1. 58 Energy Shots You Need To Ingest, Just For God’s Sake, Not All At Once! Part 4 In A Series!

    VITAMIN B12!

    As I’ve said before, I’m convinced it’s among the most energy-giving ingredients in energy shots, so the higher the percentage, the better, right? The more energy you’ll get, right? Hell, I sure think so! But maybe you’re concerned you’re going to do irreversible damage to your hypapituathyglavin gland and burn the little bastard out permanent-like. To this I say: Worry not, friend! I did a Google search! It’s all good! Still, I’m not the last word on serious medical issues – who do I look like, Jenny McCarthy?

    Anyway, let’s review a bunch more of these things, huh?


    Stacker2 6 Hour Power
    Price: $1.99 at RiteAid
    Calories: 0
    Vitamin B12: 500 mcg / 8333% RDA
    Flavors: Grape, Punch, Very Berry, Lemon-Lime, Orange
    Before: So very tired!
    After: Not so very tired.

    Stacker2 is to energy shots what Jel Sert is to freezer pops. They’re behind more energy shots than you can shake a stick at, and if you take a bunch of them at once, like I did for the purposes of these reviews, you won’t be able to stop shaking that stick for hours! Or just shaking! Ha!

    Stacker2 6 Hour Power gets points for having a lot of different flavors, and while the above three were bought at RiteAid…


    …this Very Berry one…


    …this Lemon-Lime one…


    …and this Orange one were all bought at Dollar Tree (which continues to carry a bunch of Stacker varieties, but the stores near me no longer carry these 6 Hour Powers). At 8333% of your recommended daily allowance of vitamin B12, these shots will pep you up some plus you’ll have enough B12 for the next, oh, let’s do some quick math here…almost the next three months. 


    Genesis Today Pure Energy Organic Energy Shot
    Price: $2.49 at Walmart
    Calories: 30
    Vitamin B12: 30 mcg / 500% RDA
    Flavors: Acaí Berry, Goji Berry
    Before: Dozing off
    After: Simultaneously watching Star Trek episodes “Errand of Mercy” and “Return to Tomorrow” (1980s Picture-In-Picture technology, folks!) while listening to Information Society’s “Tell Me What’s On Your Mind.”

    Two and a half bucks is a lot more than I like to pay for my energy shots. But I know a lot of you count on my site for reliable nutritional advice, so I picked this one up and you can pay me back when you can. Pure Energy is the only energy shot that’s packaged in a glass bottle, and that’s gotta count for something! It’s also got 100 milligrams of natural caffeine, and they underline it on the bottle, too, so I reckon that’s better for you than artificial, un-underlined caffeine. “USDA Organic” reads the label, so there’s that, if that’s something that interests you. Go back to Topanga Canyon, you long-haired hippy freak!


    Energy Now
    Price: 99¢ Only at the 99¢ Only store
    Calories: 0
    Vitamin B12: 125 mcg / 12.5% RDA
    Flavors: Mixed Berry, Citrus
    Before: Sleepy
    After: Grumpy

    Can’t you just see Jerry Stiller in a commercial revisiting his Seinfeld days shouting this product’s name – a paraphrased version of his memorable (one-episode) catchphrase?  Creation’s Garden, manufacturer of this energy shot, drop me a line and I’ll let you know where to send the check for this, my latest million-dollar idea. Frankly, such an advertising campaign could really give these shots the shot in the arm that they need, considering their Vitamin B12 level is a paltry 12.5% RDA. (Actually, they may want to check that: according to my calculations – based on US government recommended daily allowances – it’s actually 2083%) However, the biggest problem with Energy Now is a lack of ingredient-blending: I’ve had a number of different bottles, shaken up before opened, that had small bits of bitter, gritty white particles in them. Great, I’m in need of quick energy and I end up spending ten minutes standing over the sink rinsing my mouth of grainy vitamin supplement!

    Wow, that’s another nine more down! At this rate, we’ll finish this fool’s errand I idiotically embarked on – according to my calculations – sometime in 2016!

    …Serenity now!

    Posted by on July 13, 2013, 3:37 AM.

  2. 58 Energy Shots You Need To Ingest, Just For God’s Sake, Not All At Once! Part 3 In A Series!

    MANY OF YOU, what, six regular readers of this blog might be wondering why I’m listing the level of Vitamin B-12 in each of the 58 energy shots I’m reviewing. That is, assuming you’ve noticed this at all and you’ve read the previous posts on this, and let’s face it, those are two enormous assumptions on my part. Still:

    I’m no doctor, scientist, or so-called “pharmacist” but it seems that the level of Vitamin B-12 in each shot is proportional to the effectiveness of the shot.

    “Well, Ted, you jackass,” you sneer, “Why don’t you just take Vitamin B-12 pills if you’re tired instead of putting all these crazy chemicals in your body?”

    Because Vitamin B-12 pills don’t come in colorful little bottles, smart ass!

    “Or better yet, why don’t you just get some goddamn sleep?!”

    Aaaah, get outta here!

    Now if there’s no further questions, on with this week’s energy shot reviews!


    Stacker2 Xtra Energy Shot
    Price: $1 at Dollar Tree
    Calories: 0
    Vitamin B12: 500 mcg / 8333% RDA
    Flavors: Berry, Grape, Orange
    Before: Bleary-eyed.
    After: Able to finish the entire dog house portion of your Snoopy latch hook rug kit before going to bed.

    Stacker2 Xtra Energy Shots will do in a pinch, but they’re not the most effective of the dozens I’ve tried. The grape flavor is pleasant, though not too strong, somewhat like a weak Kool-Aid.

    What’s this…? More?!


    Stacker2 Extra Strength Xtra Energy Shot
    Price: $1 at Dollar Tree
    Calories: 0
    Vitamin B12: 500 mcg / 8333% RDA
    Flavors: Grape
    Before:  Rundown.
    After: Traversing six long city blocks on your daily run during the time “Who’s Johnny” by DeBarge plays on your iPod (versus the usual four blocks).

    Stacker2’s Extra Strength Xtra Energy Shot tastes exactly the same as Stacker2’s regular grape Xtra Energy Shot. In fact, the ingredients listed are identical – the only difference is the amount of the amount of the “proprietary energy blend”: 2125 mg in the regular version versus 2200 mg in this extra strength version. You get a whopping 75 milligrams more energy blend in the extra strength version.

    What is a “proprietary blend”? It’s a mix of ingredients without individual amounts of each listed ostensibly to protect the manufacturer’s secret formula. However, some manufacturers use the term simply as a way to keep consumers from knowing just how little they’re getting of individual ingredients.

    My attorney would like me to mention that with Stacker2, it’s undoubtedly the former.

    It’s kind of a moot point though, right? If you’re at Dollar Tree and need an energy shot (most likely to keep from collapsing from sheer exhaustion while waiting in a long line for the one checker that’s open), you might as well pick up the Extra Strength Xtra Energy Shot: They’re all the same price.


    Stacker2 Diet Energy & Crave Control
    Price: $1 at Dollar Tree
    Calories: 0
    Vitamin B12: 500 mcg / 8333% RDA
    Flavors: Tropical Blast
    Before:  In a food coma.
    After: Ready to hop right back out of the booth and go for fourths at Hometown Buffet!

    Don’t let the diet angle of this one scare you away. You don’t have to be a lazy fat ass whose sole attempt to lose weight is limited to gulping down the contents of a 2-ounce bottle to try this energy shot!

    Because that’s essentially what it is – another energy shot. The ingredients are nearly identical to the regular and extra strength offerings of Stacker2, above, with the only differences being three additional ingredients in their “proprietary blend” and no food coloring.

    It was purely in the interests of science and blog content that I tried it and it’s one of my favorite from the Stacker2 extended family of energy shots. Not because of its effectiveness, mind you. But because of the taste. It has one of the most unique flavors I’ve ever encountered in my many decades of reviewing energy shots: It tastes kind of like liquid bubble gum. I’m not saying that’s a particularly great taste – but at least it’s different!


    Name: Ginseng Blast Energy Igniter
    Price: 99¢ only at the 99¢ Only store
    Calories: 5
    Vitamin B12: None/not listed
    Flavor: Lemon-Lime
    Before: Burned out.
    After: Ignited!

    Well, not really ignited.  This one didn’t do much for me. You know why? No B-12!

    Ginseng Blast Energy Igniter has a sort of overly sweet green tea flavor that I would never peg as “lemon-lime” despite what’s on the label.

    Speaking of which: “Ginseng,” “Green Tea,” “Aloe Vera,” “Goji,” “Antioxidants”- this bottle is like a Who’s Who of early 21st century trendy health words, so I think it’s safe to presume they merely ran out of room before they got to “Acai Berry,” “Flaxseed,” “Quinoa” and “Flintstones Gummies.”


    Name: Pep’n Energy Power Shot
    Price: 99¢ only at the 99¢ Only store
    Calories: 5
    Vitamin B12: 500 mcg / 8333% RDA
    Flavors: Berry Pep
    Before: Very pooped.
    After: Berry pepped!

    Made by the same folks as Ginseng Blast, above, Pep’n Energy Power Shot: 8 Hour Energy Rush is the one to go for of these two. It’s got that tangy Berry Pep flavor you love and it’s got a crapload of Vitamin B12. But mostly, the bottle is a delight: bright neon green gradating into black and lettering in pinks, reds and purples. And with silhouettes of a girl kickboxing and a guy snowboarding, you’ll feel energized just looking at this energy shot.

    With this batch, that makes for a total of fifteen reviewed, forty-three to go!

    No sense in letting the above seven 2-ounce shots I just downed in the last twelve minutes go to waste at 2:33 in the morning. There’s no better time than the present to get started on that re-roofing project! First order of business: Assemble the necessary tools. Circular saw, nail gun, leaf blower (Might as well clean the gutters while I’m up there!), chainsaw (for the red maple limb hanging over the guest bathroom), CD boom box and just the right kind of lively music to match my high-energy mood.


    Perfect! I think I’m good to go!

    Posted by on March 25, 2013, 2:33 AM.

  3. 58 Energy Shots You Need To Ingest, Just For God’s Sake, Not All At Once! Part 2 In A Series!

    ENERGY shots!

    What would this blog be without them? The Ted Parsnips Web Design Team practically lives on them, I use them to write when my own creativity and my bottle of gin have both run dry, and heaven knows you, what, six readers probably need them to get through some of my longer, head-scratchingly abstruse posts where there’s some vague hope I’ll eventually get to the point.

    As a public service to you, the reader, I’m going to review 58 of these babies or die trying! Sure, my physician has warned me it’ll probably be the latter. But man, what a legacy to leave behind, right?


    Rx Energy Fast Shot
    Price: 99¢ only at 99¢ Only Store
    Calories: 10
    Vitamin B12: 500mcg / 8,333% RDA
    Flavors: Green Tea
    Before: Lethargic.
    After: Enthusiastically reorganizing your sock drawer alphabetically.

    Packaged to resemble a miniature Arizona Iced Tea container, Rx Energy Fast Shot is one of the weaker energy shots out there, but still has a bit of a pick-me-up, and it tastes vaguely like prune juice – bonus!  Peel off the plastic label and onlookers could easily mistake it for a tiny, airplane bottle of booze, so why not down a few while driving in heavy, slow-moving traffic? “The joke’s on you, officer – this isn’t alcohol! It’s a natural green tea energy shot! …That? Yeah, well, that’s a crack pipe.”


    ON GO Energy
    Price: 99¢ only at the 99¢ Only store
    Calories: 5
    Vitamin B12: 500 mcg / 8333% RDA
    Flavors: Grape, Fruit Punch, Pomegranate Blueberry, (and, not shown) Lemon Lime, Berry Blast, Mandarin Orange
    Before: Nodding off.
    After: Getting the dog up on his hind legs by holding a paw in each hand and dancing with him while singing “In a Mountain Greenery” and the dog’s wagging his tail but whining and gently biting your hands because he doesn’t like being on his hind legs while being waltzed around the living room – not even to his favorite Lorenz Hart tune.

    ON GO is one of a handful of brands that I always see at 99¢ Only. They get points from me for having not one, not two, but six flavors, and they’re actually pretty distinct. My favorite, and now yours, is Lemon Lime, which tastes like the melted, concentrated res•i•due you suck out of a spent green Fla•Vor•Ice sleeve.


    Energy 2000
    Price: 99¢ at Walgreens
    Calories: 0
    Vitamin B12: 500mcg / 8,333% RDA
    Flavors: Grape
    Before: Listless.
    After: Surprising your girlfriend by duct-taping all of the ATM receipts in your wallet into that damned scrapbook she’s always trying to get you to work on with her.

    Just how powerful is Energy 2000’s “energy blend”? It’s so strong that its natural and artificial grape flavors are no match for its medicine-y taste. And much like that Ecuadorian cab driver who said he could safely shuttle me from the Valley to LAX in time for my flight, the bottle likewise earned my trust by promising “No crash!”

    Well, we’re off! A fine, auspicious start to this new blog feature, you’ll agree! Depending on how you look at it – whether you count brands, images, or flavors – I’ve reviewed eight, five, or three energy shots, and have only fifty, fifty-three, or fifty-five more to go. It’s a race against time! Can I review them all before my spleen gives out and/or some asshole at Cracked steals the premise and somehow manages to come up with copy that’s even less entertaining?

    Posted by on March 11, 2013, 6:23 PM.

  4. 58 Energy Shots You Need To Ingest, Just For God’s Sake, Not All At Once! Part 1 In A Series!

    WE’VE ALL SEEN the commercials. Probably. You’re running low on energy and then you take an energy shot and then you have energy. But are all energy shots created equal? Pretty much, but for purposes of blog content, absolutely not. So, uh, let’s take a look at a bunch of them that I bought, huh?


    Also, can’t you just see the above image in enormous poster form tacked up on your dorm room wall? It can be, for only $10. Simply send me $10…and then print it out really big as a poster if you can do that somehow. Voila!

    So let’s get started! As with any sort of comparison review sort of thing, we need a control.  Here’s the control:

    5-hour Energy
    Price: $4.43 for a 2-pack at Walmart
    Calories: 4
    Vitamin B12: 500 mcg / 8333% RDA
    Flavors: Pomegranate, Grape, Berry, Orange, Lemon-Lime
    Before: Pooped.
    After: Peppy!

    5-hour Energy is our control on account of it started this whole energy shot craze thing. And it’s the gold standard, brother. It works.

    That is, unless you’re utterly beat when you take it. That’s the trick: All energy shots are much less effective if you take them when you’re already exhausted. If you’re completely run down, then it’s too late. You missed the boat! Call it a night, pal, because you’re finished. Show’s over. Pack it on in! Hit the road, Jack! Throw in the towel! Goodnight, Irene! And, eh…so on. You need to take them before or at the very latest, when you’re just starting to slow down and you know you’ve got a bunch of crap to do before you go to bed.

    As for the taste: as you’ll see in the days, weeks, and months ahead as I somehow manage to drag this piece out for what seems like an eternity, many of these shots come in different flavors and in most cases – not all! – the flavors are irrelevant. Most taste pretty similar – an overall tangy, sweet, and slightly medicine-y taste unsuccessfully masked by a mild fruit flavor. I don’t even have a favorite 5-hour Energy flavor. Hell, they’re all fine and the overall taste isn’t unpleasant to begin with.

    So then, let’s get started, shall we?  …Tomorrow.

    Tomorrow: Ted reviews the first three! What do you care, you won’t be back. Prove me wrong, folks.

    Posted by on March 8, 2013, 4:54 PM.

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