To Ted It May Concern! August 6 Edition!

YOU’D think putting together one of my always delightful letters-from-our-listeners posts is one of the easiest things there is!  You’d think that, but you’d be wrong.

First, I have to contact the mailroom, and order one of the surly interns there to send up three or four mailbags of the better letters. Next I assign a few of my segment producers to start getting the number down to a manageable two or three hundred. Then my assistant goes through those and gets me the best fifty or sixty. Finally, I personally whittle those down to the cream of the crop, the very best letters that–  Yeah yeah yeah, okay, let’s just get this thing started.

• A pal named Hank writes:

And here’s the sign!

While unfortunately I do not have a time machine any more, Hank was right to refer to his What Would Ted Do? bracelet to give him guidance on this issue. To clarify, he came across this sign and sent me the picture on July 25 – a full four days before the July 29 date at the top of this notice! Believe It or Not!

So what’s the deal? Does someone in maintenance have premonitions about broken elevators? Did Steve or Debbie anticipate it would break? I know I speak for all of us when I say we also enjoy how it was originally taped over the button panel itself, as evidenced by the round outline around the first three letters of “elevator” where someone, hopefully not alone, in possession of a cell phone, and in absolute need, took their chances and pressed the button.

Look, the bottom line is any one of you good readers could probably do five minutes of solid material on open mic night about this thing; in this one particular instance I don’t need to make the witty comments! It’s just a great sign is all.

• A pal likely from right here in Southern California writes:

And following that was a link.  And there it is! He is of course referring to my recent post about this lovely house.

See, this is where you people argue “Ted, for God’s sake, if you enabled the comments, he could have put it right below the original post and we wouldn’t have to click all over creation to follow this lunacy! Or if you just posted the damn photos from the real estate website that would at least cut down on the number of links we’re all obligated to click! We’re busy people, Ted! We don’t have time for this nonsense!”

Oh, settle down, you have plenty of time for this nonsense. Plus I have a feeling if I actually included the photos of a house for sale on here within the context of the original post I’d be dealing with lawsuits from owners of both houses, and maybe a class action lawsuit on behalf of anyone anywhere who has similar brickwork accents on their homes. Which would be a shame because now after all this, my attorney tells me that I find the brick thing absolutely charming – a wonderful little touch, really – and by Godfrey, he’s right!

• A pal named Bob writes:

Well, as it turns out he doesn’t write anything for the ol’ mailbag, but over on his blog, he did write this very funny piece on proposed spinoffs for The Office that is just perfect. These aren’t just descriptions of the shows, mind you, he created the title cards, too. I’m jealous I didn’t write it. My favorite, and now yours, is “Hail to the Chief.”

• A pal named Some anonymous jackass with the mysterious and impossible to trace email address TedParsnipsWebDesignProjectMgr@tedparsnips.com writes:

By the way, he’s referencing this photo…

…from my recent delightful “Back to School” post.

First of all, when I find out who you are, I will kill you. Secondly, as much as I’m sure we all enjoyed you publicly embarrassing me with your little joke that I wear cheap, ill-fitting jeans that come with a free belt, we all know I haven’t worn any kind of pants that don’t have an elastic waist band for years now. And if I can’t find something with an elastic waist band, I just don’t bother wearing pants at all. Third of all, okay, yes, it was a belt. Where the hell was I going to find a real book strap?!

• A pal named Dan writes:

And he enclosed this photo in the envelope:

Like I said twice in the original post, I didn’t buy any of the 3-C cranberry sauce. And obviously, with Thanksgiving just around the corner, it’s a regret I live with every day. Thanks for rubbing it in, Dan. Thanks for rubbing it in.

As to the Jo-Ann’s Thanksgiving items (as well as any other Thanksgiving items in any store), let’s just drop all pretense here: Who in hell is buying this stuff now?! It should be noted that Dan further mentioned he’s saving up for the Christmas sale starting September 1st – ha!  Like the stores will wait another 25 days to start rolling out the yuletide merch (industry term).

• Our last letter’s from our man in London – Clive, we’ll call him – no, Nigel! Let’s call him Nigel! – our man in London, Nigel, covering the XXX Olympiad of the 2012 Summer Olympic…Games. The Olympics! He’s covering the damn Olympics! Anyway, he filed this report!

What in God’s name was all that?! Great, apparently I’ve hired some unholy hybrid of Michael Caine, Penfold from “Dangermouse,” John Lennon and character actor Terry-Thomas.

Oh, anyway, there were a couple of pictu–  eh, “photos” attached.

By Godfrey, he was right!

It’s uncanny is what it is! It’s those crazy Swirly Design Things that I went on and on and on about some time ago! Like a bloody git, whatever that is! They’re all over those two nice girls’ bathing suits! Who knew that in addition to business cards, VistaPrint apparently offers free Olympic competition swimsuits.

And since they’re an American company, doesn’t that make up for the American athletes’ uniforms being made in China?

Anyway, that’s it for now! I want to sincerely thank each and every one of you for writing in – and to show you my appreciation for writing in, I have thanked you in the first part of this sentence.

Posted by Ted on August 6, 2012, 3:11 AM.