Ted Parsnips

  1. ¿What’s Bueno? Solar Dancing Unlicensed Abominable Snowma— …”Yeti.”

    ¿What's Bueno? I'll Tell You!

    What?!  It’s not even Thanksgiving and I’m bypassing that holiday for Christmas stuff?!

    Yes. Maybe we’ll get to Thanksgiving tomorrow. For all, what, six of you that still visit regularly.

    So here’s the deal: You know I have a love / sometimes-not-love-so-much relationship with 99¢ Only stores.

    But mostly it’s love.  Awww…!

    When they sold all of their Halloween items for a buck a piece back in October, and then two Halloween items for a buck still in October, I was both stunned and delighted, as you were.

    Now, they’re selling all their Christmas accoutrements for 99¢ only, and they have a lot of good stuff.

    But what I really liked, at least for now, as it approaches two in the morning and I have a lot of other work to do and I want to go to bed at some point tonight, but I still want to throw something up here quickly…

    …is this thing:


    It’s a “Solar Dancing Yeti,” and you’ll agree it’s wonderful.

    You’ll also agree it’s like the Abominable Snowman from “Rudolph” and one of the “Where the Wild Things Are” creatures engaged in some unholy, monstrous, violent lovemaking, possibly even rolling off the edge of a cliff while intertwined, crushing both Max and Yukon Cornelius in the process, and the result, 22 months later (the normal gestation period for apelike cryptids) was this little fella.

    Anyway, it’s magnificent, it’s a delight, it’s very late, it’s just been awarded our highest rating of seven dollar signs, do pick one up, good night, and we’ll see you all tomorrow.


    My Rating: 7 out of 7 Dollar Signs. For the love of Christmas, buy one!

    Posted by on November 24, 2015, 1:59 AM.

  2. As A Matter Of Fact. . .

    . . .yes, my Dad still does have that jar of Musterole that was in our house when I was growing up in the 1970s — which seemed old then, and that has traveled with him over the past 40 years or so across three states and a few more living situations than that.



    Still got about a third left, too!


    According to my calculations, he’ll be in danger of running out in about 2039.

    And I was able to figure that out with this


    …the same Casio calculator he’s had since about 1977.


    Posted by on November 7, 2015, 7:51 PM.

  3. Let’s Mine An Innocent Coloring Book From 1973 For Modern Lowbrow Humor!


    Perhaps most troubling is how amenable the principal is to Woodsy’s idea.

    Posted by on November 2, 2015, 1:36 PM.

  4. Last Minute Costume Idea!


    Pick one of these up at Dollar Tree and you can go as Darth Vader performing court-mandated community service picking up trash alongside the road.

    Of course this presumes you already own a full Darth Vader costume that you can wear the vest on top of.

    Posted by on October 30, 2015, 2:07 AM.

  5. [Keep] Baby Alive!


    Here’s a Halloween surprise for you, from the good folks at that thrift store up near my gym!

    A coupla, whaddayacall, suitcases!  Just sittin’ there in the appliance section! 

    Two of them, there were!


    Turns out I’m in the market for a good quality used suitcase!  This fits the bill!


    Wait a second, it seems kind of heavy!  Maybe there’s something inside…

    Why, there is something inside!


    Oh my — it’s Resusci Baby!


    He’s adorable!

    But since there’s two suitcases…  Could it be…?


    Yes!  It’s Resusci Baby’s twin brother! Oh how will we ever tell ’em apart?!

    Of course…!


    By wrapping electrical tape around one of their wrists — just like they do in the maternity wards of our better hospitals.


    “I love you Resusci Baby!”

    Resusci Baby comes in his own carrying case. Resusci Baby’s twin brother sold separately. By Hasbr—


    …er, by Laerdal Medical Corp.

    Posted by on October 29, 2015, 11:44 AM.

  6. ¿What’s Bueno at the Dollar Store? This Tablet From Super Dollar!

    SUPER Dollar’s an anomaly among my local dollar stores.

    It opened about four years ago in a mid-sized retail location along busy Topanga Canyon Boulevard here in the lovely San Fernando Valley.

    Coupla strange things about Super Dollar:

    It originally didn’t look like a no-name, one-off dollar store. The logo, the signage inside — it seemed to be one of a chain of stores, like 99¢ Only and Dollar Tree. But it’s the only “Super Dollar” around (though there are Super Dollars on the East Coast with a slightly different logo). I get the impression my local Super Dollar was possibly an unfortunate franchise opportunity for someone who didn’t realize around here, independent dollar stores do fine without any big name.

    The other weird thing was that the store had about twice as much space as it had merchandise, so it always looked understocked.

    But they remedied that about two years ago when they closed off roughly half of the interior of the store and rented it to another business, and brought in a bunch more shelves and a ton more merchandise for the area they kept.


    Now that’s a dollar store, dammit!

    My favorite recent item, and now yours, can be found in the toy aisle:


    It’s a tablet, and while it doesn’t have a ton of memory to download a huge number of apps, neither is it prone to crashing.

    It’s great for kids as well as professionals, such as those who design labels for jars of peppers — frankly, I think this tagline on the package…


    …kind of says it all.

    So the choice is yours: An Apple iPad starting at about $400 if you insist on going with a name brand, or this more economical choice for a dollar.


    My rating: 4-1/2 out of 7 Dollar Signs.

    I would have awarded a higher score except this manufacturer is known for the rapid obsolescence of its products: There’s already rumors that the next generation tablet will feature a foam sponge over 1/8″ larger in overall area and an unlicensed, crudely traced image of Elsa from “Frozen” on the box of chalk.

    Posted by on , 2:45 AM.

  7. ¿What’s Bueno [or Not] at the Dollar Store? ¡Jalapnẽo Peppers!

    Sorry, 99¢ Only — this manufacturer isn’t exactly inspiring confidence in its product labeling ’em “Jalapnẽo Peppers.”


    And believe-you-me, it takes some effort trying to figure out how to get the tilde over the ‘e’ instead of the ‘n.’


    Once you know how, though, it’s fairly ẽasy. Kidna addictivẽ, as wẽll!

    Still, I’m sorry. It would bẽ dishoẽnst for mẽ to rẽcommnẽd thẽm to my rẽaders.


    My rating: 1 out of 7 dollar signs.  Buy somẽthnig ẽlsẽ!

    Posted by on October 28, 2015, 2:29 PM.

  8. ¿What’s Bueno At The Dollar Store? Dr. Jekyll & Mr. David Hyde Pierce!

    HERE’S what’s bueno at your local Dollar Tree for Halloween: Scary lenticular portraits!

    Lenticulars (“flickers” some people call ’em) are those plastic-ridgy pictures where you look at it one way, you see one image, you look at it another way, you see a different image, and you look at it the wrong way and it’ll kick your ass.

    These dual-image Halloween prints in the dollar stores have been around for a few years now — but this particular one bears worth mentioning:


    First of all, it’s pretty damn big:  The main image is about 7″ by about 11″ and with its “frame” it measures about 12″ by 16″.

    But more than that — it looks like David Hyde Pierce!

    I mean, it’s not just me, this is a manipulated photo of David Hyde Pierce, isn’t it?  They took a picture of him and messed around with it, right? Gave him glasses, drew on a mustache (poorly), maybe put him in different clothes, and called it a day, I’m thinking.

    Compare & contrast for yourself!


    Okay, well, that’s not helping my case.

    It’s almost as though it looks more like Mr. Pierce if you don’t have an actual photograph of the actor to compare it to. But still, you’ll agree it sort of evokes the feeling of David Hyde Pierce.

    Unfortunately, this being a lenticular, it’s very difficult to photograph it decently and not get either a glare off the plastic ridges or a partial view of the secondary image (in this case, a skeleton):


    Be that as it may, we’re rating this Halloween Lenticular From Dollar Tree That May Or May Not Have Used A Photograph Of David Hyde Pierce As Its Source Material…


    5 out of 7 dollar signs!

    …because it’s so big, it looks pretty cool, and, most of, because we’d all like to imagine a scene in “Frasier” where Niles enters his brother’s apartment carrying Dollar Tree bags (perhaps during the lean days of his separation from Maris) and announcing, “Apparently there’s something called a ‘dollar store’…”

    Posted by on , 2:41 AM.

  9. Recently, @Wendy’s!

    “Budek!  Just got a memo from Corporate!  They want us to push— …Budek? Budek!”

    “Choost a second! I yim almost finished. …Annnd sended!  Jes, what is it, Boss?”

    “Budek, shame on you! You know my policy against smartphone use during work hours! Put that thing away!

    Anyway, Corporate wants us to push the spicy chicken sandwich! We want customers to know we’ve added our own special mix of spices — black pepper, red pepper, and chili pepper to their favorite chicken breast. Topped with mayo, lettuce, and red, ripe tomato, Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich is more delicious and harder to resist than ever.

    So up on your ladder, Budek, and make me proud!”


    “Hold on, Boss. ‘Can’t…chat…now…boss…being…’ Boss, how is it you spell the bag of dush?”

    “The sign, Budek, the sign!”



    Posted by on October 22, 2015, 10:17 PM.

  10. Apparently Bollywood Is Officially Out Of Original Ideas!

    …because judging by this poster, it seems they’ve now remade “It’s Pat.”



    What took them so long?!

    Posted by on October 19, 2015, 3:57 AM.

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