1. Go Ahead! Guess!

    LIKE ME, you love those “What-Is-It?” features in magazines and game shows and whatnot, where they take a closeup photo of something and demand that you guess what it is.

    So here’s one I came up with just for you!

    Guess what this is!


    If you guessed, uh, I dunno, a bunch of popcorn crammed into some sort of popcorn ball…you’re wrong!  But you may not be too far off! Nope, nope—not a scoop of yummy chocolate chip ice cream, either. What’s that? ‘Detail of the nooks and crannies of a delicious Thomas’ English Muffin?’ Good guess, but no! Hmm! What could it be?

    Let’s pull out a bit and let you guess again:


    Some manner of fungus found under a rock, attached to a tree stump, growing between my toes? Good, reasonable guesses, each one — yet all equally incorrect!

    What could it be?!

    Want to take another look?


    “I recognize that!” I hear someone say, “Those are NASA photos of the surface of some far-away planet, with craters and ridges eerily resembling otherworldly faces, etched by millennia of violent meteor showers and enormous asteroids bombarding the extraterrestrial surface— or perhaps carved there by some ancient civilization.”

    Fascinating! And you, sir or madam, are 100%…wrong!  Ha!

    Here, try again:


    Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. “Parsnips, you sneak!” you bellow. “That’s the bedroom from your old apartment when you came home from vacation and found that the cottage-cheese acoustic ceiling was soaking wet from a leak in the roof, and dripped down for a full week onto your bed ruining those Huckleberry Hound bedsheets you’d had since you were a kid, and you, like a jerk, ended up settling with that cheap bastard of a landlord of yours for a hell of a lot less than you should’ve, you-jackass-you!”

    Close! In fact, when you mentioned “ceiling” you were very warm — superheated, even!

    Because it is in fact…


    …the ceiling inside my microwave oven! And despite how terribly unsanitary/unsafe it appears, turns out this is the best microwave I’ve ever owned! And I’ll prove it by cooking a Banquet chicken pot pie for you.





    Cooks in half the time the box says, and that’s with it just sitting on the counter near the microwave!

    Posted by on April 3, 2015, 11:55 AM.

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