The Sunday Paper!
IF THERE’S one thing that we can all agree on its how much time is wasted each weekend with the tedious, never-ending chore of reading the Sunday paper. It’s a thankless job, but it’s got to be done. I hear tell of those who are stuck at a Starbucks for hours – often with a girlfriend, goomah or, God forbid, wife – just trying to just get through this thing.
I’m going to show you how to power through that son-of-a-bitch and be done with it so you can get to more important things, like sitting in front of the TV at home, trying to undo that ingrown toenail with an awl.
Now if you have the misfortune, as I do, to live in the toilet that is Los Angeles, you’re stuck with the LA Times, which logically should be printed on cottony-soft two-ply. Though it is not.
First, let’s take a look at this bad boy:
Above: The Sunday LA Times with its requisite weekly hand-wringing front page sobfest about people who’ve made irresponsible life choices and now suddenly we’re supposed to not only feel sorry for them but take care of them. In this case the president of Yemen.
Christ on a cracker, 486 pages! This is going to take forever! Or is it…? Watch and learn, pal. Watch and learn.
Front Section: News. You’ve already read it online, heard it on the radio, or watched it on TV. Trash.
Big 5 Sporting Goods Circular: Keep.
Travel Section: You never go anywhere. Trash.
Business Section: Okay there, Mr. Rockefeller, you’re not fooling anyone. Trash.
Real Estate Supplement: In this economy? Trash.
Vehicle Classified Ads: These still exist? In the age of AutoTrader.com, Craigslist, and that stretch of Los Feliz Blvd. between Western and the 5? Trash.
Calendar Section: Trash.
Mattress Store Flyer: Like you or I know anyone who buys their mattress new. Trash.
Comics I Section: Read: Dilbert, Get Fuzzy, Pearls Before Swine, Bizarro, In the Bleachers, Frazz. Skip: Doonesbury, Lio, Candorville, Stone Soup, Non Sequitir. Then trash.
Toys R Us, Dell Computers, Local Appliance Store, Camera Store and Cash for Gold Flyers: Trash.
Coupon Sections: Hand to wife, significant other, or whoever you spent last night with and is still hanging around. Optional*: “Get clippin’, there, sweetheart!”
*Dependent on presumed temperature of partner’s coffee.
Official Vegas Guide to Summer: Hand to girlfriend.
Old Navy Flyer: Well, you should know where I stand on Old Navy since that Tie Shorts debacle. Trash. (I admit I glanced at the madras shirts for a moment. Ultimately, I’ll stick with my ring tees. As a pal says, “Ring tees never go out of style.”)
JC Penny Flyer: Wait, they’ve got better madras shirts for two bucks less than Old Navy. On the second page. Tear it out, hand scrap to wife, tell her you like green, and trash the rest.
Lowe’s Circular: Keep.
Sports Authority Flyer: Keep.
RiteAid and Walgreen’s Flyers: Wife.
Target Supplement: Glance at grill and patio furniture section, then trash.
Comics II Section: Read: Zits, Mutts, Fox Trot, Marmaduke (Yes, Marmaduke, including Doggone Funny!), Jump Start, Classic Peanuts, Shylock Fox (mystery only), Blondie, Baby Blues. Skip: Prickly City, Home and Away, Drabb– You know what, I take that back. You’ll want to read all the comics, because God knows when the final nail is hammered into the newspaper industry’s coffin in the next six months or so, the only thing we’re going to miss is the comics.
Best Buy Circular: Keep.
Sears Shoe Circular: Shoe circular?! Would it have killed Sears to include some Craftsman tools in there? Trash.
TV Weekly Lite: Trash. Unless you’re over 75 and this is the only reason you buy the paper. And believe me, if you’re over 75, this would be the only reason you’re buying the LA Times!
Harbor Freight Tools Circular: Do I really need to tell you this? Keep! Keep!
LA Times Subscription Card: Fold into paper airplane and sail into trash.
Local TV/ Stereo Superstore Insert: Keep.
Parade Magazine: Keep. Sir Walter Scott’s Questions About Celebrities That No One Actually Sent In is always good for a chuckle, and that Marilyn Bon Vivant gal makes you think.
Arts & Books Section: Tear off last page with crossword puzzle, sudoku, and, yes, Ask Amy, trash the rest.
California Section: Trash.
Sports: Tear off Fry’s ad from back page. Trash the rest.
Now here’s the best part: This week’s Sunday paper comes with a great big brown paper shopping bag for OfficeMax that you’re supposed to bring to the store and cram stuff in it. But you’re going to use it to throw the rest of the paper away in. Ta da! Done. And in record time, might I add.
By now you should be back in the car, leafing through whatever’s left while laying on the horn for what’s-her-name to get her ass in gear and hurry up with that extra bear claw.