A Trip to Dollar USA!

LIKE you, I do most of my dollar store shopping at the 99¢ Only store and Dollar Tree.

But when the opportunity arises to visit another dollar store, oh boy, count me in! Don’t think me disloyal to the Big Two, as you like to call them. But you just can’t get everything you need there. So I was particularly excited when I found myself in the Southbay recently and came across this treasure trove of discounted delights:

First item on my list: Salt & pepper shakers. Yes, I know, both Dollar Tree and 99¢ Only sell them, but they don’t carry a brand I trust.

But Homebee Cook? That’s right up there with Rubbermaid. But even Rubbermaid can’t be bothered to put their brand name in  a fan-made freeware Disney-esque font. That’s why Homebee Cook gets all my salt shaker business. Yours too now, I reckon!

And speaking of kitchen storage, I’d been looking for one of them new type store boxes, dere. You know, to store stuff. Not one of them old ones. A new type store box, sure.

Perfect. I can mark that off my list!

I don’t know if it’s a mid-life crisis or if I’m bipolar or what, but lately there have been times when my life just feels as empty as my walls.

Not any more, brother! With this set of three press adhesive bond type hooks, I’m guaranteed a better life! And, hell, if that doesn’t work, nails have been thoughtfully included that I can drive into my skull for a self-lobotomy!

We could all stand to lose a few pounds, am I right, gang? And for a buck, this waist trimmer is one hell of a better deal than Marco, that stupid trainer at my gym who charges fifty bucks an hour and asks that I shower before our appointments.

I’ll shower when and if I want now that I’ve got Waist Trimmer.  I trust it ! It’s already making me Beauty Healthy just like the gal on the package!

These Loving Gloves saved our marriage! I bought a pair for Marisol to wear and now I don’t have to wait for her to down her usual six-pack of Smirnoff Ice and accompanying Jager shots before she’s comfortable touching me. Plus they’re made of latex and I don’t have to tell you what that does to me…!

And look at the girl on the box with the enormous fivehead. I’m glad to see Mena Suvari’s still getting work.

As I’ve discussed here before, I desperately wanted a boy but Marisol wanted a girl. She won the first round by manifesting the baby’s gender in her womb (though I suspect the dark arts of Santería had something to do with it). But once she popped the kid out, I started gaining ground by giving my little bundle of joy an androgynous name and raising Vojtek as a transgender. (They’re very trendy right now!)

Here’s the next step:

I got “him” these! They’re girls’ boxers, if there is such a thing (There’s not, I looked it up!) yet the label features the masculine, unlicensed countenance of Spongebob Squarepants.

Oh, they may say they’re for girls, but a closeup of the tag reveals the subliminally hidden truth:

Ah ha!  Boys briefs!  I knew it! I’ll have little Vojtek identifying as a male by the time we enroll him in kindergarten next year.

Finally, it’s my old Italian barber Nuncio’s birthday next week. And what do you get the barber who has everything?

How about a Japanese fighting fish swimming in Barbicide! Done!

Yes sir, my trip to Dollar USA has been a magnificent experience. Why, if they weren’t selling these there, I’d have bought one elsewhere, and presented them with it.

…on behalf of me and the Committee of Awards, that is.

Posted by Ted on April 9, 2013, 3:38 AM.