GOOD NEWS! Old Navy’s summer line is here, and thank heaven above, they’ve got tie shorts in stock!
So what in God’s name are “tie shorts” you ask?
Well, they’re pushing them like they’re something we’re all familiar with, so if you’re asking that question, pal, you’re part of the problem. Old Navy don’t like it, see, when people like youse start nosing around like dat!
My guess…? The original pattern for these shorts was maybe photocopied wrong, like folded on top of itself or something, sent out to all their garment factories and next thing you know, six million pairs of normal shorts with a little extra strip of fabric sewn onto the waist show up in a container ship in Long Beach where some Old Navy vice-president in charge of quality control notices the screw-up and immediately messes his lightweight poplin beach pants.
Quickly come up with a new name and write a catchy little jingle to get those idiot “Glee” fans in the stores to snatch them up! Crisis averted!
What’s interesting, though, is that the commercial clearly suggests that “tie shorts” are available for women and men (“starting at just ten bucks for everyone” which is in itself a lie – $10 will only get you the kids’ shorts). Anyway, the guy’s shorts do seem to have some sort of tie ends visible on them.
And yet! Over at the Old Navy website, these are the only men’s “tie shorts” available – featured prominently on the main page for the men’s section, no less!
Now let’s look at a pair, hmm?
You seeing any ties on these shorts?
Oh, maybe we need one of my patented closeups, hmm?
And these shorts, featuring – according to the Old Navy Website – “button closure and zip fly,” what are they called…?
Men’s Summer Tie Cut-Off Shorts.
“Cut-Off?!” Whatever. But where’s the goddamn tie? Why the hell are these things called “tie shorts”?!
This is precisely why you and me, we stick to our shorts with the elastic waistband.
No improving on perfection!