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Unreal 77 Peanut Butter Cups: A Review!
LIKE YOU, I love peanut butter – especially in cup form.
Recently I heard about a company that was making peanut butter cups – and other candy – with an eye towards them being a bit more healthy than your traditional candy. They decided to give corn syrup the ol’ heave-ho. GMOs were verboten. (Don’t worry, I don’t know what they are either nor could I be bothered to look it up.) Partially hydrogenated oils were given their walking papers. Artificial flavors, colors or preservatives? Marched out back and shot!
They decided key ingredients needed to be locally sourced, dairy products would have to come from cows raised in pastures, not in airport smoking lounges – and to do it all, they promised to implement e-Verify and hire only Oompa-Loompas that are in the country legally.
…Doompity doo.
The point is, they’re trying to make a difference, dammit!
So after learning all this, I realized something: I really didn’t care.
I really didn’t care because it’s candy, for God’s sake! I’m not thinking “healthy” when I’m treating myself to a piece, or a never-ending series of pieces – one after the other, all afternoon long, while I sit at this God-forsaken desk – of candy! Just like you’re not thinking “healthy” when you eat that potato salad that’s been in the back of the fridge since the Fourth of July. (I’m sure it’s fine.)
And so I think I surprised us both last week when I bought a package of these peanut butter cups at Ralphs – but I didn’t surprise us both too much because they were on sale. I forget for how much, but I do know it wasn’t as cheap as I’d expected. However, it was an impulse buy (industry term) and I further justified the purchase when I remembered that if I blogged about it, I could legally deduct the cost.
So without further adieu (industry term), on with the review!
Unreal77 Peanut Butter Cups
Package Design: Pleasant though it would be delightful if it were somehow more anachronistic.
Texture: No complaints.
Taste: They were good.
Portion: Ah, here they get into some trouble. As you know, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups – the gold standard – weigh in at a hefty 1.5 ounces per 2-cup package. These things, however, are a measly, wispy, ready-to-float-away, gee-can-you-spare-it-you-cheapskate-you 1.3 ounces. That’s a difference of 0.2 ounces! Hell, I don’t have to tell you, you got good marks in third grade math!
So at this point, you’re saying to yourself, “Well, that’s all I need to know. Ted has spoken. And as usual, he’s right – ounce for ounce, my candy dollar goes a lot further by buying Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. And by ‘candy dollar,’ I mean the money I’m using to purchase candy, not an actual dollar bill made of candy.”
We all know what you mean! But wait just a minute here. You didn’t let me finish. Because there’s something that sets these Unreal Peanut Butter Cups apart from the competition – so let’s begin the unboxing and you stop me when you see what it is…
Anything yet…? No? Okay. We’ll continue.
What about now? Really…? Still nothing? Okay, let’s go in for a closeup…
Still nothing? You really don’t see it? Take a good careful loo–
HEY! You sneaky son of —
Anyway, clearly, you know what the difference is: These Unreal 77 Peanut Butter Cups are unfettered by those stupid scalloped paper wrappers! Completely unfettered! Where as Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are fettered by those wrappers, Unreal 77 Peanut Butter Cups are not – they’re totally unfettered! 100% unfettered, these peanut butter cups are! Unfettered by those paper holder things! Okay, I think we’ve got it now.
But yes! There are no annoying paper wrappers to pry off from the bottom of these things! The Oompa-Loompas, with their stubby yet surprisingly nimble dwarf fingers – they do it all for us at the factory!
We’ve all been there: Attempted to remove the brown paper fettering from a Reese’s and lost a good wad of peanut butter cup in the process – that big dollop that remains attached to the paper. And then what do you do? Well, if you’re like me, and I imagine you are, you do your best to slurp it off the paper. But it’s a sloppy endeavor at best and you invariably get some stuck to your nose and lips and then it always ends up smeared on the chalice or floating in the wine when you go up for Communion a few minutes later. And of course someone down the line is going to complain. (Usually that old bag Erma Lockwood with her supposed “peanut allergy.”)
Obviously, this same exact scenario has played out for the good folks at Unreal Candy and they’ve decided to unfetter all of us from the shackles of those little paper things. And that, folks – that is what sets these peanut butter cups apart.
And when you think about it – that big wad of Reese’s matter that ends up stuck to the paper…? It probably weighs more than 0.2 ounces. So if you’re one of those people who doesn’t suck every bit of stuck peanut butter cup off the paper (and apparently such people do exist), you’ll actually be ahead of the game, net weight-wise, by buying these Unreal 77 Peanut Butter Cups!
Still, despite their very nice taste and the ingenious lack of paper fetterment, I cannot in good conscience give these Unreal 77 Peanut Butter Cups an overwhelmingly positive review.
Such reviews are reserved for products by companies that send me boxes of free stuff. And who knows – one of these days, it might actually happen.
Ted Parsnips
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