Big News In The World of ¡What’s Bueno!
MANY of you, what, six readers come here regular for one thing and one thing only: to read our popular feature, “What’s Bueno at the 99¢ Only Store”…
or its sister feature, “What’s Bueno at Dollar Tree”…
the latter which doesn’t pop up nearly as often as it should.
But what I’m hearing from all your emails, letters, postcards, and rocks with notes attached somehow thrown through my computer screen is this:
“Sure, Ted,” you begin, “Sure, this is bueno and that’s bueno, and then this other thing? Bueno. But some things seem bueno for obvious reasons; others not so.”
And you continue: “Why, there’s even been times, Ted, when some of the items you’ve labeled bueno are not bueno at all, and seem so absurd and ridiculous — why, my family and I suspect that you’re just labeling them bueno ironically — oh, we wouldn’t put it past you, you wacky guy!”
Guilty as charged!
So I thought to myself, Ted, I thought, how can we keep the popular feature — and yet make it better for them, what, six readers?
And then it hit me: Another rock flying through the screen.
Got me good, too — 18 stitches, and a Frankenstein-like scar on my forehead the guy at the emergency 24-Hour EconoVet said I’ll carry for life.
But while I was recovering from my concussion, it occurred to me that maybe what I should do is start rating the bueno-icity of these bueno items.
So I got right to work, and came up with this clever rating system: A series of 99¢ Only logos, and the amount of bueno of each item would be conveyed through the number of logos. For instance, something with nine logos would be the most amazing deal you could find at 99¢ Only:
Something with, say 4-1/2 logos would be a pretty good deal (I mean, its inclusion under the What’s Bueno banner already implies it’s bueno).
And, eh, something with just one logo? Or, God forbid, half a logo…?
Let’s just say it’s such a lousy deal that it’s being included only to point out what a lousy deal it is, because it’s unbueno at any price, as I imagine Ralph Nader would say if he had a blog.
Good! Everything set! Ready to go!
…Well, no, because ever since that lawsuit with the Fried Bologna Board of America, the stockholders here at Ted Parsnips LLC say everything I write has to go through Legal first. I tell you, we didn’t have these problems back in the 1950s, when I started blogging!
Those killjoys in Legal were of course worried about the whole rating system, and sent it off to my attorney (Why the hell do I even have a Legal department if they’re just going to send things out to our main lawyer? They’re more useless than the Ted Parsnips Web Design Team, who spend an awful lot of company time developing ideas for some sort of idiotic local Carnival of Cheese event they’re all involved with).
Anyway, my attorney immediately had a conniption [legal term] and said using 99¢ Only store’s own 99¢ Only logo as a rating system would be like poking the 99¢ Only store’s Legal Department with a 99¢ Only stick, to coin a phrase.
“Besides,” he continued, “besides, those rating icons only work for 99¢ Only stores, so, what, you’re going to create a whole set of other rating icons for Dollar Tree and every other goddamn dollar store you go to?! Just how complicated do you want to make this idiotic blog of yours that nobody reads?! It’s not like you’re covering anything interesting — like local cheese carnivals.”
Well, he does have a point, so we gave the old new rating system the heave-ho and came up with a new new rating system, to wit:
The Official Ted Parsnips New What’s Bueno Dollar Store Rating Guide!
And here’s how it goes:
Seven Dollar Signs = The cream of the crop! An unbelievable find! An amazing deal! It doesn’t get any better than this!
You come across whatever I’ve reviewed with these lucky seven dollar signs at a dollar store, you pick ’em up, brother, and you pick up plenty of ’em! This is your best dollar store value, and you’re lucky — damn lucky! — you got a pal like me what tells you about crap like this! Damn lucky!
Six Dollar Signs = Still a really great deal! Just not an absolutely amazing deal! Worth dropping by your local dollar store on the way home from work even if you just ate a bunch of sauerkraut and your stomach is rumbling. Just make it snappy. No dawdling. Who gets to eat sauerkraut at work just before going home? I wish I worked in your office!
Five Dollar Signs = A great deal, but not a really great deal! Head home, deal with the after-effects of your late afternoon sauerkraut snack, then head back out to the store later, but do it tonight.
Four Dollar Si— …Okay, I think you get the idea. The more dollar signs, the more bueno the deal, the fewer dollar signs, the fewer bueno the deal. The scale goes all the way down to…
…No Dollar Signs, which of course means it’s a huge waste of money, even at a dollar.
And as someone who enjoys needlessly complicating things, I’ve of course crafted half-ratings for the whole scale as well…
…such as this Three and a Half Dollar Signs, which is for something that would fall, yes, midway between three dollar signs and four dollar signs. Though we’re both wondering why I bothered since it’s no secret I’m someone who enjoys dealing in extremes and 98% of the ratings will probably be either seven dollar signs or no dollar signs.
Anyway, that’s it! Are you as excited as I am?
Oh boy — I’m sure you can hardly wait for my next post!