YOU know, with all the great things at the 99¢ Only store all the time, there’s really no excuse for me to not post at least one such item a day no matter how busy I am, looming deadlines for actual paying gigs be damned!
“That way,” as my blogging mentor, or blogntor, Sylvia Haynes-Darden advised us in her recent continuing education class Mommyblogging for the Childless, “there’s new content continuously, regardless of how uninteresting and/or esoteric your blog is.”
And brother, my blog is nothing if not uninteresting and/or esoteric. I mean, there’s obscure references on this blog that even I don’t get, and I’m the one who wrote them. But don’t worry, you’re not missing much – they’re about as fascinating as Chapter XII (“Of the Motion of Water Issuing from a Cylindric Vessel”) in Colin Maclauren’s 1801 masterwork “A Treatise on Fluxions.”
Eh, anyway, without further fondue (you’ll get it in a minute), I give you today’s item: Cheese! See, now you get it.
Note: The preceding was written in 2014 but never posted. Folks, bear with me — I’m trying to re-find my blogging voice [industry term], and the first step in doing this is to go over the more than two dozen drafts I started to write but never finished and posted…and, eh, finish ’em and post ’em. You’ll agree each one is a fascinating snapshot of what it was like to live in American society as a disenfranchised* person back then — and yet today, somehow remain just as timely as ever!
*They had, at the time of this writing, recently repossessed the Uncle Razmik’s Falafel Wads™ rolling kiosk I had almost paid off and barred me from the food court.
“SORRY I haven’t blogged in a while…”
How many times have we all read that, after doing a search on something, finding an interactive hypertext underlined word, or link [blogging term], clicking on same and then “surfin’ on in” (as you like to say), onto someone’s personal website who happens to have posted an entry about the specific thing you’re trying to find out about? A lot of times, sure. Back when we all read blogs, that is.
So your introduction to this person who you aren’t the least bit interested in beyond whatever specific information you were looking for — a scanned owners manual for a late 1940s Norge RB 66-L refrigerator, a review of that seasonal Kwanzaa Crunch cereal that Quaker releases in December, the rollout of a new font in the aisle markers for a southern US grocery chain, whether that new cheese store got in a shipment of desiccated pomelo cheddar (and if it, yet again, has special ‘holiday’ hours), etc. — that brought you there in the first place is…that he (or she! #MeToo!) is apologizing for not blogging more.
How lame is that! And like anyone cares!
Besides — was the world really suffering from a dearth of poorly written pieces that go on and on and on about people who bring dogs into stores, or what the calcified old biddies at some incompetently managed San Fernando Valley women’s club are up to this week?
No, certainly not! I haven’t posted new material in over two blessed years, and rather than apologize, I expect your gratitude for not doing so! Yeah! You’re frickin’ welcome!
And what’s more — now you’re all going to pay, all, what, six of you, because I’m back, brother! I’m back and more inane and out of touch than ever! If the posts I was banging out on this site were embarrassing to read before, you ain’t seen nothing yet!
…Or who knows, maybe this’ll be the sole entry for 2019 and then this thing just withers here, swaying in the wind like a desiccated pomelo until I stop paying the cost to host this thing and it just disappears, forgotten as quickly as a reference to linoleum block-printing on a LiveJournal.
Either way, be sure to check back every day and see! Maybe next time I’ll include an inside joke crafted just for you!
Answer: No expensive restaurant laundry service for them — no sir!
Saw this ceramic delight in my local Salvation Army.
A hand-painted Mickey Mouse ashtray!
I think we can presume it is currently the record holder for speed in the Received-As-A-Gift, Donated-To-A-Thrift-Store category.
“Hang those who speak of less pollen! These mild allergy seasons are making us too soft!” —Experts.
Presumably that “unfair advantage” refers to those of us who don’t have the resources to have our heads surgically removed and then grafted onto the bodies of muscular men of a different race.
Continuing with today’s head-grafting theme, which I imagine is a short phrase that has never been written before…
“Love your idea for the ‘Game of Thrones’-themed bottled water. Now, it’s not right for us here in Licensing, but we’re going to send your concept art over to the mortgage refinancing division of our corporation in case they can use it.”
Finally! An ad that speaks to the advertising world’s most coveted demographic: Men who are looking to refinance their homes and who stylishly wear their wristwatch on their penis, though evidently a bit too snugly.
Venerable newspaper / squeaky toy Doggy News…
…launches digital edition!
Eh…get it? It’s, uh, it’s all ones and zeroes.
Maybe the real story here is how Hartz Mountain managed to let the copyright for their perennial best-selling squeaky latex dog toy – which dates back to at least the 1970s – lapse into public domain so that a poorly reproduced knockoff with a barely legible masthead (“Doggn Nems,” it seems to read; “Weather: Dog Days” and “Kennel Edition” are nowhere in sight) can be manufactured in China and sold at 99¢ Only.
I mean, what’s next, an unlicensed Crinkle Fish cat toy?!
Although…re-reading this post I’m wondering if perhaps an even bigger scoop would be why in God’s name I remember the specifics of a dog toy from almost 40 years ago.
BIG NEWS from the world of poorly crafted press releases and sloppy yet sensationalistic 21st century journalism!
Archie Comics has announced that their titular tic-tac-toe-haired hero, Archie Andrews, is being killed off!
…Well, actually, they announced it months ago – while all but glossing over the fact that the “Archie” who is dying is the adult, married Archie from “Life with Archie” (which is not the “Life with Archie” comic book we all grew up with, but a larger format, teen magazine-type thing with a thoroughly confusing dual plot – with one storyline following Archie’s life had he married Betty, and the other, if he married Veronica, both presented in each issue); and that teenage Archie will continue to live on in the regular (and surprisingly expensive) comic books; and that “Life with Archie,” the magazine, is ending and this was a nice tidy way to tie up all the loose ends and get an enormous amount of publicity as well.
But today they gave us more details, which clarified everything, thankfully:
Archie will die after getting shot defending his gay best friend.
Wait, Archie has a gay best friend?!
No, no, no! Who put that thing there?!
Good heavens, Reggie isn’t gay, and he’s Archie’s friendly rival, not his best friend.
Gay best friend? Why, they’re referring to Jughead, of course, whose disinterest in girls has been a hallmark of his personality for decades, and who apparently came out of the closet at some point to no one’s surprise.
…Wait, what’s that? It’s not Juggie? He’s not gay?!
Oh, okay, here we go – from one of a few dozen near-identical articles filed today: Archie dies taking a bullet for his gay best friend Kevin Keller, a new-ish character introduced in 2010.
I see – well, that makes sense then.
…Well, except for the fact that Archie’s best friend is, again, Jughead. And that According to Wikipedia, Kevin’s best friend is Betty.
It just gets so confusing – Archie Comics issues an intentionally vague press release, no one contacts them for more information, and most news outlets just reprint whatever comes across the AP wires.
So let me make it clear once and for all: This is not really the death of Archie!