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Hello 2012!
IT’S NOW 2012 and could there be a better time than the first of the year to discuss the whole gym situation? No, I think not.
As you know, recently, the giant corporate-run gym chain I go to was bought up by another giant corporate-run gym chain. Or maybe my chain bought out the other chain. Well, it was one or the other. Oh, it was all so fast, who can really say what happened?
Regardless of who did what to whom, the fact is that because of this buyout, or merger, or whatever, and also because it’s the beginning of a new year, suddenly I’m going to be seeing a lot of new faces and fat sweaty asses at my gym. Some of you will be from the other chain, others will be completely new to the world of fitness, having decided (somewhat foolishly if you ask me) that 2012 is going to be the year you finally get in shape.
But listen: You don’t have to come to my gym! Seriously! You do not have to!
To you buyout people: Your membership is still good at your old gym! There’s really no reason whatsoever to switch locations.
Our equipment is all notoriously outdated (check Yelp!), most of it’s broken, and none of the machines are the same brand you’re used to working out on.
Sure, you could do 120 pounds easy on the inclined lateral pelvic row extension at your old gym, but try using our inclined lateral pelvic row extension set at the same weight – with the stirrups set farther back a full two inches then your body is used to and the handgrips way up over your head – and you are going to wrench your back something awful, guaranteed! I’m telling you! But what can you do? You’re used to safe, modern, routinely-serviced BioStrength equipment! We’ve got nothing but Aero-Fitt dinosaurs from the early 80s here, half of which are missing important parts!
One of the weight plates on our isometric reticulated groin fly is gone and do you know what they replaced it with? An old plastic milk jug filled with sand and duct-taped to the plate below. Yes. Who wants to work out on that? Not you, brother. Not you!
And as to you New Year’s Resolutioners: Come on. Why waste your time? Do you know how difficult it is trying to get started on even a moderate exercise regimen after, what has it been, years of inactivity? Have you any idea the pain you’ll be in for?
Instead, focus your energy on something that won’t compel you to pilfer Vicodin from that aunt of yours who is recovering from back surgery; something you can achieve. Hey, why not finally get cracking on that family history project you’ve been meaning to start?
It’s sedennnnntarrrry…!
You can peruse genealogy websites to your heart’s content and do it all in front of your computer without breaking a sweat. And look at it this way: Instead of ramping up the elliptical at the gym to a breakneck Level 2 pace, suffering a massive heart attack and dying an ignominious death right there on the cardio room floor, you could instead be researching your ancestors and uncovering fascinating details such as the startling number of relatives who passed away at a young age due to health problems associated with morbid obesity.
And to both groups – you gym rats from the other chain and you who are contemplating just getting started, let me try one more approach:
For God’s sake, please just stay the hell out of my already over-crowded gym. There’s too many goddamn people there as it is!
I’m glad we had this little talk.
Stay away.
Ted Parsnips
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