springfield really is as dumb as a post, or a series of posts. Here she is at Krustylu Studios. By the way, some of you keep your holiday items in your inventory. Me, I keep ’em on the Krustylu backlot. (People on the studio tour love to see this stuff.)
Bumblebee Man tapes an unfortunate skit for his show on Channel Ocho about the border fence.
These evil talking Krusty dolls will keep anyone out!
Oh, the indignity. Sideshow Mel goes from second banana to landscaping.
And, finally, this one?
I don’t know what to say except it didn’t last nearly as long as I’d have wanted it to.
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Carl’s Jr. Enters the Fast Food Munchies War!
SPEAKING of Jack in the Box – as I was in my last post – they recently unleashed their “Munchie Meals” to us, an eager public! They’re four different deliciously unhealthy combos with enormous amounts of fat, calories and sodium, aimed at the stoner crowd and available only from 9 pm to 5 am.
How bad for you are they?
Well, each one averages a whopping 1643 calories and 3315 milligrams sodium. They’re advertising them with Late Night Jack – a puppet version of their popular Jack character that apparently appeals to the Adult Swim demographic or something, I don’t know. (Don’t worry, regular, humanoid Jack is still in their other commercials.)
Advertising their food to lovers of cannabis is nothing new for Jack in the Box. This is a commercial from at least six years ago:
And there was a sequel, too, a year or so later – same baked guy, but a little heavier. No wonder!
Anyway, Jack in the Box isn’t the only quick-serve [industry term] place happy to tackle the ravenous appetites of hungry smokers of wacky tobaccy! Check this out, in the window of my local Carl’s Jr.
They get points for subtlety, sure, but really: how many potheads out there are craving fish after sucking on a bong all night?
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Speaking Of The Brady Bunch…
Since they brought back spokesclown Jack in semi-human form almost twenty (!) years ago, many of Jack-in-the-Box’s countless commercials have been inspired.
And here’s one from a couple of months ago that’s been inspired by an episode of “The Brady Bunch!”
I mean, come on! The hair, the outfit, the tinted glasses, the wrist bands, the rings!
This is an obvious homage to Skip Farnum, the far-out, groovy would-be director of that “Safe” detergent commercial the Bradys almost starred in, right?
I mean, it’s not an exact match, but it’s pretty darn close!
Looks and uninhibited attitude aside, while Paul Winchell’s post-beatnik, pseudo-hippie kook knows exactly what he wants but can’t get it out of the over-“motivating” Brady family, the unnamed Jack-in-the-Box director is in way over his head and is throwing anything at the wall to see if it’ll stick.
I’d like to think – and now you would, too – that this is in fact Skip Farnum, Jr. and he followed in Daddy’s footsteps as a TV commercial director but sadly, inherited none of his father’s talent – yet, he’s still considered brilliant because of the family name.
Commercials are always a little more fun for me if I develop an entire mythology or at least some sort of backstory around each one. Perhaps someday I’ll share with you some of the erotic Mr. Whipple / Madge the Manicurist fanfic I wrote years ago when puberty descended on me like a plague of hairy, oily locusts.
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If Only…!
Oh boy oh boy oh boy – a Dragnet / Munsters crossover! Now, that’d be something to see!
“Good afternoon ma’am, we’re detectives with the Los Angeles Police Department…
My name’s Sgt. Friday, this is my partner, Bill Gannon. We’re investigating a robbery next door and–”
“The cemetery! Not again! Grandpa! You get up here right away! Officers, if I’ve told that man once, I’ve told him a hundred times, you get your corpses from the scientific supply catalog, like a normal person–”
“No, ma’am, you don’t understand, we’re talking about the property to the other side of you. You see–”
“–Lily, who’s at the door?”
“It’s the police, dear. Officers, this is my husband, Herman.”
[Friday and Gannon look sidelong at one another with raised eyebrows.]
“Ah, the boys in blue! Don’t tell me Spot carried off one of your patrol cars again! Lily, Eddie has got to keep that pet of his chained up. Eddie! You come down here!”
“Actually, we’re detectives investigating a robbery next door at the Petersons.”
“Oh, detectives, eh?”
[Herman reaches into his jacket; Friday and Gannon grab for their guns.]
[Herman pulls out a Dick Tracy Crime Stopper badge.]
“Always glad to meet colleagues, haw haw haw!”
[Gannon and Friday exchange another glance as they relax and pull their hands out of their jackets.]
“We just wanted to know if you might have seen anything that could help us.”
“That’s right, folks – maybe a van or truck you didn’t recognize, strangers loitering around, anything out of the ordinary.”
“In this neighborhood? Good heavens, where do I begin? Won’t you two come in?”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
And there’d probably be some nonsense with Lily trying to foist Marilyn on Joe once she realizes he’s a bachelor, and the raven in the clock popping out and squawking “Beat it! The fuzz!” and Eddie asking Bill to kiss Woof-Woof good night, and so on and so forth.
Ah, what might have been!
Next time: I pull up some screen caps from that episode of “Mission: Impossible” where they use the Brady Bunch living room set and write something hilarious about that, too!
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Here’s One You’ll Enjoy!
HERE’S a funny riddle I came up with today while shopping at Dollar Tree!
Ready? It goes like this:
What does Mike Oldfield hang his clothes on?
Give up? Here’s the answer!
Feel free to tell it to others, but if you want it for inclusion in like a riddle book or something you’re writing, I have a form you need to fill out.
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#662 – Emergency Room Wait Times!
WHEN is an emergency not an emergency? When you live in Los Angeles.
Got a hangnail? A tummy ache? Ooh, the sniffles? Then head on over to your local hospital or as it might as well be known, the free clinic. Specifically, you’ll want to head to the part called the “ER.” Apparently at one point in time, this stood for “Emergency Room.” Not anymore, brother!
Wait times in some Southern California hospitals have gotten so notoriously bad that now we’ve been seeing these for the last few years:
…which I guess is great. “Honey, I’m thinking of heading out to the garage to have a few beers and fix the lawnmower. Can you text the hospital and find out what I’m up against?”
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What You Need To Know About The Latest Trend In Lazy Headline Writing
Culled from a Google News Search during one 24-hour period. And these are not even a tenth of them!
Keep it short, I’m reading this on my iPhone on the freeway.
There’s no such thing as “too many” possums.
(The author fell down before he managed to type “Know.”)
He’s frickin’ had it with you people trying to sneak through the express lane with 18 items!
No no no! I don’t need to know anything! I just this weekend started watching it on Netflix!
They discontinued the one shaped like Fred’s car when they introduced the Betty one.
Nothing, since you live in America. Oh, you’re a Slate reader. Well, that explains it.
Chocodiles are addictive, I’ll admit, but I wouldn’t call them “the new drug.” Oh – Krokodil. My mistake.
Which boof can I score some Krokodil at?
You didn’t win.
Now I don’t mean to suggest that every article featuring the words “What You Need To Know” in the headline is completely frivolous, presumptuously imparts artificial importance and implies personal value to a piece full of trivial nonsense. There are some things out there that, yes, you need to know! It’s just a matter of recognizing the difference between articles that offer information you might actually benefit from reading versus those you wouldn’t.
For instance!
Helpful after a catastrophe or other unfortunate situation:
Impossible to imagine a set of circumstances where this would ever be of any use whatsoever:
A valuable resource, I presume:
This one you can safely skip:
(Unless it tells you whether the Android user you’re dating has Hepatitis A.)
The article here…? Could be important; may keep you safe and out of the danger zone:
However, this one… –Actually, you know, this one could suggest similar precautions to avoid tragedy:
And while this one may not seem important…
…maybe if you’d read it, you wouldn’t be considering this now:
Okay, I don’t know what that means, either, but there was some kind of joke there, right? There was something there! Right?
…Yes, yes, yes, maybe I should read this one.
Ted Parsnips
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