Congratulations to Ryan Lewis and Macklewhosis!
While they were just Grammy-nominated for song of the year for “Same Love,” perhaps they’re better known for “Thrift Shop” – whose lyrics Goodwill cleverly co-opted for use on posters in their Southern California store windows earlier this year:
Coppin’ it, washin’ it, ’bout to go and get some compliments
I’m gonna pop some tags
Only got twenty dollars in my pocket
I-I-I’m hunting, looking for a come-up, this is f—ing awesome
I wear your granddad’s clothes.
I look incredible.
And so on.
Surprisingly, there’s no corresponding posters for the lyrics “What up, I got a big —-!” or “I’ll take those flannel zebra jammies, second-hand, I rock that mother——” or even “That’s just some ignorant b—-.”
Still, (used, unwashed) hats off to Goodwill for having their finger on the pulse of pop culture.
By the way, for you folks over the age of, what?, twenty-five, “pop some tags” means removing price tags after you’ve purchased the item. But don’t feel bad! Judging by all the discarded paper stubs and price stickers on the floors and tucked into the walls of Goodwill dressing rooms, I think a number of their shoppers may have misinterpreted the song as well.
“BAD NEWS, Commissioner Gordon! The Penguin’s on the loose!”
“Fire up the Bat-Signal!”
“We can’t, sir! It burned out last night and we’re waiting on a replacement bulb!”
“Okay, you two, follow me up to the rooftop and get ready to blow like you’ve never blown before!”
That penny is going to cost Ralph’s a fortune, I promise you.
Well, it’s someone’s job to turn each one over and look.
IT’S a Parsnips Family Tradition, every year on the Friday following Thanksgiving, to pile into the car and head over to our local Big Lots, where we ooh and ah over this year’s hot sauce gift sets. Like your family*, we too consider it the official beginning of the holiday season, and it just wouldn’t be Christmas without marveling at all the colorful bottles filled to the brim with vinegar and peppers, salt and, of course!, xanthan gum, each one containing the same ingredients in minutely varying amounts to create just the perfect formula for, say, Ragin’ Blaze or even Kickin’ Cayenne!
*Unless your closest Big Lots is in Marysville, WA, apparently.
And there’s always the nostalgia when you see your own kids peering in wonderment at all the different themed boxes - just like you and I did when our parents brought us to look at the hot sauce collections so many years ago. Good times. Good times.
…Eh, so anyway, after we all had our fill of that, we wandered down the stocking stuffers aisle. Not sure when candy excrement became a thing, but I know those “pooping reindeer” toys have been around for a few years. Today, the novelty line with that Sphincter-Shooting Action™ scores of fans have come to love includes Santa, a penguin, a snowman and this little fella:
Can we get a closeup of the head? We can? Excellent!
Seems…hmm..kind of familiar doesn’t he?
Why, yes – he looks just like the Grinch’s dog Max – if he was suffering from an acute and rather severe case of Gastric Dilatation Volvulus, which sound like Seuss words but are much harder to rhyme. Too much roast beast?
Regardless, while this may not be the perfect gift for you or me, I reckon it’ll be a hit with the Widow Seuss, who can probably expect a nice little settlement from the manufacturer once she gets her attorneys – Floob, Boober, Bab, Boober & Bubs, presumably! – on the case!
“And the good thing, honey, is that there’s no reason you can’t wear this with the Catholic schoolgirl uniform I like!”
$5.97 in Walmart’s toy section!
LIKE YOU, I’d been thinking about switching gyms. Where I go now, the equipment’s old and a lot of the machines are constantly out of order. In the weight room, there’s little to work out with because every week more and more of the dumbbells and free weight plates have gone missing. And the worst part? Getting the goddamn third degree from the people at the front desk as I drag my backpack out of there each afternoon. I don’t have time for that, not when the scrap metal yard down the street closes at 4:30!
So I was thinking about trying out this place:
I’d heard of 24 Hour Fitness, of course, but I didn’t know enough about the type of clubs they have. But here’s what sold me – right there on the sign, it lets you know it’s an active gym.
An active gym – you know, as opposed to a motionless workout center. Oh, sure, some people are more at home at one of those torpid, idle, static, immobile fitness places where you come in and remain perfectly still, but not me, brother! No sirree, I’m a shark, always moving! That’s why a gym that says “active” right out front is the place for me!
Believe me, I learned my lesson years ago when I got roped into a never-ending contract at Performance ProFit and then after I signed I found out my membership was only good at their Performance ProFit Sedentary clubs.
Still, what a workout Alma put us through in her six p.m. pinochle class. Whew!
In eager anticipation of KCET’s Huell Howsgiving Day Amaze-a-thon - and I know you share my prayers that they don’t air that annoying bunny museum one yet again – here are some stills from the episode where Huell interviews Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston:
“Well, I don’t know if you can really consider peanut butter donuts an addiction.”
“Now is it possible to make meth amphetamines from lint? ‘Cause I know this lady…”
“If you were cooking up a small batch, yes, I suppose you could set up a lab in a teardrop trailer. But it would be…cramped.”
Naw, I’m kidding of course. Actually, these are from the opening sequence of local Nashville, Tennessee program “The Happy World of Huell Howser” from 1973.
Clearly the interview subject above is a slightly older, time-traveling Chris Pratt, and while it’s been taped, Chris himself hasn’t actually taped it yet.
“Johnson! We need a name for our new line of steel claw game prizes! Something fun and playful that will appeal to young kids who want to try to win that favorite stuffed character while allaying their concerns about unauthorized use of trademarked properties!”
“I’m on it, Boss!”