Corndogs! I Don’t Remember Eating Corndogs!
LIKE YOU, I’ve been trying to eat healthier lately. Trying to, ha!, but not succeeding! Recently, I visited my local Wienerschnitzel quick-serve (they don’t like you to call it “fast food”) restaurant and discovered they’ve got one of those good old-fashioned corndog sweepstakes going on with prizes galore, including what I like best, cash!
It goes like this: When you buy a corndog, there’s something printed on the stick – but lucky for you, you have to eat the corndog to see what that is (unless you’re Superman and have X-ray vision). If you’re an instant winner, you could win $10,000, $1,000, or other stuff, like additional corndogs. Yum!
As many of you know, I blow at least ten thousand dollars at Wienerschnitzel every year, so I think we all agree it’s only fair I win that $10,000. Here’s how I’m doing it:
First, I bought a corndog. It came in this neat paper wrapper telling me about the contest. (I’ve saved it and I intend to upload a picture of it to Flickr in thirty years so hipsters of the future can ooh and ahh over its “amazing early 2010s design.”)
Next I unwrapped it. It may look a lot like one of my used Q-tips, but rest assured, brother, that there’s a corndog – and a scrumptious one at that.
Then I ate the damn thing. How was it? Deeeeelicious! But I wasn’t a winner!
Or wasn’t I…? [And here I arch my eyebrows – okay, technically my one long hairy Slovak eyebrow – as though to indicate I’ve something up my sleeve.]
Now here’s where the fun part comes in. Taking my “officially” non-winning corndog stick, I carefully deleted the part where it says I didn’t win $10,000.
And being even more careful, on the other side of the stick, I’ve delicately added verbiage that indicates I did win $10,000.
Now, it’s only a matter of popping this into the mail and letting them know I won, and them sending me my money.
Why am I telling you this? Well, since you’re one of the, what, six people who visit this blog, you can do the same thing – it’s my gift to you for being such a loyal reader! Only don’t do it for the ten grand. They’ll know something’s up if there’s more than one winner. Do it for one of the smaller prizes. Like a “Free 3-Pak of Jalapeño Poppers.” (Just be sure to write small!)
Next time: I’ll show you how to fool the (greedy, union-run) US Postal Service and save money by creating your own postage stamps from old Decca record sleeves – you know, the kind where they have little images of other albums.