1. Doggie Dress-Up!

    HEY, how about this!

    Not only does the 99¢ Only store have a pet section, and a Halloween costume section, but they also have a pet Halloween costume section!

    And they’ve got today’s hottest styles, too – witch, ghost, angel, sexy plumber, pirate. All your favorites are here!

    Here’s one now:

    Here comes “Lil’ Princess” – and isn’t she adorable!

    In the image above, “Lil’ Princess” is expressing (in stylish Comic Sans) a positive, holiday-appropriate sentiment.

    I don’t buy it. I think we all know this is a little more accurate:

    Speaking of euthanization, here’s another candidate for the rainbow bridge:

    Sure, the animal doesn’t look unhappy, but it’s one of those noisy little rat dogs that no one likes and really has no reason for existence; you’ll agree that’s good enough for a one-way trip to Econo-Vet.

    Of some concern to me, and now you, is why the “Brady Bunch” typeface is so popular on Halloween merchandise. Perhaps I’m showing my age, but I posit that whoever’s doing package design for dollar store product is too young to recognize it as anything other than a fun” font. And frankly, that’s disturbing.

    However, the most distressing aspect of the package is this:

    Distressing not to you or I, of course. Distressing to the cats.

    Those tense, uncomfortable looks of anxiety on their faces tell us they quickly went from “Ha ha ha! Only an idiotic, subservient dog would allow itself to be dressed in a costume!” to  “Wait – what did they say? Fits who also?!”

    I ran this by Mr. Whiskers and he assured me that if I want to see unholy amounts of blood and gore this Halloween, there’s no reason to rent “The Hills Have Eyes.” I need only attempt to put such a costume on him, and be sure to pre-book a spot in line at the emergency room.

    Ironically, they call this one “Best Friend”:

    “Not after you make me wear this get-up in public,” Tuffy’s once trusting and now unforgiving eyes seem to say.

    Here’s comes “My Baby”:

    Presumably “I’m Unable and/or Not Allowed To Have Children Of My Own” didn’t fit on the back of the cape.

    Since the canine model on this package is another of those evil, high-strung, yip-yap dogs…

    …the costume is completely superfluous.

    Interesting to note that they used the same dog for the “Angel” costume.

    What kind of torturous moral dilemma might you be facing to find one of each – poof! – suddenly appear opposite one another on your shoulders and offer you conflicting advice via constant high-pitched barking directly into your ears? Just a guess: Something involving puppy-sitting your girlfriend’s irritating Pomeranian while she’s out of town and the traveling Mexican dog circus is passing through. I know you’ll make the right decision. Just have plenty of Kleenex on hand when you tell her.

    “Walk Me” is the curious title of our next little number:

    Apparently putting a red cross on the bonnet instead of a purple heart and printing “Florence Nightingale” on the cape was either too esoteric or disrespectful. And then they’d have to include a little lamp, which would push the price point a good nickel or two past ninety-nine cents only.

    Finally, here’s Bowser with “Let’s Run!”

    I got news for you, pal – the time to run was when they were coming towards you with the costume.

    By the way – credit where credit is due: Most of these ensembles are made by the good folks at “FurBrainz”…

     …and made for pet-dressing people who are best described by adding a profanity in front of said manufacturer.

    Posted by on October 9, 2012, 12:17 AM.

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