Emails from Ted’s Pails! …Er, Pals!
COUNTLESS of my, what, six readers have written to me during the many years I’ve had this blog, and all have posed the same question: “Ted,” they all ask, “Why, Ted, you must get so many interesting emails from your readers; won’t you share them with the rest of us – especially since like an idiot you refuse to enable comments on this blog of yours.”
Up to this point I’ve avoided covering Listener Mail for one reason only: It would mean I’d have to commit to a name for this feature and I was torn between “I Shaved My Mail Bag for This?!” and “Parsnipsnal Corresparsnips” both of which you’ll agree are Bennett Cerf-level genius. They’re so good, in fact, that I’ve decided to save them for some future project, and they’re both protected by basic copyright law merely by virtue of me coming up with them and so noting it here, if I understand basic copyright law correctly and ignore what my attorney tells me completely.
So, to review: I made them up, they’re mine, and by law you cannot steal them and use them for your own. You’ve been warned; govern yourself accordingly.
“To Ted It May Concern” is of course just as good as the other two and it’s a little more accessible to my readers in Serbia (Two visitors as of May 23, 10:28 p.m.! Or one visitor, twice.) who might not get the clever wordplay of the other possible names.
Anyway, on to the letters!
A pal from Sacramento writes,
I enjoyed your recent post about the decorative bottles of vinegar so much, I ran to the kitchen to take a picture of my mother’s own collection she keeps atop the stove to share with you. But alas! They are gone. Did someone donate the bottles to the thrift stores in your area? I guess we’ll never know.
Yes, we’ll never know indeed! The vinegar / olive oil bottles piece got more mail than any piece we’ve run so far – two emails! Read on!
A pal from New York City writes,
…My mom still has those gross disintegrating oil and vinegar bottles on her shelf, along with bath products from twenty years ago! Gotta love old pack rats. Where would our thrift stores be without them?
Where would they be indeed! Pack rats are thrift stores’ best customers and their best suppliers (especially once the health department steps in and you get one of those Three Day Notice to Comply things taped to your door – and who doesn’t remember their first one?).
A pal named Canada writes,
Regarding Nancy Walker… did you ever notice the she and Dr. Zira from Planet of the Apes have the exact same hairstyle?
They have the exact same hairstyle indeed!
And as though to drive home the point, said email-writer posted pictures side-by-side of Dr. Zira and Nancy Walker on his blog, and brother, he ain’t kiddin’ – they have the exact same hairstyle!
Actually, you should visit Bob Canada’s BlogWorld regularly because it’s got pictures taken in Target, like my blog does, but I don’t want any of you going there and then saying, “Screw Ted Parsnips and his lame website – this blog is better plus the guy can draw!”
So while I’m enabling the link now, you’re all on your honor not to click on it until you each submit a signed affidavit promising that you’ll come back here when you’re done. There’s going to be a head count at the end of the post, and God help any of you, what, six regulars who aren’t here. God help you, that’s all I’ll say.
A pal from Dallas writes in regards to my second-to-none coverage of local dollar stores,
“I was just telling my wife, Audrey Mae, ‘why pay more for electrical doodads just because they may be UL approved.’
And then later,
“My wife Dorothea and I are looking forward to more reviews of good wholesome calories from the cheap eats stores.”
Hm. Hmm. I thought maybe I was being mocked, so I had my better half Caroline take a look at the email but she just said I was being paranoid.
Finally, a pal from Somewhere On The Internet writes,
“I, too, noticed that there was no corresponding asterisk in the directions on the back of the box.”
This was, of course, in reference to those Duncan Hines brownies I alerted readers to some months ago. Said pal called Duncan Hines and not only got an answer to the whole missing asterisk problem, he (or she?) passed along the information to me.
What were the chances that someone else would have noticed the missing asterisk, contacted the company about it, later read my take on it and then email me?!
Forget that time last year when my long-lost twin brother Bronislav-Vibol (who was adopted shortly after his birth to Boupha Pok, widely regarded as the Cambodian Angelina Jolie) contacted me purely by chance via Nigerian scam at an internet fermented fish paste café – this Duncan Hines Missing Asterisk Email is the most amazing thing I have ever and will have ever received in my inbox.
But I want to thank you all for writing in.
Every one of Ted’s pals whose email I read in this edition of Ted’s Mailbox or whatever the hell I’m calling it gets their very own Goodie Bag filled with… …A bagel necklace with your name on it! Dynamite magazine! Nannnndy Cannnndy! A pack of Fruit Stripe gum! A 45 of “Boogie Fever” by today’s guests The Sylvers! A package of Lender’s Bagelettes! …And an Oral-B toothbrush!
I’m just kidding – you get nothing. The honor of having your email edited down to nothing and posted here is thanks enough. Plus, we both know that I’m writing to no one at this point – I lost most of you by the second email, and the rest of you never came back from Bob’s blog.