1. To Ted It May Concern! End-of-Year Roundup!

    Letters to Ted!

    MY GOSH – it’s been months since we’ve delved into the ol’ mailbag!

    Many of you, what, six readers often ask, “Ted you jackass, why don’t you just allow comments on this stupid blog of yours, so then you wouldn’t have to do these To-Ted-It-May-Concerns and we can mock you publicly after each overlong and often incomprehensible post you vomit up there?”

    Well, I think you’ve answered your own question there, haven’t you?

    Anyway, thanks to all of you – okay, okay, both of you – who have written in over the past months. And not only did you write, but you sent in photos, which I’m going to just go ahead and make public without your permission. Because apparently that’s just what we do in the 21st century.

    A pal from Naugatuck, Connecticut was in Aisle Six of “Ocean State Job Lot” (similar to our country’s Big Lots) when she happened upon this display of Farmer’s Pride Snack Bologna. At only $2.00 for a 22-ounce jar, you’re now wondering, like I was, why in hell she didn’t pick up a case or two.

    “Lord a mercy, Zeke, I’ve never seen such corn – on every stalk, eight, ten of the biggest ears I’ve seen. Your apple trees, too: all heavy with enormous, shiny red fruit. The clover honey your bees produce took the blue ribbon at the state fair again this year. All your hens lay a dozen grade A jumbo eggs each day, right in the carton. And your cows? Endless quantities of the sweetest milk I’ve ever tasted spewing from each udder! You must be so very proud!”

    “Don’t reckon I pay much mind to any of that. Now come over here and tell me this ain’t but the finest pickled bologna pole ye’ve ever snacked upon!”

    It’s not just farmers what got pride, neither. A pal from the Pacific Northwest, he’s got pride, too – pride in America, which if you ask me, brother, is in short supply these days. He sent in a snapshot of some ham!

    Ham Pride!

    Not just any ham!  American Pride Cooked Ham! Water added!

    He’s no fool like what’s-her-name up there with the boloney rods – he knew this was too good to pass up!

    He writes: “I bought a few for July 4th. We’ll proudly display these cans on our front porch to show our patriotism! USA!! EAGLES!! HAM!!”

    That, friends, is what America is all about. It also gives you an idea how long ago he sent it in.


    Now you’ll excuse me while I head over to Wikipedia to edit their entry for the bald eagle to include, among its list of prey, cooked ham (water added), stuffing, cranberry sauce and parsley garnish – based on this presumably accurate package design.

    Posted by on December 31, 2012, 12:23 AM.

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