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Recently At Wendy’s!
“Say, Thorg, our Premium Fish Fillet sandwich is back – delicious, 100% North Pacific cod, hand-cut and then lightly breaded in a crispy panko crumb coating topped off with fresh crisp lettuce and creamy tartar sauce. Weighing in at 3.4 ounces, we’ve reeled in a fish filet larger than our leading competitor. But it’s only here for a limited time so, Thorg, I need you to get up on the ladder – eh, the wood-climb-stick – and put something on the sign out front to let customers know!”
“Me on it, Boss!”
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Continuing On That Post Pebbles Cereals Theme…
…If you’re like me, and you are, you love that early look of “The Flintstones.” Like the first couple seasons. Also, if you’re like me, you’ve probably hated the last thirty-five years or so of Post Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles commercials, even though you’ve probably never really spent much time thinking about it. But trust me, you hated them.
However, I don’t include in that these amazing stop-motion commercials that aired a few years ago. Some scenes really look like first season episodes come to life. Here’s a compilation of five of them on YouTube.
Or check out these screen caps, if you don’t want to watch the actual commercials though why the hell wouldn’t you?
Look at that! They nailed that early look of Bedrock and you know what the key is, in addition to the rounded houses and the nearly sparse, uncomplicated layout? The color of the sky! Watch pretty much any episode of the original series, even into its later seasons, and the sky was almost never blue, but rather this light yellowish ochre color.
Sure, this version of Fred’s boss wasn’t really in those early seasons, but here Slate looks great, you’ll agree!
Okay, here we have a blue sky, but that can be forgiven because of everything else in the shot. The dino-crane on the right is as much as a tribute to the one Fred worked in the show as it is to that early Marx battery-operated toy that I’m hoping you’ll find on eBay and buy me for my birthday. I’ve wanted it ever since I was at an age when it would have been normal to want a child’s toy and and not sad and disturbing as it is at my age now.
Ha! They even got the Bedrock cityscape exactly right. And the paddy wagon looked like it scurried right out of “The Swimming Pool” with a xylophone accompaniment for each of its ten feet.
Alas, Fred and Barney are, eh, the least interesting elements of the commercials and Fred seems to be based on the design they used for the mid-90s productions. I guess Post didn’t want to push the envelope too far and have the characters match the rest of the elements in the commercials.
Interesting, also – it’s a regular sausage-saurus party in these spots. There’s not a single female character in any of them! While Wilma and Betty have rarely appeared in the Post Pebbles commercials (due to licensing?) that wouldn’t have prevented some generic Bedrock ladies in the backgrounds of the new ads.
Don’t get me wrong! These commercials are Yabba Dabba Delightful! And remember, you read about them here first, almost three years after they debuted and probably long after they’ve stopped airing. Unless they covered ’em over on Cartoon Brew and if they did, let me guess, it was framed as one of the editors’ trademark cranky complaints. Kiddin’! I love them guys!
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You Know You’ve Made It As An Athlete When You’re On The Wheaties Box!
And here’s pro wrestler John Cena on a box of Fruity Pebbles.
Did Bamm-Bamm travel to the future? Or did John Cena go back in time? Clearly they don’t normally reside in each other’s realities because Cena’s clothes and spoon don’t have that stone-age look to them. What’s going on here?
These are the kinds of questions the breakfast cereal fansites are afraid to ask.
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¿What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store? ¡Radicchio!
Sweet pickled radicchio! Do my eyes deceive me?! Look what’s at the 99¢ Only store – sweet pickled radicchio!
Yes, “sweet pickled radicchio” may sound like the sort of expletive that someone in a comic book would sputter, but it exists! It exists, and it’s at the 99¢ Only store!
Joe’s Premium Sweet Pickled Radicchio it’s called, and it’s from the good folks at J. Marchini Farms, grown right here in California (unlike most of the “food” sold at the 99¢ Only store which is imported from China – a country where even potatoes are made from some sort of plastic polymer).
(And by the way, my attorney would like me to add that everything the 99¢ Only store sells is delicious and good to eat, even the detergents and cleaning prod– No? Okay, just the food.)
Sweet Pickled Radicchio, am I easily distracted or what!
Anyway, the label tells me that radicchio was first written about by Pliny the Elder as an aid to digestion, and that I can try it on pizzas, sandwiches, or crackers.
So I did – I tried it on a crisp Ritz cracker.
Mmmm-mm! Good cracker, good cracker!
Oh, and the radicchio was nice, too.
Pickling radicchio sweetly may seem odd, because radicchio naturally has a bitter taste. And this radicchio, though sweetly pickled, still has that sharp bite to it. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. But despite the label further stating that “Now you can enjoy radicchio every day” it’s unlikely you’re going to take them up on that. Unless enjoying radicchio every day is something you’ve been aspiring to do – perhaps a new year’s resolution, some sort of wager with a friend, an item on your bucket list, hell, I don’t know.
In that case – sweet pickled radicchio! – you’re in luck!
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What’s 33% Less Bueno at The Dollar Tree!
LIKE YOU, I enjoy a good factory-made, individually wrapped brownie. To that end, Mrs. Freshley’s fits the bill fine, just fine! Hers are a joy for the tongue, they’re easy on the wallet, and most importantly, like most pre-packaged, ready-to-eat factory brownie slabs, they have the density of a white dwarf – a delicious, chocolatey white dwarf!
Mrs. Freshley doesn’t play favorites, either – you can find her wares at both your local Dollar Tree and your local 99¢ Only Store.
And here’s something new she’s done! Look! Look!
Well, I know I speak for all budget-minded consumers everywhere when I say, “It’s about goddamned time!”
I can’t tell you how often I’ve groused about the unwieldy, cumbersome, yes, inconvenient six-brownie box Mrs. Freshley used to foist on us!
What the hell was she thinking?
Six brownies?!
Who does she think I’m packing lunches for here, the Brady Bunch? What in God’s name am I – is anyone – going to do with half a dozen brownies?
And let’s not even get into my bad back and my sciatica and all the extra stress it puts on my knees, plodding painfully through the dollar store lugging a box weighted down with two extra brownies, trying desperately not to scream out in agony with every step I take! Let’s not even mention that! Sheesh!
Anyway, all that’s behind us, thank goodness, with this Convenient 4 Count Size.
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Wendy’s Cheaps Out for 2013!
CAN you stand one more post about fast food?
Wait, why am I asking you that? Is someone holding a gun to your head making you come here once every ten weeks for twelve seconds, which according to my thorough reviewing of Google Analytics at 12:01 every night, is what you, what, six regulars do?
…No, seriously, is someone holding a gun to your head making you come here?
If so I want you to leave a cryptic message in the comments below. Something that doesn’t seem to make any sense whatsoever like “Hey, Ted, how about more of those Delightfully Anachronistic Package Design posts that we all enjoy so much? We haven’t seen one of those in a while!” That’ll tip me off that something ain’t right and then I’ll alert the proper authorities.
Oh, wait, I haven’t enabled comments…
Ah well. Look, don’t worry, I’ve got more of those stupid Delightful Anachronistic dealies in the works. You’re going to be okay.
Where the hell was I? Ah yes: Can you stand one more post about fast food? Of course you can! We all can!
As you know, Wendy’s is my quick-serve (industry term) restaurant of choice when I’m watching my pocketbook and my figure!
Their restaurants are nice, clean, reasonably quiet and they’re carpeted, which is great for those of us who go around barefoot everywhere and are learning to eat with our feet – just for fun, as a sort of personal challenge we’ve set for ourself for the new year.
One of the neat things about Wendy’s in Southern California is that for the last few years, they’ve offered these little keychain fobs you can buy. Then upon subsequent Wendy’s visits, you get a free little six-ounce Frosty free with your purchase. Just for showing them your fob!
One time I showed my fob to someone who didn’t ask to see it, and now I’m listed on a national online database! Hey-o!
Like I said, you get a free six-ounce Frosty with your order! A Junior Frosty, it’s called. Six ounces isn’t much – it’s the same size cup as they give you when you ask for water, but it’s just enough. It’s just enough for a little treat after a nourishing meal at Wendy’s, sure.
The fobs of which I speak, they cost a buck. And don’t worry – all the dollars collected go to charity! For feral cats or something, I don’t know.
So in the past, these fobs, they’ve been good all year long. And with the frequency I eat at Wendy’s, brother, this thing pays for itself a dozen times over – and that’s just in the first few days of January!
But this year I noticed something troubling!
Look! Look!
Here’s a photo of my fobs. On the top is my old fob! On the bottom, my new fob!
The new fob expires at the end of June! That’s when it’s just starting to get hot around here! And that’s when Wendy’s decides, in its infinite wisdom, to cut off our Junior Frostys? What the hell is going on here?!
As if that’s not bad enough, their 5-piece Chicken Nuggets is completely gone from their Value Menu! No trace of it left, whatsoever. No explanation! Poof! Just gone! In its place? Something called the “4-piece Chicken Nuggets.” Whatever that is. Also there’s a “6-piece Chicken Nuggets” if you can wrap your head around that.
Now, if you’re like me, and I know you are, you’re nostalgic for the discontinued 5-piece Chicken Nuggets. I’m going to show you how to foodhack a 4-piece Chicken Nuggets into their beloved and much-missed 5-piece Chicken Nuggets which many of us remember fondly.
1. Buy their new 6-piece Chicken Nuggets for $1.49.
2. Eat all but one.
3. Then, that last delicious, nutritious, deep-fried soldier…? Put it on your keyring, right next to your fob. Go ahead, it’s okay.
4. The next time you go to Wendy’s, buy their new 4-piece Chicken Nuggets, and when you flash your fob to the gal behind the counter, you’ve got the fifth Chicken Nugget right there. Pluck it off, hand it to her, and ask that she toss it in the hopper with the other four they’re cookin’ up for you, so they’re all nice and warm. That’s all there is to it!
Oh, and be prepared for a lot of questions from all the curious (and envious) diners when they see you’ve got not six, not four, but the classic five-piece Chicken Nuggets! Also, if you’re like me, and I know you are, they might ask you to put on some shoes.
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Del Taco’s Up to Their Old Tricks! But In A Snazzy New Setting!
HEY, they completely re-did the Del Taco near me!
Look! Look!
And they did it all in one night! One crazy night!
What’s more, I was like the first one to eat there once they reopened! That, friends, is commitment! First to eat there after the “re-do!” Let me in, let me in! Open the doors! Let me at those Macho Tacos!
You’re probably saying, “Ted, we’re of course proud of you for your accomplishment, but in this economy, how on earth did they afford to renovate a restaurant that really wasn’t in bad shape to begin with?”
The answer came just as soon as I ordered:
“Welcome to Del Taco. What can I get for you?”
“I’ll have the Number One please.”
“Medium or Macho size?”
“Oh…just medium.”Dammit! Dammit! I meant “regular.” Upsold again!
It’s the Del Taco way.™
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Thank Goodness The Holidays Are Behind Us!
…’cause now’s when they mark all the good stuff down!
And lucky for me the store up the street had 116 boxes left – unlike last year when I spent over a week driving around to eighty-five different stores in a forty mile radius from my place and I only got half as many!
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To Ted It May Concern! End-of-Year Roundup!
MY GOSH – it’s been months since we’ve delved into the ol’ mailbag!
Many of you, what, six readers often ask, “Ted you jackass, why don’t you just allow comments on this stupid blog of yours, so then you wouldn’t have to do these To-Ted-It-May-Concerns and we can mock you publicly after each overlong and often incomprehensible post you vomit up there?”
Well, I think you’ve answered your own question there, haven’t you?
Anyway, thanks to all of you – okay, okay, both of you – who have written in over the past months. And not only did you write, but you sent in photos, which I’m going to just go ahead and make public without your permission. Because apparently that’s just what we do in the 21st century.
A pal from Naugatuck, Connecticut was in Aisle Six of “Ocean State Job Lot” (similar to our country’s Big Lots) when she happened upon this display of Farmer’s Pride Snack Bologna. At only $2.00 for a 22-ounce jar, you’re now wondering, like I was, why in hell she didn’t pick up a case or two.
“Lord a mercy, Zeke, I’ve never seen such corn – on every stalk, eight, ten of the biggest ears I’ve seen. Your apple trees, too: all heavy with enormous, shiny red fruit. The clover honey your bees produce took the blue ribbon at the state fair again this year. All your hens lay a dozen grade A jumbo eggs each day, right in the carton. And your cows? Endless quantities of the sweetest milk I’ve ever tasted spewing from each udder! You must be so very proud!”
“Don’t reckon I pay much mind to any of that. Now come over here and tell me this ain’t but the finest pickled bologna pole ye’ve ever snacked upon!”
It’s not just farmers what got pride, neither. A pal from the Pacific Northwest, he’s got pride, too – pride in America, which if you ask me, brother, is in short supply these days. He sent in a snapshot of some ham!
Not just any ham! American Pride Cooked Ham! Water added!
He’s no fool like what’s-her-name up there with the boloney rods – he knew this was too good to pass up!
He writes: “I bought a few for July 4th. We’ll proudly display these cans on our front porch to show our patriotism! USA!! EAGLES!! HAM!!”
That, friends, is what America is all about. It also gives you an idea how long ago he sent it in.
Now you’ll excuse me while I head over to Wikipedia to edit their entry for the bald eagle to include, among its list of prey, cooked ham (water added), stuffing, cranberry sauce and parsley garnish – based on this presumably accurate package design.
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Former Hostess Employee Finds Work!
HEY, this kid I know used to work for Hostess, but then he was let go a week or so ago. Crap! But he’s a regular go-getter – not one to sit around and mope and complain and just wait for something to fall into his lap. He goes out there and makes things happen!
So he saw an opportunity, realized he had to slightly reinvent himself, maybe start wearing pants, change his look just a little…
…and bingo! He got the job! Just like that! He’s already back in the work force!
Look! Look!
Good for him, right?
I think he looks happier than ever – probably because he’s no longer worried about his job. Or maybe because he’s started carrying a gun. Who can say?
Ted Parsnips
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