1. 58 Energy Shots You Need To Ingest, Just For God’s Sake, Not All At Once! Part 2 In A Series!

    ENERGY shots!

    What would this blog be without them? The Ted Parsnips Web Design Team practically lives on them, I use them to write when my own creativity and my bottle of gin have both run dry, and heaven knows you, what, six readers probably need them to get through some of my longer, head-scratchingly abstruse posts where there’s some vague hope I’ll eventually get to the point.

    As a public service to you, the reader, I’m going to review 58 of these babies or die trying! Sure, my physician has warned me it’ll probably be the latter. But man, what a legacy to leave behind, right?

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    Rx Energy Fast Shot
    Price: 99¢ only at 99¢ Only Store
    Calories: 10
    Vitamin B12: 500mcg / 8,333% RDA
    Flavors: Green Tea
    Before: Lethargic.
    After: Enthusiastically reorganizing your sock drawer alphabetically.

    Packaged to resemble a miniature Arizona Iced Tea container, Rx Energy Fast Shot is one of the weaker energy shots out there, but still has a bit of a pick-me-up, and it tastes vaguely like prune juice – bonus!  Peel off the plastic label and onlookers could easily mistake it for a tiny, airplane bottle of booze, so why not down a few while driving in heavy, slow-moving traffic? “The joke’s on you, officer – this isn’t alcohol! It’s a natural green tea energy shot! …That? Yeah, well, that’s a crack pipe.”


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    ON GO Energy
    Price: 99¢ only at the 99¢ Only store
    Calories: 5
    Vitamin B12: 500 mcg / 8333% RDA
    Flavors: Grape, Fruit Punch, Pomegranate Blueberry, (and, not shown) Lemon Lime, Berry Blast, Mandarin Orange
    Before: Nodding off.
    After: Getting the dog up on his hind legs by holding a paw in each hand and dancing with him while singing “In a Mountain Greenery” and the dog’s wagging his tail but whining and gently biting your hands because he doesn’t like being on his hind legs while being waltzed around the living room – not even to his favorite Lorenz Hart tune.

    ON GO is one of a handful of brands that I always see at 99¢ Only. They get points from me for having not one, not two, but six flavors, and they’re actually pretty distinct. My favorite, and now yours, is Lemon Lime, which tastes like the melted, concentrated res•i•due you suck out of a spent green Fla•Vor•Ice sleeve.


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    Energy 2000
    Price: 99¢ at Walgreens
    Calories: 0
    Vitamin B12: 500mcg / 8,333% RDA
    Flavors: Grape
    Before: Listless.
    After: Surprising your girlfriend by duct-taping all of the ATM receipts in your wallet into that damned scrapbook she’s always trying to get you to work on with her.

    Just how powerful is Energy 2000’s “energy blend”? It’s so strong that its natural and artificial grape flavors are no match for its medicine-y taste. And much like that Ecuadorian cab driver who said he could safely shuttle me from the Valley to LAX in time for my flight, the bottle likewise earned my trust by promising “No crash!”


    Well, we’re off! A fine, auspicious start to this new blog feature, you’ll agree! Depending on how you look at it – whether you count brands, images, or flavors – I’ve reviewed eight, five, or three energy shots, and have only fifty, fifty-three, or fifty-five more to go. It’s a race against time! Can I review them all before my spleen gives out and/or some asshole at Cracked steals the premise and somehow manages to come up with copy that’s even less entertaining?

    Posted by on March 11, 2013, 6:23 PM.

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