WE’VE ALL SEEN the commercials. Probably. You’re running low on energy and then you take an energy shot and then you have energy. But are all energy shots created equal? Pretty much, but for purposes of blog content, absolutely not. So, uh, let’s take a look at a bunch of them that I bought, huh?
Also, can’t you just see the above image in enormous poster form tacked up on your dorm room wall? It can be, for only $10. Simply send me $10…and then print it out really big as a poster if you can do that somehow. Voila!
So let’s get started! As with any sort of comparison review sort of thing, we need a control. Here’s the control:
Price: $4.43 for a 2-pack at Walmart
Vitamin B12: 500 mcg / 8333% RDA
Flavors: Pomegranate, Grape, Berry, Orange, Lemon-Lime
5-hour Energy is our control on account of it started this whole energy shot craze thing. And it’s the gold standard, brother. It works.
That is, unless you’re utterly beat when you take it. That’s the trick: All energy shots are much less effective if you take them when you’re already exhausted. If you’re completely run down, then it’s too late. You missed the boat! Call it a night, pal, because you’re finished. Show’s over. Pack it on in! Hit the road, Jack! Throw in the towel! Goodnight, Irene! And, eh…so on. You need to take them before or at the very latest, when you’re just starting to slow down and you know you’ve got a bunch of crap to do before you go to bed.
As for the taste: as you’ll see in the days, weeks, and months ahead as I somehow manage to drag this piece out for what seems like an eternity, many of these shots come in different flavors and in most cases – not all! – the flavors are irrelevant. Most taste pretty similar – an overall tangy, sweet, and slightly medicine-y taste unsuccessfully masked by a mild fruit flavor. I don’t even have a favorite 5-hour Energy flavor. Hell, they’re all fine and the overall taste isn’t unpleasant to begin with.
So then, let’s get started, shall we? …Tomorrow.
Tomorrow: Ted reviews the first three! What do you care, you won’t be back. Prove me wrong, folks.
FORGET Fredericks of Hollywood! That’s a freeway drive away! And you know what traffic is like here in LA!
Ditto Victoria’s Secret! Who wants to go to a mall?!
Here’s Ted’s secret: Buy your lingerie at the 99¢ Only store and save-save-save! Don’t worry! Now it’s our secret!
Sure, I’d passed the lingerie section of the 99¢ Only store countless times over the years with nary a glance as any perfectly reasonable person – man, woman or, whaddaycall, transwhosis – would do, but a few weeks ago I finally noticed it when I’d picked up a leaking bottle of Tampico punch and I needed to wipe my sticky hands on something.
Bras, thongs, panties – it’s all here, brother, and it’s all under a buck! And name brands, too – like Rampage!
Incidentally, that’s just what your wife is going to go on when she finds out you bought her anniversary gift in a store that also sells pints of spoiled, about-to-explode salsa! For 99¢ Only!
Boy, that’d be an anniversary to remember, huh? “Honey, let’s stay in for our special night. I swung by 99¢ Only and picked up some hot salsa that sat in the ‘bring-me-backs’ basket at the register for two days before it was put back in the refrigerator. And after we polish that off, you can put on this white lace thong.”
But if underthings that look like they were fashioned out of leftover scraps from the floor of the factory that makes the vinyl doily table runners (housewares, two aisles over), aren’t her (or your) thing, try these on for size!
Cute, romantic little words and phrases such as “love,” “sweet,” “believe,” “imagine” and, eh, “keep the peace” are printed all over this pair. If your girlfriend says she loves them, that you’re sweet for thinking of her by buying unmentionables at the dollar store, I imagine she’s just trying to keep the peace…but I believe you’ve found yourself a keeper. Marry her now! Confidential to your girlfriend: Run! Run far, far away!
Hey! Let’s talk Lady’s Bras!
Why pay an astronomical $7.95 elsewhere for the same Lady’s Bra they’ve got here for, yes, 99¢ Only!
And what if 34C – the one size available – isn’t quite a snug fit?
Well, then! It’s off to the 99¢ Only store’s mortal enemy Dollar Tree…
…where you’ll pick up a a couple of these adjustable doohickeys to make up the difference.
Now don’t you wish I had posted all this information last month, before Valentine’s Day?
OH, sure, if you go by the calendar, it’s still nearly three weeks away.
Some wait until they see that the red, red robin has returned from her warm winter home in the south; others until the crocus and daffodils are pushing their way up through the soil. But here in the West San Fernando Valley, we have a different harbinger of the coming season. A most frightening omen indeed.
Last night I saw the first crane fly of spring.
Life size…? Not unless you’re somehow reading my blog on the screen of an IMAX theater.
There are those – renowned entomologists, smug Wikipedia editors, know-it-all neighborhood children, irritable 911 operators, and so on – who will naively insist to you that these obscene brutes are harmless. That the clumsy, nearly comical way they flap at you is merely due to their gangly limbs and weak wings and that they pose no danger to humans.
Don’t you believe it.
There’s a reason why the Mexican people have dubbed this creature chupacabra volando, literally “enormous evil flying goat-sucker from Hell.” Proof of the vicious, insatiable bloodlust of these demonic fiends? A distinct lack of goats in my neighborhood.
Now if these beasts could just develop a taste for rooster, maybe we’d all be able to sleep past four a.m. and the local cock-fighting syndicato would move their operation to Tarzana.