1. Corndogs! I Don’t Remember Eating Corndogs!

    LIKE YOU, I’ve been trying to eat healthier lately. Trying to, ha!, but not succeeding! Recently, I visited my local Wienerschnitzel quick-serve (they don’t like you to call it “fast food”)  restaurant and discovered they’ve got one of those good old-fashioned corndog sweepstakes going on with prizes galore, including what I like best, cash!

    It goes like this: When you buy a corndog, there’s something printed on the stick – but lucky for you, you have to eat the corndog to see what that is (unless you’re Superman and have X-ray vision). If you’re an instant winner, you could win $10,000, $1,000, or other stuff, like additional corndogs. Yum!

    As many of you know, I blow at least ten thousand dollars at Wienerschnitzel every year, so I think we all agree it’s only fair I win that $10,000. Here’s how I’m doing it:

    First, I bought a corndog. It came in this neat paper wrapper telling me about the contest. (I’ve saved it and I intend to upload  a picture of it to Flickr in thirty years so hipsters of the future can ooh and ahh over its “amazing early 2010s design.”)

    Next I unwrapped it. It may look a lot like one of my used Q-tips, but rest assured, brother, that there’s a corndog – and a scrumptious one at that.

    Then I ate the damn thing. How was it?  Deeeeelicious! But I wasn’t a winner!

    Or wasn’t I…? [And here I arch my eyebrows – okay, technically my one long hairy Slovak eyebrow – as though to indicate I’ve something up my sleeve.]

    Now here’s where the fun part comes in.  Taking my “officially” non-winning corndog stick, I carefully deleted the part where it says I didn’t win $10,000.

    And being even more careful, on the other side of the stick, I’ve delicately added verbiage that indicates I did win $10,000.

    Now, it’s only a matter of popping this into the mail and letting them know I won, and them sending me my money.

    Why am I telling you this?  Well, since you’re one of the, what, six people who visit this blog, you can do the same thing – it’s my gift to you for being such a loyal reader! Only don’t do it for the ten grand. They’ll know something’s up if there’s more than one winner. Do it for one of the smaller prizes. Like a “Free 3-Pak of Jalapeño Poppers.” (Just be sure to write small!)

    Next time: I’ll show you how to fool the (greedy, union-run) US Postal Service and save money by creating your own postage stamps from old Decca record sleeves – you know, the kind where they have little images of other albums.

    Posted by on March 26, 2012, 1:29 AM.

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