Merry Christmas and Good Evening.
Look, it’s Christmas (again!) – yes, yes, Merry Christmas and all that! – but you’ve just found out Aunt Judy’s all alone again today – just like last year! – and she’d really like to see you and the kids again. Sure it’s a pain in the ass, but she still has the first dollar she ever earned so it can’t hurt to spend another few minutes with her – after all, she’s not going to live forever (although it’s starting to seem that way) and she’s got to leave that money to someone…!
Dare you drop by without a gift?
No sir! What to do, what to do?
Jons Grocery stores to the rescue! Not open today (Why, it’s Christmas, after all!), but since when did that ever stop you (and that brick you carry in the trunk)?
Around the corner from the produce section (you may have to feel your way a bit what with the lights off and all), on a display made of their own shipping cartons, you’ll find these seasonal delights:
What could be more Christmas-y than chestnuts?
You’ll just need one pack, but take two to be safe. They’re 4 for $5, but go ahead and leave a $20 bill on one of the checkouts on your way out – after all, it is the season of giving and your generosity will pay off in spades in just a little while.
Once at Aunt Judy’s, grab a few of her Good Housekeepings and Family Circles, set them ablaze in her candy dish on the coffee table, and voila, you’ve got the requisite open fire that goes famously with your present! Brother, you’re all set!
Good heavens! What’s this on the back of the package?
…And Aunt Judy, she’s…what is she now, 87…? 88…? Yeah, there’s no way those choppers are going to be able to negotiate these holiday treats. They’re going down her gullet whole! At least part-way!
So here’s what you do: While you and the missus are roasting them with Aunt J., send whichever of the kids took the CPR class (with the unit on the Heimlich maneuver) out of the room. In fact, send em all – Barney & Ben, Janice & Jen – out back with a monkey wrench and have them turn off the water to the house.
This way there’s no pesky glasses of water available for a frantic attempt to clear the esophagus, no okay-everyone-let’s-get-our-story-straight (kids are terrible at this!), and best of all, no worries about the pipes freezing up over the next few months since the place will be empty at least until spring when everything goes through probate and you can unload this dilapidated dog of a charming 2 bedroom, 1-1/2 bath charming mid-century fixer-upper that smells from spoiled cottage cheese and old lady. (Or is that redundant?)
Note: Today’s entry was perhaps a bit darker than the season warrants for you see I’ve been watching a lot of “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” there on the ol’ Netflix lately. So let’s presume that after the merry little scenario described above plays out, Hitch (or in this case, me – our profiles are quite similar, especially with all this holiday binging) comes back to tie things up and announce you all got caught and went to the electric chair (including little Janice & Jen), even though we all know he’s (rather, I’m) only saying that because the network and his sponsors (or my attorney) are making him. Or me. Feel better now? Good night.