-
Unlicensed Use of Roy Doty Artwork Alert!
LIKE YOU, I’m an enormous fan of Roy Doty – an unabashed “Dotyphile,” as we call ourselves. As you know, I was one of the organizers of the first DotyCon way back in 1978 – and of course I’ve been an integral part of each one since. (Mark your calendars for this year’s event – July 12-15 – Hilliard, Ohio – Super 8 Motel, Room 216).
I also helped design the award we (hope to) give out each year (“The Roy”) at the Con and I’ve been on hand annually to present it should Mr. Doty ever attend and accept it. (This could be the year!) Legendary is my annual slideshow – with my humorous asides – of Roy Doty Christmas cards that I’ve found doing Google image searches, and, brother, if I’m not dressed up for the Roy Doty cosplay parade and mixer (Saturday night), then it means I’m one of the judges.
So you can imagine how stunned, how outraged I was the other day when, perusing the wares of my local National Council of Jewish Women Thrift Store, I come across this:
Oops! Wrong side.
This!
Nope, not quite.
This!
There we go!
It’s bad enough the people behind this vintage, mint-in-box, 1960s Do-Ray Super Compression Electric Rotary Compressor Air Inflater & Exhauster unauthorizingly used a drawing of Mr. Doty’s (from God knows where; no one person can be an expert on the man’s enormous body of work) but to place it alongside the chicken scratchings of an inferior artist is the height of disrespect!
Can we go in for a closeup?
I mean, that’s totally Roy Doty artwork, isn’t it? It’s not just me, is it? The woman looks especially Dotyesque. Right?
Anyway, if I was Roy, I’d sue Do-Ray right out of business – if they weren’t already out of business, that is. Instead, you’ll agree that what he should do is bid on my eBay auction for this exceedingly rare and valuable piece of Dotybilia! (It’s also great for inflating blow-up furnitures!) You should bid on it too! Be part of cartoonist history! Let’s show Roy how much we care and get a real bidding war going! I got a two-month gas bill to pay here.
-
Goodbye, Jinky Singson!
IT IS INDEED with a heavy heart that I say goodbye to Jinky Singson.
I have no idea who she (or he?) is, and likely he (or she?) has no idea who I am.
But nearly two and a half years ago, way back in 2009, on the eighth of September, at precisely nine minutes after six in the evening, Jinky called me – and her (or his?) name and phone number (dutifully obscured below) appeared on my Caller ID.
I suspect Jinky dialed me in error; either hitting a wrong button on his (or her?) keypad, or perhaps trying to reach the production company that had this number before me.
Jinky Singson’s musical name – say it aloud, see how it truly dances off the tongue! – so tickled me that I could never bring myself to delete it. Oh, I’ve wasted no time in erasing from the display the name and number of everyone else who’s called me as soon as I’ve reviewed them. But not ol’ Jinky’s. Never.
And sure, I could have called Jinky back, introduced myself and gotten to the bottom of the mystery as to who she or he is and why he or she called, but I never did. Nor have I Googled the name or number. There’s something to be said, in this age of instant information, for riddles that remain unsolved. Am I so presumptuous to believe I have a right to the answers of all life’s questions? I think we both agree that if I did, I wouldn’t have canceled my subscription to Time-Life’s Mysteries of the Unknown after the second volume (“Ancient Wisdom and Secret Sects”) when they started costing full price.
I like to think of what Jinky and I have shared, whoever she (or he) is, wherever he (or she) is, I like to think of what we shared as our own little version of “84 Charing Cross Road,” minus the two decade-long correspondence – but also minus the depressing ending. (Actually, minus any communication whatsoever save for the number on my Caller ID.)
Or perhaps he (or she?) is the W.C. Minor to my Dr. James Murray. Or vice-versa. Without one of us trying to compile a dictionary (as far as I know) while the other is locked away in an insane asylum (Christ, I hope not). Or maybe…! Just maybe Jinky doesn’t actually even exist, and she (or he?) is the Sabine to my Griffin.
Why, you ask, why, now, after so long, am I finally saying a sad farewell to the name of a perfect stranger that I have come to know as a trusted friend – always there, never farther away than a click of the “CID” button on my cordless?
The damn phone broke when I dropped it.
-
It’s February 20th!
December was two months ago!
Isn’t it about time my neighbor takes down his damn Christmas decorations?!
-
A Funny Little Trick!
WHILE this great nation of ours is currently enjoying a rather mild winter, it’s still hot chocolate season, so here’s a funny trick you can play on a pal or co-worker – especially if you work in an office environment with a kitchen / break room area featuring the standard ratty little wicker basket crammed with complimentary tea bags and hot cocoa envelopes. What’s more, you’ve probably already got all the items you need right there to pull this little beauty off:
Let’s get started! First, using your X-Acto knife, take your hot chocolate envelope and, along the crimped edge, carefully slice –
…You know, maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all. Waste that packet of desiccant and there’ll be mushrooms growing in your bowling shoes inside of a week.
-
Life (at the 99¢ Only Store) Imitates The Simpsons!
From “Girly Edition” (1998) where Lindsay Naegle advises Lisa on broadening her appeal:
“Lisa, Bart’s got something you can’t learn in school – zazz!”
“What is ’zazz’?”
Now we know!
-
Big Lots Presents Crystal Growing!
SO I WAS AT MY LOCAL BIG LOTS the other day shopping for a recliner that’s entirely upholstered in that thin, webby, cheap fabric that quality furniture manufacturers use on the underside of their furniture; a rocking recliner that turns out it isn’t supposed to rock, just that whoever put it together in the back room didn’t tighten any of the bolts enough; you know, a recliner that has – instead of an actual handle to activate the reclining action – a recessed plastic ring that snaps off irreparably within about the first month of use. I think that about covers it.
So I was in Big Lots shopping for one of those the other day when what should I wander across but this crystal growing kit for kids:
And I thought to myself, “Now who the hell around here is going to buy that?!” Because in this neighborhood, brother, in this neighborhood, the kids already know how to make crystal!
Jot that one down on a couple of index cards and you’re all set for next week’s Toastmaster meeting.
-
Big Lots Presents Some Kind of Planter!
SO I WAS AT MY LOCAL BIG LOTS the other day shopping for a garden hose that’ll either snap like a frozen Charleston Chew rapped against the counter if the temperature drops below 42 degrees or will spring an astonishing number of leaks if God forbid I try to bend it at more than a 30 degree angle with the water on, when what should I wander across but these things:
Hey, can we get a closeup of the sign, please?
What the hell is this? Slovak?
“Tarviy?” “Hummintongbird!?”
Is this an example of voice-to-text software gone horribly wrong? Are we to presume that Big Lots creates their signage using voice-to-text software…that they bought at Big Lots?
Or does someone in the Big Lots sign department simply not know how to transcribe five words off a box? I’ve been telling everyone this, and I’ll mention it here: this is precisely the kind of thing that’s going to be a major issue as this election year heats up.
By the way, I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am that after biding my time for four long years, these things are finally available at Big Lots for only $2.50! Hooray!
I should mention they don’t just have the Hummintongbird Hideouts, they also sell the things that started the whole craze – the Upside Down Tomato Planters.
And, yes, fellow lovers of all things retro, we’re in luck – they’re Last Year’s Design!
-
Big Lots Presents Angry Birds!
SO I WAS AT MY LOCAL BIG LOTS the other day shopping for expired, off-brand breakfast cereal at prices never as low as you’d think they’d be when I happened across a flock of Angry Birds magnets.
Marvelous!
Now can we get a closeup of the top of the package, please?
And make it cockeyed and slightly out of focus, if you would.
Perfect! Now what in God’s name is going on here?! Big Lots is a closeout store!
Eight dollars for these things?! At a closeout store?!
But that’s not even the best part!
The best part is that it says “This is not a toy.” and then, elsewhere, we see the manufacturer’s name: “Commonwealth app TOYS.”
Seriously, how stupid do they think we are? We know it’s not a toy!
It’s four toys!
Five if you count the plastic packaging!
-
An Overdue Salute to One of the Links in the Link Section Over There On the Left!
AS YOU KNOW, each month I like to highlight one of the websites I’ve got over there in my “Links” section below. It’s my way of giving back to the community. Well, that and cleaning the men’s rooms at the library every goddamn Saturday for the next six months, but the website thing isn’t court-mandated.
My salute to the hyperlink for the Annual Budget & Financial Reports for Smyrna, Georgia was an enormous smash back in October, and I was honored when the celebration culminated in me flying out there and receiving a key to the city from the mayor, as well taking part in a local Smyrna tradition, the tattooing of a ten-year-old child.
When I shined a spotlight on our Idaho Bee Removal Directory link, I got cards and letters for weeks afterwards, nearly all of them telling me that the link was dead. (It’s since been fixed! Stop writing already!)
And the others – the veneer softener link, the salad dressing link? Enormous homeruns for both TedParsnips.com and, these, my sister sites.
…Oh, and of course I’d like to again apologize to those of you who clicked on the link for that freelance writer – I wasn’t aware of the hard drive-frying malware on his site, and I’m working with the Ted Parsnips Web Design Team to delete his link from the list, as well as from this post (Why did I even include it here? And twice?!), but you know the Ted Parsnips Web Design Team and their lack of urgency about anything that doesn’t concern lunch!
Anyway, the one site from my Links I haven’t yet spotlighted is that of Mad Magazine. I had intended to, of course, but due to the notorious litigiousness of Warner Brothers, I was afraid that even mentioning the name of the magazine in an actual post would leave me wide open to some sort of never-ending copyright infringement lawsuit. Or that Voldemort himself might appear and hit me with his dreaded Ceasium et Desisto curse.
So my attorney called up Warner Bros.’ legal department (or at least he said he did, and then billed me for it) and he’s given me the all-clear sign, and now we’re ready to really celebrate that which is Mad’s blog: The Idiotical.
So here’s a link to that. You should visit it.
…Okay, let me bang the drum here for them a bit more: It’s good stuff, and brother, no one writes a hooker vomit joke like the staff of Mad.
Above: I think I can include that here because they’ve watermarked it so I’m just really sending more traffic (all five or six of you regulars!) to them. But if my site is gone tomorrow, pal, you’ll know why. You’ll know why.
But what’s even better than their daily posts? The advertisements. Yes, the ads!
Oh, sure, people claim constantly that founder William Gaines swore you’d never see an advertisment in Mad, and for all you know, having not picked up an actual goddamn issue in the last eleven years, they still don’t. But Gaines never said anything about the website! The website’s fair game!
So why are the ads on Mad’s website so awesome…?
Because they’re customized for the typical Mad reader! -
I Finally Found A Smartphone I Can Afford!
And they even had my color in stock!
But the monthly plan? That’s where they get you.
Still, it’s better than that reloadable one I used to have – every time I turned around I was refilling that thing. With candy.
Thank you! G’night!
Ted Parsnips
?>
