An Exciting Little Caper!
HERE’S one that’ll have you saying “Hey, gotta hand it to ol’ Ted – he hit the nail on the head with this one, as he so often does!”
I was walking down the street the other day and there’s a pleasant little house on the block south of me. Oh, it’s a cute little cottage-type thing that you’d expect to see in a nice neighborhood, in a decent city; not in this rundown, trash-strewn, slum-ridden area of the filthy toilet that is Los Angeles.
And yet there it was.
I respect people’s privacy and private areas, so I won’t give you a shot of the whole place – but hell, I shot it from a public sidewalk, so my attorney can just shut his lawhole and relax, for God’s sake.
Looks nice, eh? Quaint, in a word, right?
You’d almost expect Rachel Arsewell herself to step right out on the porch and holler “Wot the ‘ell are you snappin’ bloody pictures o’ me ‘ouse for, wot? Get outter ‘ere before I pry a leg off’n me vintage 1920s naturally distressed white finish farmhouse gelding table and beat you within a centimeter of your bloomin’ life! Off with yeh, then, before I ring the constable!”
You’d almost expect something just like that, and you’d be right to.
But before we hurry on our way, let’s take a closer look at one of the little design elements to the exterior. You’re smart – you know exactly what I’m referring to.
There it is.
And here’s the thing: I guess maybe it’s a cute touch…but it makes no sense architecturally!
Accepting, for the moment, that despite your last name being neither Addams nor Munster but you still want to make your house look like it’s in worse repair than it actually is – accepting that, it still makes no sense.
Clearly the idea the idea behind this detail is here’s a darling little bungalow, sure – but even though it’s showing its age, any slight imperfections only make it that much more homey, appealing and cozy. I can buy the whole shoddy chic angle to this decorating flourish. That I can buy.
What I have trouble with is the fact that the charming “exposed bricks” are on top of the stucco.
Anyone with even an elementary knowledge of home construction knows that any brickwork would be under the stucco. The stucco is applied on top of the bricks, to cover it up and give it a uniform, flat surface. So this little added detail, which we all agree is just goddamn adorable, is entirely absurd.
I can’t imagine I’m the only one who notices this. Our street gets a lot of foot traffic – gang members, drug dealers, taggers, the chronically homeless – and no doubt every single one of them who passes this place is thinking the same thing – albeit in another language – and most of them are probably laughing about it.
I’m a good neighbor, however, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the rest of the neighborhood make fun of the fine people living in one of the few nice houses around here.
So tonight, reeeal late, see, I’m going to sneak down the street and with hammer and chisel, knock off those stupid fake bricks once and for all and then pound the holy hell out of a few random areas on the exterior, knocking loose as much of the stucco and exposing the actual brick beneath before the lights start coming on.
And I need you at the curb with the car running.
Let’s do this.