1. Disgusting Pig!

    SO I just ran up to the Filipino market up the street to pick up some takeout…?

    Since I was there anyway, I just made a quick run around the store to see if there was anything else I needed.

    And I found something interesting.

    I wouldn’t have thought it, because I’d never heard of her before…? And I didn’t realize she was that famous…? But the star of that movie I rented last night apparently has her own line of foods!

    And this Ginger Juice is “instant” – unlike the actress Ginger Juice! I’m telling you, I had to fast-forward through titles, credits, and probably six or seven minutes of pointless setup and talking -talking-talking…!

    Enjoy this one, folks – by tomorrow I’ll probably have come to my senses and pulled it down.

    Posted by on August 11, 2012, 7:01 PM.

  2. Get Off My Lawn! Yard!

    HERE’S SOMETHING I need some help with and maybe you can help me out:

    What the hell is up with lanyards?

    Is this just a Los Angeles thing? Or is this nonsense going on all over the country?

    Over the past three years or so, countless thousands – maybe millions – of otherwise rational-thinking people have decided that the thing to do is to start carrying their keys on a damn “lanyard.” Like this jackass:

    By the way, this isn’t the first instance of me getting caught taking pictures of men’s midsections, but at least this time it wasn’t in the fitting rooms at JCPenney, I had a semi-plausible excuse, and I was able to successfully run away.

    Anyway, I  see this literally dozens of times each day, everywhere, on men and women – the lanyard hanging out of the pocket – and I want to understand, I really do, but I don’t! I just don’t get it!

    Why don’t I get it?  Well, maybe it’ll help if you see my keychain.

    Four simple items: metal key ring, house key, car key, and spark plug gapper that I have no idea how to use but it was a buck at Pep Boys and it impresses the ladies.

    “What’s that, Ted?”
    “Spark plug gapper.”

    I’ve wracked my brain trying to understand the popularity of lanyards as well as the pros and cons of owning one and so far I’ve come up with a bunch of cons but only one pro:

    A lot of people who, a few years ago, didn’t know what a “lanyard” is have since broadened their vocabulary by exactly one word.

    I understand and appreciate the concept of a lanyard as an efficient way to carry an ID card if you work backstage at a concert, or at Best Buy, or, I don’t know, I guess maybe at NASA.

    But how did it make the jump from a cord worn around your neck on which you clip your identification or security clearance to an oversized nylon strap dangling outside your pants with your keys attached? How exactly is this more convenient than a regular key ring?

    So, inspired by NASA and the smart people there, I approached it scientifically, and I drew up a chart to help me figure it all out.

    Well, that was a big bust – I still don’t get it and I’ve wasted nine hours on this – time I could have spent learning how to gap my spark plugs.

    Posted by on August 8, 2012, 4:21 AM.

  3. A Parent’s Dilemma!

    SO the other day I was in danger of running out of gin and Tinactin so I had to run to the grocery store and stock up. And also pick up dinner for the kids – they’re always eating. I was going to get something healthy, like a frozen pizza, but once again, I was outvoted. Kids! What can you do, right?

    So we went with the Little Debbie Zebra Cakes. (Fifth Sunday in a row – you’d think they’d be getting sick of them by now.)

    Anyway, as we were leaving – and you’ll get a kick out of this part: some things never change – little Savannah spied the gumball machines (Remember those things?) and ran up to them shrieking as she does, using that high-pitched screech that she knows just goes through me! Dammit, Savannah!

    And of course, you know what’s next:

    “Daddy! Daddy! Can I have fifty cents for a tramp stamp? Pleeeeeease! Daddy, I want a tramp stamp! Pleeeeease?! It’s only fifty cents!  Pleeeeeeeease, Daddy!”

    Well, like you would be, I was disgusted. The girl is seven years old!

    “What do I look like, an ATM? Use your babysitting money!”

    Hey, at least she didn’t go for one of the things on either side, because we’ve taught her that Disney’s an evil corporation.

    Posted by on August 7, 2012, 5:50 AM.

  4. To Ted It May Concern! August 6 Edition!

    YOU’D think putting together one of my always delightful letters-from-our-listeners posts is one of the easiest things there is!  You’d think that, but you’d be wrong.

    First, I have to contact the mailroom, and order one of the surly interns there to send up three or four mailbags of the better letters. Next I assign a few of my segment producers to start getting the number down to a manageable two or three hundred. Then my assistant goes through those and gets me the best fifty or sixty. Finally, I personally whittle those down to the cream of the crop, the very best letters that–  Yeah yeah yeah, okay, let’s just get this thing started.

    • A pal named Hank writes:

    And here’s the sign!

    While unfortunately I do not have a time machine any more, Hank was right to refer to his What Would Ted Do? bracelet to give him guidance on this issue. To clarify, he came across this sign and sent me the picture on July 25 – a full four days before the July 29 date at the top of this notice! Believe It or Not!

    So what’s the deal? Does someone in maintenance have premonitions about broken elevators? Did Steve or Debbie anticipate it would break? I know I speak for all of us when I say we also enjoy how it was originally taped over the button panel itself, as evidenced by the round outline around the first three letters of “elevator” where someone, hopefully not alone, in possession of a cell phone, and in absolute need, took their chances and pressed the button.

    Look, the bottom line is any one of you good readers could probably do five minutes of solid material on open mic night about this thing; in this one particular instance I don’t need to make the witty comments! It’s just a great sign is all.

    • A pal likely from right here in Southern California writes:

    And following that was a link.  And there it is! He is of course referring to my recent post about this lovely house.

    See, this is where you people argue “Ted, for God’s sake, if you enabled the comments, he could have put it right below the original post and we wouldn’t have to click all over creation to follow this lunacy! Or if you just posted the damn photos from the real estate website that would at least cut down on the number of links we’re all obligated to click! We’re busy people, Ted! We don’t have time for this nonsense!”

    Oh, settle down, you have plenty of time for this nonsense. Plus I have a feeling if I actually included the photos of a house for sale on here within the context of the original post I’d be dealing with lawsuits from owners of both houses, and maybe a class action lawsuit on behalf of anyone anywhere who has similar brickwork accents on their homes. Which would be a shame because now after all this, my attorney tells me that I find the brick thing absolutely charming – a wonderful little touch, really – and by Godfrey, he’s right!

    • A pal named Bob writes:

    Well, as it turns out he doesn’t write anything for the ol’ mailbag, but over on his blog, he did write this very funny piece on proposed spinoffs for The Office that is just perfect. These aren’t just descriptions of the shows, mind you, he created the title cards, too. I’m jealous I didn’t write it. My favorite, and now yours, is “Hail to the Chief.”

    A pal named Some anonymous jackass with the mysterious and impossible to trace email address TedParsnipsWebDesignProjectMgr@tedparsnips.com writes:

    By the way, he’s referencing this photo…

    …from my recent delightful “Back to School” post.

    First of all, when I find out who you are, I will kill you. Secondly, as much as I’m sure we all enjoyed you publicly embarrassing me with your little joke that I wear cheap, ill-fitting jeans that come with a free belt, we all know I haven’t worn any kind of pants that don’t have an elastic waist band for years now. And if I can’t find something with an elastic waist band, I just don’t bother wearing pants at all. Third of all, okay, yes, it was a belt. Where the hell was I going to find a real book strap?!

    • A pal named Dan writes:

    And he enclosed this photo in the envelope:

    Like I said twice in the original post, I didn’t buy any of the 3-C cranberry sauce. And obviously, with Thanksgiving just around the corner, it’s a regret I live with every day. Thanks for rubbing it in, Dan. Thanks for rubbing it in.

    As to the Jo-Ann’s Thanksgiving items (as well as any other Thanksgiving items in any store), let’s just drop all pretense here: Who in hell is buying this stuff now?! It should be noted that Dan further mentioned he’s saving up for the Christmas sale starting September 1st – ha!  Like the stores will wait another 25 days to start rolling out the yuletide merch (industry term).

    • Our last letter’s from our man in London – Clive, we’ll call him – no, Nigel! Let’s call him Nigel! – our man in London, Nigel, covering the XXX Olympiad of the 2012 Summer Olympic…Games. The Olympics! He’s covering the damn Olympics! Anyway, he filed this report!

    What in God’s name was all that?! Great, apparently I’ve hired some unholy hybrid of Michael Caine, Penfold from “Dangermouse,” John Lennon and character actor Terry-Thomas.

    Oh, anyway, there were a couple of pictu–  eh, “photos” attached.

    By Godfrey, he was right!

    It’s uncanny is what it is! It’s those crazy Swirly Design Things that I went on and on and on about some time ago! Like a bloody git, whatever that is! They’re all over those two nice girls’ bathing suits! Who knew that in addition to business cards, VistaPrint apparently offers free Olympic competition swimsuits.

    And since they’re an American company, doesn’t that make up for the American athletes’ uniforms being made in China?

    Anyway, that’s it for now! I want to sincerely thank each and every one of you for writing in – and to show you my appreciation for writing in, I have thanked you in the first part of this sentence.

    Posted by on August 6, 2012, 3:11 AM.

  5. It’s August 1st Already!

    THANK GOODNESS that I visited Big Lots the other day – otherwise I wouldn’t have realized it’s high time we start getting ready for Thanksgiving!

    Aww, won’t Allison be disappointed! She was going to have all her little friends over on Saturday for a pool party. It’s going to break her heart when she comes home from day camp this afternoon to find I’ve put the cover on the pool and closed it up for the season. Ooh, that reminds me, I’ll have to move the gas grill back into the shed, too. Seems I hardly got to use it this past summer. I guess we none of us realized how far along we are in the year!

    Anyway, maybe I’ll head over to Dollar Tree and check out their Thanksgiving section…

    …and perhaps pick up some holiday-themed craft items for the girls to work with. Inside, where it’s warm. Since they obviously won’t be able to go swimming! Not with Thanksgiving just around the corner!

    There.  Boom.  Done.  Little girls love stickers.

    Don’t you hate how all this holiday stuff just creeps up on you every year?! Thank Christ for places like Dollar Tree and Big Lots – otherwise we’d have forgotten all about Thanksgiving until it was too late!

    I’ll have to remind Jean to get a turkey at the supermarket – I just hope there’s time to defrost it before the big day. Oh, and the in-laws had better be going to her goddamn brother’s place this year. Three years in a row at our house is enough!

    And what else…? Ah, the DVR! I need to set it to record the parade! Like you, I sure hope they bring back the Bullwinkle balloon this year!

     The good one, in the old-fashioned bathing suit!

    Posted by on August 1, 2012, 4:19 AM.

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