5 Things I Found In That Filipino Market That You Think Sound Dirty!
LAST WEEK I introduced you to the wonders of the local Filipino supermarket, remember?
It was a big move for both of us – you know, stepping outside of our comfort zones and buying food – to eat! – at a store where there are fish heads on ice for sale and in the dairy case there’s like six different types of bird eggs available, and that’s not counting the usual kind (from, what, chickens, right?). But this place hasn’t been closed down by the Board of Health, so I guess they’re doing something right. Or someone’s being paid off. Who knows?
Anyway, it struck me that a lot of the stuff they sell – and by a lot, I mean five things – have dirty-sounding names. At least you think so, you perv! Oh, that’s real mature, pal. Reeeal mature. What are you, in grade school?! And here they are:
Ha! Jackfruit! I mean, what were they thinking when they decided to call it that?! Ha! Jackfruit! Haaa! Ha!
Oh my God! These things are called Mango Balls! Wait, wait – Dried Mango Balls! Can you believe it! Someone signed off on this! “Hey, we need a name for our new product. What should we call it?” “How about Mango Balls?” “Sure, sounds good!” Did they not think this thing through? I guess not!
Ding Dong! Ha! And – ha haaa! – it says Mixed Nuts on the front! Also an elf sits under a mushroom, and I don’t have to tell you what that reminds everyone of! (Why, a leprechaun, of course!)
Puto! Now some of you might say “Well, Puto doesn’t sound dirty!” It does when you live in a part of the country with a proud Latino cultural heritage, sure! The fellas in the weight room at my gym are always calling me “puto,” no doubt ribbing me good-naturedly for my tendency to forget to wear underpants under my basketball shorts (leaving precious little to the imagination, especially when I’m doing my jumping jacks). So whatever “Puto” means in Filipinese, it apparently means “pony-sized genitalia” in Mexicanian – making this particularly funny now that I’ve deciphered it for you! Ha! “Puto!” If the people at White King Foods only knew! …”White King”?! – that’s racist!
Finally, here we have Milky Knots. Ha! Ha ha ha, “Milky Knots!”
Actually, this one sounds dirty and also painful somehow.
Look, we all had a good laugh here, but for God’s sake man, how old are you? Grow up!
Heh heh…”Mango Balls.”