1. A Necktie!

    HERE’S proof that you can’t believe everything you read on the internet, or even in a book that one of those so-called “animation historians” write!

    According to (ooh la la!) “Wikipedia,” the only time Speedy Gonzales and the Road Runner ever appeared together was in the admittedly classic and justifiably beloved cartoon from the golden age of Warner Bros. theatrical shorts, 1965’s “The Great Chase.”

    Ha I say!  HA!

    Well, then, all you Jeremy Becks and John Cainraisers, explain this!

    Do I need to go in for a close-up?
    Oh, yes, please, let’s get a close-up so there’s no mistaking here!
    So there’s no “Well,  I couldn’t see it so you must have been lying again!”

    It’s all there, blue and green, clear as crystal!

    We’ve got, left to right, someone with a thyroid condition, three similar-looking fellows of unknown origin, and, yes, a morose Road Runner and a cheerful Speedy Gonzales. Together! Together in the same goddamn project!

    Pay up!

    Also, there’s someone (a ninja?) strung up in a tree…

    A wide swath of Charles Schulz-type humiliating laughter – the kind that has bedeviled poor Sally when she’s said something stupid in front of the class…

    And that guy from Asterix.

    And where can you see this?  Oh, not on whatever slightly repackaged collection of the same 600 or so cartoons Warner Bros. is offering on DVD this month, oh no!  Don’t hold your breath waiting for W-B to release this ultra-rare team-up!

    Much like Disney only allowing “Song of the South” for sale to the home video market in Japan where apparently there aren’t any black people, Warner Bros. doesn’t have the cojones to release this tie here, so good luck getting it unless you live in Italy or China (depending on whether you want to believe the embroidered label or the paper tag).

    However, you can probably score a bootleg copy at Comic-Con this year (if Warner Bros.’ legal department doesn’t catch wind of this first).

    Or do what I did, which is pick one up at the 99¢ Only Store next to the loose underpants.

    Posted by on May 10, 2011, 9:00 AM.

  2. Good Advice from Beetle Bailey!

    I wonder if Sarge has a special sock like you do.

    Posted by on May 9, 2011, 9:00 AM.

  3. WD-40!

    HERE’S something you’ll offer up at the water cooler at the office and earn the respect of your peers for always having something fresh and lively to contribute:

    It’s an ad featuring Arly Emery, that fellow who’s always shouting and pointing.

    I don’t mind telling you I was leafing through a Do-It Center flyer over lunch the other day, maybe looking for a good deal on paving stones for that retaining wall project we’ve talked about when I saw this. I knew I had to let you know about it.

    Anyway, Arly is the new face of WD-40, and no one’s more excited than you and I.  “Lock & Load, Maggots,” he seems to say since that’s printed by his head with his (facsimile) signature below.

    It seems WD-40 has new collectible cans which I’m eager to add to my collection, and now you are, too. I was kind of ambivalent at first, but his peppy “Lock & Load, Maggots!” sealed the deal for me. That’s what really kind of encouraged me to pick these up.

    The ad says “Collect all 4 cans!” and you bet I will. They’ll look great on the shelf next to my Great Muppet Caper commemorative bottles that Simple Green offered some time ago.

    Posted by on May 6, 2011, 9:00 AM.

  4. Someone Call Iwao Benedictenbach!

    THIS one’s a real panic you won’t be able to keep to yourself. Try it – you won’t be able to.

    It seems a pal found a couple of packs of erasers, presumably shortly after being fingerprinted for heaven knows what this time!

    Let’s take a look.

    I did some research on this one and it turns out these were issued to H&B animators in lieu of model sheets for “Yogi’s Gang.”

    Posted by on May 5, 2011, 9:00 AM.

  5. A Fish Story!

    HERE’S a bit of whimsy that you’ll share with Fiorello and the rest of the boys at the ol’ barber shop come Saturday.

    It seems a store up the street is selling Seabass Goo for $1.49 a pound.

    You’ll want to bookmark this one so you can come back again and again when you need a laugh or a quick pick-me-up.

    Posted by on May 4, 2011, 9:00 AM.

  6. Promotional Backpack!

    THERE’S this store in my neighborhood called “Pay 99¢ + or Less” and first of all, I want to commend them, with the mere inclusion of a plus sign, for covering all the bases with that one.

    Anyway, like me, you enjoy not only the dollar chain stores, but also the little independent dollar stores. And this is obviously one of the latter.

    So, for a buck, you can get one of these babies:

    What’s so compelling and newsworthy about this, however, is not that someone in charge of the promotional gifts for the IGCS meeting in 2006 decided that a backpack was the way to go, but rather that the unclaimed ones have now made their way into my community and are used to carry books to school by children who in all likelihood can’t read English. Whoops! Obviously I meant “yet,” not “English.”

    My point is, of course, any way that we can increase awareness is a positive thing.

    Posted by on May 3, 2011, 9:00 AM.

  7. 7 Wonderfully Contemplative Approaches to Dealing With the Disconcerting News of Osama Bin Laden’s Death

    LOOK, I get it. You’re confused. You don’t quite know what to feel about the death of Osama Bin Laden. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. He seemed to be a bad man, with that whole indirectly-responsible-for-the-deaths-of-thousands-of-Americans-on-9/11 thing that you might have heard about. But on the other hand, you want the world you live in to be the touchiest, feeliest, warmest and fuzziest place it can be. And how can it be that way if – even for a second! – you admit to having even the tiniest iota of schadenfreude for that poor soul?

    Lucky for you, I’ve gone and compiled a bunch of resources here – from the Internet’s brightest minds! – to help you work through your dilemma. (Don’t worry – didn’t take me too long. They’re almost all from – surprise! – The Huffington Post.)

    And when you’re all done reading them…? You come back here because I’ve got a great big hug with your name on it. We’ll get through this thing together.

    1. Why Are We So Happy Osama Bin Laden is Dead?
    Why indeed? ‘Tis truly a noggin-scratcher. But this piece serves as a good primer for the more advanced texts to come.

    2. Is It O.K. To Feel Happy About Osama Bin Laden’s Death?
    A nagging question undoubtedly. Fortunately, Time Magazine has a piece to help you sort out your feelings. And soon all of this unpleasantness will be behind us and the august and respected newsweekly will get back to the more important issues they cover these days.

    3. The Psychology of Revenge: Why We Should Stop Celebrating Osama Bin Laden’s Death
    All this partying had been going on far too long already when that piece was posted, at 9:43 Eastern Standard Time the morning after the news was announced.

    4. How Should We Respond to the Death of Osama Bin Laden?
    Now this is what I’m talking about! Real answers to our questions! Like you, I’m looking for guidance here. Author Jim Wallis will show us all the way.

    5. Osama Is Dead. Now What Should I Feel?
    Unsure which emotion you need to be dialing up after hearing the news? Torn between joy and mourning? No worries! This piece will give you the direction you seek!

    6. Should We Have Celebrated Osama Bin Laden’s Death?
    Author Susan Piver challenges us in her piece, “Look at your own reaction this morning. Was there even a hint of vengefulness or gladness at Osama bin Laden’s death? If so, that is a real problem.” Yikes! Now I feel terrible! Well, surely she can navigate us to a better place – let’s continue reading. “So what do we do? I don’t really know…” If she doesn’t, who does?

    7. Was Osama Bin Laden Evil?
    Here we go. Now there’s a question that’s inspired more lively debate than “How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?” And while we don’t get any kind of a definitive answer in the piece linked above, the author does use the word “paradigm.” So it’s got that.

    You know what? Maybe the Occam’s Razor approach is what we need here – you know, the simplest solution is the best. And who better embodied that in this situation than buxom singing sensation Katy Perry via Twitter?


    Finally! So perfect and succinct was her pronouncement that she had a full 81 characters to spare! And that’s with the naughty words!

    But wait! Later that same day, she offered us this:

    I believe in justice… but don’t u think that an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind? :(

    Hey, didn’t she just say that—  It was her that wrote how America—  Her first reaction was the polar opposite of this later—

    …You know, this is why I have previously stayed away from these topical subjects. I’m clearly in way over my head.

    And now I think it’s me who needs that hug.

    Take off your bra first.

    Posted by on , 4:34 AM.

  8. Everyone’s Favorite Late 80s Video Game…

    …is now a delicious snack in your grocer’s freezer!

    I think you’ll agree that my inability to properly operate the extremely basic camera function on my cell phone gives it a wonderfully appropriate 8-bit look.

    Posted by on May 2, 2011, 3:19 AM.

  9. Coupons of Mystery!

    HERE’S SOMETHING that I was saving for a piece in Small Restaurateur and Bistroista I was going to call “Top Ten Mistakes New Small Restaurateurs and Bistroistas Make.” As you know, most new restaurants and bistros fail within their first year of business (It’s important to note, however, the same does not apply to cafes.) and I figured by using my expertise in this area, I might help a few new small restaurateurs and bistroistas avoid some of the pitfalls I’d avoid if I was foolish enough to open a new small restaurant or bistro. Especially in this economy.

    Sadly, Small Restaurateur and Bistroista never made it past their third issue and closed up shop just seven months after they started. Not uncommon, of course. Most new magazines fail within their first year of publishing (the exception, of course, being café-themed magazines).

    It’s just as well because these niche magazines don’t pay crap to freelancers, and these magic fingers usually don’t touch a keyboard for less than twelve dollars a word.  (Speaking of which, your monthly reading-my-blog bill is overdue, so if you can get a check off to me in the next day or so, that’d be great.)

    Also, I could only come up with one item, but I pitched it as a list of ten, and they were holding eight pages open for me. And I was like three weeks (or four or five, who knows?) past my deadline.  But like I said, these niche magazines don’t pay hardly nothing so I didn’t lose a lot of sleep over it. Though I didn’t answer the phone for a while.

    So here’s that one item:

    #4:  Include the Goddamn Name of Your
    Restaurant or Bistro on Your Damn Coupon!
    Look, there, Wolfgang, you were just browbeaten by some smarmy 22-year old into buying an ad in the “dining out section” of the local newspaper – itself a dying industry! Newspapers, not dining out sections!  Don’t get smart.

    So you spend all that money on your ad, and you include a coupon in it and then some anal-retentive freak like me clips your coupons right along the dotted line, as we’re legally obligated to, and then pins them on the Restaurant Coupon Board in the kitchen and then when I go to use it…? That’s right!

    No idea whatsoever what the hell it’s for!  None! Zip! Zilch!

    Two dollars off what?  Free entree where?  10% off who?

    That’s why your restaurant or bistro failed!  Okay, technically, it was that ridiculously discounted Groupon you were pressured to sign up for by some other kid in his early 20s that 4,673 people bought and redeemed two days later, coupled with all those negative reviews on Yel– …eh, on that social networking, user review, local search website that curiously started popping up after you declined to advertise with them that put the nail in your business’ coffin.

    But this newspaper coupon fiasco didn’t help!

    By the way, if anyone can identify what the hell restaurants these coupons are for, please let me know.  Before the expiration dates.  Unless these places are already out of business.  Then I don’t care.

    Posted by on April 22, 2011, 1:43 AM.

  10. Hair!

    AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, I cut my own hair. In fact, quite a number of you have asked me to send you some clippings, and a few lucky contest winners have been the recipients of a standard business-size envelope full of that week’s trimmings.

    Anyway, when someone like me – a regular Slovak hair factory here – insists on butchering his own scalp week after week after week after week, despite the subtle hints, overt pleas, and SuperCuts gift cards from friends and family, as well as odd smiles from strangers in public which I like to misinterpret as interest of a sexual nature no matter what these people look like – eventually that tiny vial of clipper oil that came with the hair cutting kit runs out.  So you go on the Braun website in an effort to find out where to buy more.  That is to say, I went on the Braun website in an effort to find out where to buy more.

    And so, look, I’m already on the site and the “bodygroom” section aroused my curiosity. Sure, I’m a man of the 90s.  So I click on it, and I see this:

    Hoo boy.  Well, I hope they paid him well.  You just know that poor guy told whoever was in charge of grooming the models for the shoot, “As soon as the photographer gets the shot, I want you back over here with a razor because there’s no way in hell I’m going home like this.”

    And to those of you who say, “Oh, please, Ted, we’ve seen you without your shirt on and you’ve manscaped your chest hair into a bullseye!” To those of you who say that, I’d like to remind you that’s my goddamn ringworm rash and thank you for bringing attention to it, as if it’s not humiliating enough just suffering with it and now, now being forced to talk about it on my blog. And for your information,  I can’t trim the hair there because it’s a series of raised bumps and if I go over it with the clipper, it bleeds like a bastard.  Then they won’t let me into the showers at the gym. Well, because of that and the other reason.

    Posted by on April 21, 2011, 1:43 AM.

Ted Parsnips: Too Many Kittens! © 2011–2024 Ted Parsnips. All rights reserved. Layout by Andrew Sylvester. All content property of Ted Parsnips or its respective owner, unless otherwise specified.