EACH December 31st finds me, in the late afternoon, slathered head to toe with Veet, ritually denuding myself of all body hair.
The reason is two-fold: First, it wouldn’t be Charlie and Anne Bishop’s New Year’s Eve party – an annual tradition here in our little cul-de-sac – if I didn’t show up dressed as a smooth, pink Baby New Year, complete with top hat, diaper, and sash. (And speaking of dual purposes, that diaper comes in handy when the wait for the bathroom becomes a little too long, given the amount of alcohol I’ll be consuming – so don’t worry, Anne, your precious indoor dwarf Meyer Lemon tree in the corner of the sun porch is safe this year, I promise!).
Oh, and second, like you, I like to give myself a fresh, hairless start each year, and what’s fresher and more hairless than a completely smooth man-baby?
And as I let the thioglycolic acid work its depilatory magic on my person (Tingly!) it gives me a chance to reflect back upon the past twelve months, as we close the books on yet another year, this particular year being 2011, and as we peer ahead forward towards the oncoming year, in this case 2012, and consider the possibilities, the hopes we have for it, and the things we hope to do and accomplish, and anticipation, with a sense of hopefulness, so that a year from now, we can look back on a year rife with accomplishment and promise…and maybe even dreams.
Now, many of you have called, sent postcards and in some cases emailed me, wondering, perhaps aloud as you wrote the cards and emails, and definitely aloud if we spoke, “Ted, what have you planned for 2012? Have you any resolutions, Ted?”
Well, as I tell Latreece, my probation officer (she’s cool), each Wednesday at 4:30 p.m., “You can’t improve on perfection!”
But to be fair, I think there are things we can all do to improve ourselves. And so my gift to you, this New Year’s Eve, is a list of ten things – call them resolutions if that makes it easier – that we should all strive to do, to make the world a better place in 2012. I’m going to do them, and I encourage you to, as well:
1. I will no longer go to Souplantation barefoot. (Note: If you live in a beach community, you can of course disregard this one. It’s more for us “inlanders.”)
2. I will increase the weights I work with at the gym to whatever the next size up from the pink vinyl-covered ones is.
3. I will intend to make a reasonable effort to try not to back out of volunteering for Meals-on-Wheels at the last minute just because “something better came up” unless it’s something really cool. (Or, even better: I will no longer volunteer for delivering Meals on Wheels at all – that’s probably a more realistic one, and when you think about it, it’s actually a more positive change we can make for all the hungry shut-ins.)
4. I will try those new Hot Pockets Side Shots.
5. I will not curse in public: Not at the library, not picking up Kaylee at daycare when she “dawdles” despite me laying on the horn for twenty seconds at a stretch, and definitely not on this blog.
6. I will keep my clothes on when–
…Actually, that’s going to have to be it because I was only supposed to leave this crap on for six minutes but I lost track of time writing this shit for you and it’s been about three-quarters of an hour now and suddenly it feels like my entire body is on fire so even if I manage to get in the shower right now and scrape it off (and it’s dried now, caked on, so I’ll have to scrape it off!), it looks I’m going to be a red, tender mess again this year for the party.
Jesus H. Christ! Perfect fucking ending to 2011! Good fucking riddance to this piece of shit year!