I’ve Located The Source of the Outbreak!
And sadly, it is our beloved Dollar Tree!
If you’re like me, and I reckon you are, you love nothing more than finding a great deal at a local yard, garage, or – as we called ’em where I grew up – tag sale. Who doesn’t love rooting through someone else’s garbage? No one, that’s who!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to yard sales and found a first edition of “The Birds of America” (signed by John James Audubon – and he also drew a little cartoon owl) or a pair of brand new, never-worn Bruno Magli ‘Ruhof’ hip-wader fishing boots ($1,449.50 online at the discount shoe-ery!) or the original shooting script to Citizen Kane with hand-printed notations by Orson “What Is A Gonk?” Welles himself, where he’s crossed out – in his own hand – the sled’s original name (“Melvin”) and hastily scribbled in a last minute change to something else, though I forget what.
I’ve found all those things and more, sure, and I’ve passed on every goddamn one of them!
Why? you ask.
Because the morons selling them put these god-forsaken stickers on them!
And they’re absolutely impossible to get off!
Anyway, it was a difficult decision, but on behalf of bargain-lovers everywhere, I did what had to be done to stop the spread of this scourge at its source.
You’re welcome, fellow yard sale enthusiasts!
Oh, and don’t worry, it was quick and painless. Unlike explaining to a Dollar Tree manager why I was photographing myself grinding a package of stickers into the carpet.