¿What’s Bueno? Lingerie!

FORGET Fredericks of Hollywood! That’s a freeway drive away! And you know what traffic is like here in LA!

Ditto Victoria’s Secret! Who wants to go to a mall?!

Here’s Ted’s secret: Buy your lingerie at the 99¢ Only store and save-save-save! Don’t worry! Now it’s our secret!

Sure, I’d passed the lingerie section of the 99¢ Only store countless times over the years with nary a glance as any perfectly reasonable person – man, woman or, whaddaycall, transwhosis – would do, but a few weeks ago I finally noticed it when I’d picked up a leaking bottle of Tampico punch and I needed to wipe my sticky hands on something.

Bras, thongs, panties – it’s all here, brother, and it’s all under a buck! And name brands, too – like Rampage!

Incidentally, that’s just what your wife is going to go on when she finds out you bought her anniversary gift in a store that also sells pints of spoiled, about-to-explode salsa! For 99¢ Only!

Boy, that’d be an anniversary to remember, huh? “Honey, let’s stay in for our special night. I swung by 99¢ Only and picked up some hot salsa that sat in the ‘bring-me-backs’ basket at the register for two days before it was put back in the refrigerator. And after we polish that off, you can put on this white lace thong.”

But if underthings that look like they were fashioned out of leftover scraps from the floor of the factory that makes the vinyl doily  table runners (housewares, two aisles over), aren’t her (or your) thing, try these on for size!

Va-va-va-voom!

Cute, romantic little words and phrases such as “love,” “sweet,” “believe,” “imagine” and, eh, “keep the peace” are printed all over this pair. If your girlfriend says she loves them, that you’re sweet for thinking of her by buying unmentionables at the dollar store, I imagine she’s just trying to keep the peace…but I believe you’ve found yourself a keeper. Marry her now! Confidential to your girlfriend:  Run!  Run far, far away!

Hey! Let’s talk Lady’s Bras!

Why pay an astronomical $7.95 elsewhere for the same Lady’s Bra they’ve got here for, yes, 99¢ Only!

And what if 34C – the one size available – isn’t quite a snug fit?

Well, then! It’s off to the 99¢ Only store’s mortal enemy Dollar Tree…

…where you’ll pick up a a couple of these adjustable doohickeys to make up the difference.

Now don’t you wish I had posted all this information last month, before Valentine’s Day?

Posted by Ted on March 5, 2013, 2:51 AM.