1. ¿What’s Bueno? ¡Queso Monterey Jack Rebanado!

    ¿What's Bueno? I'll Tell You!

    I’ve heard of bricks of cheese, but this is ridiculous!


    Cheese Shingles. Not “Singles.” Shingles.


    I don’t know!

    Maybe it was supposed to be “singles” but the package design copy editor has a lisp and uses voice-to-text software when creating new product labels…?


    Or is this one of those ridiculously esoteric food items that you usually only see on those obnoxious cooking shows?


    “Chefs, please open your baskets.


    “For the dessert round, you must use veal brittle, aquarium granola, horse balls and Monterey Jack cheese shingles. Good luck.”

    Outside of those two scenarios, “shingles” doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I’ve worked construction. I know what shingles look like. I’ve also had shingles. I know what shingles feel like. These are neither rectangular and rigid, like the shingles on your roof; nor itchy and painful, like the shingles on your crotch.

    So I asked a pal for his opinion.

    “Look at this package of cheese I got at 99¢ Only. Is this a mistake?”
    “Oh yes, buying cheese at the dollar store is definitely a mistake.”
    “No, you jackass! The word ‘shingles’ on the package!”

    He wasn’t sure either, but suggested that ‘singles’ are often individually wrapped slices of cheese (these were not individually wrapped), and since each slice was slightly staggered from the next thus resembling the overlapping nature of roofing shingles, perhaps the unlikely descriptor was intentional.

    Mm. An interesting hypothesis, but I think he was giving too much credit to a company whose label looks like it was designed on a free online logo maker, so I immediately dismissed it. Plus there was that crack about where I do most of my shopping.

    But it’s all irrelevant now anyway and we may never know the real story behind Monterey Jack Cheese Shingles because on a subsequent trip to 99¢ Only, I picked up this (for 99¢ Only):


    Ah!  Slices!  Now there’s a word we all understand!

    You know what? They were pretty good. And that name change can only help. Now I can enjoy Monterey Jack Slices without being subconsciously reminded of  the bitter woody taste of cedar shingles or the gamy herpes taste the other kind is infused with. Oh, please, like you don’t eat your scabs!

    Now then! Who’s up for one of my famous grilled cheese sandwiches?

    Posted by on June 3, 2013, 4:55 AM.

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