Ted Parsnips

  1. ¿What’s Bueno? A Gallon of Miracle Whip, That’s What!

    ¿What's Bueno? I'll Tell You!

    OVER the last year or so, I’ve seen tons (literally!) of mayonnaise and mayonnaise-type products make their way through my local 99¢ Only stores. Everything from off-brand to name brand, though having just written that, it occurs to me that there’s not a lot, if anything, in between.

    But more often than not, that mayonnaise is name brand, and in decent-sized jars, too. Mostly it’s stuff nearing the end of its ‘best by’ date, which really means nothing, but in some cases, it’s unusual and sometimes unfortunate flavored mayonnaise.

    But this was a new one on me:

    galmw1

    That’s a gallon of Miracle Whip, folks!

    And while it may be technically a “dressing” (and I seem to recall that Kraft used to refer to it as a “sandwich dressing”), it still morally falls under the category of “mayonnaise-type products.”

    Anyway, a gallon of Miracle Whip comes in a jug is so big…

    galmw2

    …it’s got a handle to pour it.

    Believe it or not, I passed on it. And I challenge you to further believe it or not, but truth is, it’s not often I make anything that necessitates so much Miracle Whip that I have to pour it out of the gaping mouth of a huge jug.

    But it was a mistake: Knowing how the Ted Parsnips Web Design Team loves their egg salad sandwiches (at least judging by the smell in the break room downstairs), they certainly would have appreciated it. What’s more, the simple gesture of giving a gift, however inexpensive, would no doubt have gone far to build bridges between upper management and lowly, hourly-wage pixel-pushers.

    Heck, even if they didn’t use it in their egg salad, that wide-mouth jug would make it a snap to pour onto a bowl of Froot Loop Slightly Irregular Factory Seconds or whatever the hell the cereal is called that’s been strewn all over the floor and crunching underfoot in the IT department ever since one of them got back from visiting that Kellogg’s outlet store in Waterloo, New York.

    Let me tell you, between inane tangents that have nothing to do with the original subject and specific references that only 16.6667 of my, what, six readers will understand, even I’m beginning to wonder where I get the nerve to click that “publish” button.

    Posted by on March 28, 2015, 4:21 AM.

  2. Experts Are Calling For Better Headline Writers

    allergies

    “Hang those who speak of less pollen! These mild allergy seasons are making us too soft!” —Experts.

    Posted by on March 21, 2015, 5:09 PM.

  3. Parsnips’ Victory Garden!

    REGULAR READERS of this blog will recall how a while back, there were some, eh, plumbing problems here at Casa Parsnips resulting in raw sewage making a short trip down the toilet, through the pipes into the crawlspace  below the house, onward into the ground just a few feet from our lovely home — before building up sufficient pressure to blow the cap off the main sewage line and spewing you-don’t-want-to-know into the backyard for what was a sort of festive, brown-hued geyser that we had a dickens of a time keeping the neighborhood kids from frolicking in.

    Roots in the pipes, Little Minerva attempting to get rid of the evidence of the ghastly B- on her spelling test (we’ve since shuffled her off to a home with less academic-minded foster parents), the result of the  #2 Enchilada y Chile Relleno Grande Special from Sierra’s — who can really say what caused the unfortunate backup, buildup and blowout?

    The important thing is now, $800 later, it’s since been remedied and now there’s a short length of rebar leaning next to the commode to be used to break up anything larger than a Hot Pocket before flushing.

    Anyway, I was in the backyard a few days ago and I noticed this:

    tomaters

    Oh, you’re not imagining it: Those are three tomato plants where the flooding originally occurred. And I’m not certain, but I’m almost positive that other plant will eventually bear jalapeño peppers.

    My point in bringing all this up?

    I’m simply saying that life…finds a way.

    Also: I’d like to invite everyone over to sample some homemade salsa, and judging by how remarkably fast these plants are growing, let’s pencil it in for the second week in May.

    Posted by on March 18, 2015, 9:09 PM.

  4. Seen Last Night In the Parking Lot at 99¢ Only!

    ecr

    “Hello, Emergency Credit Repair? I was denied for a Capital One Visa, I defaulted on my Learning Annex student loans, my FICO score’s somehow in the single digits,  I have a bankruptcy on my record from a game of Monopoly I played with my sister in 1985, and the Salvation Army down the street won’t take my check for $3.99 to buy a pair of shoes I need to walk to the bank so I can beg them not to foreclose on my mortgage!”

    “Sit tight! We’re sending the van!”

    Posted by on March 15, 2015, 2:40 AM.

  5. It Came From The Thrift Store: Ceramipus!

    thriftleftbanner

    ceramipus

    A magnificent example of home furnishing decor from the H.P. Lovecraft Collection, originally sold exclusively at Bed, Bath & Beyond’s Innsmouth location.

    Posted by on March 11, 2015, 10:07 PM.

  6. ¿What’s Bueno? Pop Rock-like Vitamins! Sort of.

    ¡Es Muy Bueno!

    Discovered in the health & beauty aisle at my local Dollar Tree!

    VitaRocks C Immune System Support Dietary Supplement!

    vitarocks1

    “No Water Needed”  reads the box. “Just Pop In Your Mouth!”

    Like you’d be, I was intrigued. Could this be Vitamin C in fizzing candy form?! I gambled a buck to find out. For you, my readers.

    Once home, I tore into that box and found fourteen of these packets inside:

    vitarocks2

    So I ripped one open and what I found inside there, well, eh, I didn’t take a photo of.

    Orange powder.  Or it would have been, had it not been all clumped together.

    I ingested it — and why not? — I paid for it.

    Tasted like a pulverized chewable Vitamin C tablet, it did.

    I thought I detected a bit of fizziness, so throwing caution to the wind (and possibly risking a Vitamin C overdose — what I do for you what, six, readers!), I dug into another packet, the contents of which were more powdery, less clumpy, and yes, fizzier.

    Eventually, I read the damn box and yes, it confirms the popping aspect of this product:

    “Enjoy a burst of orange flavor while getting immune-boosting benefits all in a great-tasting, popping vitamin!”

    Fourteen packs for a buck is nothing to sneeze at, and the benefits of Vitamin C may well prevent you from sneezing altogether.*
    *Sneezing is often associated with having a cold.

    Despite the expiration date on the bottom being almost six months in the future, it seems that some of the contents’ packets were clumpier than others, with VitaRocks’ celebrated popping being more pronounced in the less clumpy ones (or, conversely, less pronounced in the more clumpy ones).

    Still, I found that if it’s the popping that you’re aiming for (and you should be), clumpy or no, tap the contents of a packet into your gaping maw, but then chew it with your mouth open, like a damn cow.

    For whatever reason, that seems to enhance the popping; but if you look like me (and you don’t), it doesn’t make for a pretty picture. A healthy immune system has its costs.

    Posted by on March 9, 2015, 12:47 PM.

  7. Today In Exciting New Banner Ads That Inspire Confidence In the Consumer! Part III!

    thisguy

    Presumably that “unfair advantage” refers to those of us who don’t have the resources to have our heads surgically removed and then grafted onto the bodies of muscular men of a different race.

    Continuing with today’s head-grafting theme, which I imagine is a short phrase that has never been written before…

    littlepersonh20

    “Love your idea for the ‘Game of Thrones’-themed bottled water. Now, it’s not right for us here in Licensing, but we’re going to send your concept art over to the mortgage refinancing division of our corporation in case they can use it.”

    Posted by on March 6, 2015, 1:50 PM.

  8. I May Have Just Stumbled Onto The Cause Of All Of Sears’ Problems!

    AS REGULAR READERS of this blog know, I ordered a coupla parts for my weed whacker from Sears on Tuesday, March 3rd. Of this year. 2015.

    Here’s my order confirmation:

    sears

    Well, sheesh, how long is the wait for items that aren’t in stock?!

    Posted by on , 2:13 AM.

  9. Allow Me To Recommend A Marvelous Local Business!

    LIKE YOU, I’m pretty impressionable when it comes to advertising.

    For instance — that new commercial with the unlikely animal pairs worked exactly as the genius ad-men behind it had planned:

    I found myself immediately running out to the exotic pet black market down the street and buying an Australian crocodile and one of those red-assed monkeys — hoping to create some adorable magic of my own.

    (Didn’t end well for Mr. Bananas, but I did manage to save most of his butt — I’m having it made into one of those horseshoe-shaped neck pillows you take on planes.)

    monkeybutt

    Anyway: Also like you, I may be pretty impressionable, but I’m not stupid. You and me, we weren’t born yesterday, were we? Nope.

    So recently, when I was in the parking lot of a local thrift store — thinking about sending flowers to a friend or loved one or grieving parents of a red-assed monkey, as many of us so often do when we find ourselves in the parking lot of local thrift stores — I saw this…

    bling

    …and I was of course intrigued. Maybe even a little impressed. And curious.

    But not yet won over.

    Because while such a magnificent and elaborate car window display certainly implies a particular level of professionalism and an advertising budget quite possibly over the $5 mark (depending on where they bought those rhinestones), I’ve been fooled by car-florists with clever names and flashy signs before.

    Then I wandered to the other side of the vehicle where I saw this:

    bling2

    Ah-haaa…! They somehow managed to scoop up both .net and .com! Not an easy task, I reckon, for such a popular domain name!

    These people are on the ball! That’s what I’m looking for in a florist.

    They’ve got all my flower business now, and, if I may be a bit presumptuous, I dare say yours, too!

    Posted by on March 5, 2015, 10:45 AM.

  10. Mixed Messages In The Liquor Aisle!

    abstynent

    Strange name for a vodka? Perhaps.

    But maybe it’s so-named intentionally — you know, to help fun-loving, dyed-in-the-wool drunkards skirt inquiries about staying sober without resorting to lying.

    “Parsnips you pathetic lush — you been laying off the Smirnoff?”
    “Huh? Whuh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah – Abstynent!”
    “Good for you! Keep it up!”
    “Awright then!”

    Posted by on , 12:35 AM.

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