HERE’S SOMETHING you’ll enjoy pondering with me.
I was at my local Walmart recently — oh, save your indignation! I saw you there last year on Black Friday, snatching away the last of the 80″ flat panel HD Smart LCD 3D TVs from some poor pregnant woman with six kids in tow who was going to use her SNAP benefits and a couple of EBT cards to buy it, so you can just take your holier-than-thou attitude about me shopping at Walmart and stuff it! And also, continue reading!
—Ahem, as I was saying, I was at my local Walmart recently, and I saw this:
Now this honestly confused me. Why does anyone need more than one contact lens case, let alone a dozen cases, sold here in a “Value Pack”…?
I mean, you only have one set of eyes, right? You’ve only got one prescription.
And here’s where you gain new respect for me, all because of this:
That, above, ladies and gentlemen, is the contact lens case I received from my optomwhosis when I first got contact lenses…
I’ve used it for 27 years! I’m not kidding!
I mean, it has to be the same one. I don’t remember ever going out and buying a new case. I’d have no reason to. This one works fine!
And lest you think it’s filthy-dirty, take a gander below:
Here it is, open, still wet from the remnants of last night’s saline solution, and clean as a whistle, I might add.
Here’s the inside of the caps…
…and they’re pristine and still have their rubber rings in perfect working order, not dried out or cracked. I don’t know if they even make contact lens cases with rubber rings like that anymore!
Update! Yes, an update before I’ve even published this!
It seems they still make something very similar to mine, but not exactly like it.
And I notice this on package…
Pphpt! Yeah, “Change Your Lens Case Monthly” — if you want to piss your money away!
So according to Bausch & Lomb, I’m supposed to change my lens case eight to twelve times more often than I change my so-called “two-week disposable” lenses! What a crock!
I’m kidding about that last part of course. I change my lenses much more regularly. Sure.
[Dr. Emerson, if you haven’t retired (or died) and you’re reading this, I’ll be in for my overdue eye exam next week. Hopefully it’ll be cloudy. Hurts to see when the sun’s out.]
Anyway, while we’re on the subject of the amazing longevity of my health & hygiene accouterments, check out my toothbrush!
Got it in my stocking, Christmas 1976, and she’s served me well ever since!
Saw this ceramic delight in my local Salvation Army.
A hand-painted Mickey Mouse ashtray!
I think we can presume it is currently the record holder for speed in the Received-As-A-Gift, Donated-To-A-Thrift-Store category.
SOME WEEKS AGO, in an effort to get fresh content out there where it’ll do everyone some good in a more timely manner, we introduced a new, uh, dealie there:
Instead of simply
we now have
which means I can now legally tell you what things are bueno — a Slovak word meaning “nifty,” sure — from all sorts of dollar stores, not just the Big Two, as we call them here in Southern California. Oh yes — we’re no longer limited to 99¢ Only or Dollar Tree! I can shop with confidence at all those crappy, no-name dollar stores, too! Well, with as much confidence as those garbage dumps inspire, and ho ho, brother, it ain’t much!
And what’s more, I’ll be rating all these items in terms of their buenocity. For instance, something’s a great deal? Bam! I’ll give it seven dollar signs, just like that, so you know it’s good. Something’s ridiculous, a big waste of money, but I thought you should know so you steer clear (because I’m just that kind of a caring guy)? One lousy dollar sign, if that!
What’s really great is that these changes to the Ted Parsnips model allows me that necessary loophole to review items that are being sold for more than 99¢ only from the increasingly-in-name-only 99¢ Only store (which I swore to God on a stack of 99¢ Only printed-in-China bibles I’d never ever do).
I’m not quite sure how this provides me this loophole, but for the sake of argument, let’s say it does, because, really, what do you care?
So, let’s get started and see how this works!
A Gallon of Kraft Ranch Dressing!
It’s a frickin’ gallon of name brand ranch dressing for 99¢ only, therefore,
7 out of 7 dollar signs, obviously.
See, that was pretty painless. Now, the whole thing’s a work in progress, though, so expect some changes, or, more likely, expect me to just lose interest in the whole thing or accidentally and permanently delete all the little dollar sign rating icons I spent eight weeks creating.
But just to prove to you that it works for any dollar store, let’s do another one:
We would’ve given it 7 dollar signs, but it claims to be authentic…
…and I sat outside blowing in this thing for six hours and not a single Sasquatch showed up.
The cops did, however.
Anyway, there you have it. New ¡What’s Bueno! rating system, making your life easier, and God knows, making it easier for me to put new content up here on a regular basis. And on that note, expect even more of the content on here to be dollar store-related, since it’s going to be so much easier now. And shorter, probably, too. Because the internet has spoken! — “We can’t focus for much more than 140 characters now!” — and I have listened! Mostly! (I think this particular post may clock in at around 143 or 144 characters.)
Also, I’ve decided to use something brand new called “social media” — that you’re probably just reading about right here for the first time — to further announce all “What’s Bueno” news, and to that end, I’ve created a new Twitter account to do so – @WhatsBueno99. (It would have just been “@WhatsBueno” but some guy is already using that name, and what kills me is that the account is basically dead. He tweeted a grand total of three times and that was six years ago. If he only knew what kind of gold mine he’s sitting on!)
Anyway, I encourage all of you to follow me on Twitter — and for a limited time, the first five tweets I send out to you will be free. (After that, your credit card will be charged $29.95 per Tweet unless you cancel — ooh, and please be sure to send me your credit card info so we can get started on processing that.)
Also, just to be a jackass, I went ahead and followed all of you who are already following me on that other one, what is it, @TedParsnips, which lately seems to be a repository of pictures from those marvelous 1960s Popeye cartoons.
So, anyway, this should be fun, right?