1. Can’t Sleep…Clown’ll Eat Me!


    Do a search on Murderpedia, the online encyclopedia of murderers (the name of which immediately brings to mind two things: 1. How rich we are, living in the 21st century, where such information is available at our very fingertips, and 2., technically, shouldn’t it be called “murdererpedia”?)…ahem, as I was saying, do a search on Murderpedia, and you’ll find there are 5,020 matches, by name, for “Michael.”

    Interesting, you shrug disinterestedly, but Ted, why are you bringing this up? 

    Because, reader, one can’t help but wonder if one of them had a (presumably) well-meaning aunt named Betty.

    Let me connect the dots for you, via photography:


    In 1968, Aunt Betty put brush to canvas and likely changed her nephew, little Michael’s life forever.

    Because this is what she painted:


    This is what she painted:


    This is what she painted:




    Now perhaps, despite this hanging on the wall of his bedroom as a child, little Mikey somehow eventually grew up to live a perfectly normal life. Perhaps.

    But I’m guessing none of his childhood pets did.

    Especially that unholy hybrid he was somehow inspired to create — the rabmunk, he called it — that he attempted by grafting together equal parts of rabbit and chipmunk, and then tried to cover up the blood and stitches and squeals and guilt by submerging it in pail of blue Rit dye.


    Oh, Aunt Betty, what hath you wrought?

    Incidentally, best thrift store painting I, and now you, have ever seen or not, $24 was too steep for my tastes. I did, however, keep an eye on it as the 29th of May crept ever closer — the day everything at the Salvation Army would be marked half-off.

    Surprisingly (or not), it remained in the store for a few days, but alas, by the 28th, it was gone, perhaps to damn the future of another innocent tot. More likely, we’ll be seeing it on eBay.

    Posted by on May 29, 2015, 4:13 PM.

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