Ted Parsnips

  1. This Story Stinks!

    As if this wasn’t disturbing enough…!

    As if every aspect of this news story isn’t bad enough!

    And it’s at Rhode Island School of Design!  RISD!  One of our nation’s most important art schools!  The art school with such high standards, they even rejected my portfolio!

    If there’s nothing but tolerant, accepting, progressive people at a major art school — an art school people! — I don’t know what to think! Well, for the record, I’m sure there’s a majority of tolerant, accepting, progressive people there…but evidently at least one bad apple.

    And as though all that weren’t bad enough, there’s more!

    To make this story even worse…

    Someone thought “feces” needed to be pluralized into “feceses.”

    Posted by on February 24, 2017, 3:57 PM.

  2. “This Is Jim Rockford . . .”

    jgarnerin

    “…At the tone, leave your name & message. I’ll get back to you.”

    rockfordtitle

    :: beeeep ::

    “Hey, Rockford — it’s Moss Williams. You remember me. From the joint. Yeah, well I’m out now and it’s payback time. When I find you, I’m takin’ you out!”

     

    *  *  *  *  *  *

     

    fontane

    “So after this, Rockford, maybe you an’ me, maybe we get some cotton candy & hit the merry-go-round. Whaddaya say?”
    “Uh…”

    Posted by on December 2, 2016, 1:55 AM.

  3. Meat and Meat By-Products To Inspire and Motivate

    99how

    Oh my.

    Chicken Soup for the Soul…cat food.  Featuring of all the things cats love: Red-skinned potatoes, spinach, carrots, and sweet potatoes.

    There must have been a lot of drinking at the licensing expo that year.

    That this product even exists is not the craziest part.

    csfts

    No, the craziest part is that the 99¢ Only store is trying to unload these small, Fancy Feast-sized cans of it for, yes, 99¢ Only…each.

    At that price, the old people on severely fixed incomes who shop at 99¢ Only are going to starve!

    Posted by on October 6, 2016, 1:44 AM.

  4. Another Thrift Store Masterpiece!

    thriftleftbanner

    Eleven years ago Richard Black took paintbrush in hand and changed the face of modern art forever…

    …with this!

    richblack1

    Let’s take a closer look, hmm?

    In the foreground, we’ve got a rather stern-looking woman in her classic LBD. She’s not a dame to be trifled with, by that look on her puss!

    richblack2

    She contemplates life as she peers out over the ocean. Has she been stood up? Perhaps she’s just broken up with someone. Or is she angry that despite trying the controversial and painful hot-glob-of-tar-to-the-scalp treatment, at least one stubborn, hardy arachnid from that tarantula infestation on her head still remains?

    And that churning sea — does it call to her? Can she sense Cthulhu beckoning through that vestigial tentacle she’s thrown stylishly over her shoulder?

    richblack3

    Now as for the wreckage behind her: A Porsche has careened off the road, onto the sidewalk and crashed into the railing. The impact has caused the hood to fly up with enormous force yet instead of crumpling into a dented, folded, collapsed wad of mangled steel, it now resembles a sliver of uncooked beef at a Mongolian barbecue — a phenomenon someone with a better understanding of physics than myself could probably explain.

    Did the driver, or driveh, as the vanity plate reads, survive? Is that him (or her) looking at the Woman at the Railing, or is it merely a pale, black-clad passerby, stopping to peer at the carnage inside, on his or her way to a beat poetry reading at a local café?

    There’s no right answer. It’s up to the viewer to interpret the scene.

    richblack4

    One thing’s for sure, though: If he did crash because he was distracted by the painting’s main figure — and he survived — he should thank his lucky stars. There was no way he’d have walked away from hitting head-on that enormous wall of matzoh bread that the road dead-ends into just a few yards farther.

    Posted by on September 6, 2016, 6:03 AM.

  5. Are We To Presume It Tastes Like The Rind?

    99how

    Mmm-mm!  Green watermelon frosting!

    watermelon

    Posted by on August 2, 2016, 3:31 AM.

  6. Apparently, The Feeling Wasn’t Mutual…

    thriftleftbanner

    …Or there was a big argument and subsequent falling-out.

    bestfriend

    Or maybe it just got weird in general having this around, as it offers no clue as to whom it refers.

    Presumably, this large wooden block — it seems to be an about 10″ section of a two-by-four — was a gift from one “bestie,” as you kids insist on saying, to another.

    But then what? The recipient puts it on her coffee table or a shelf in the living room and everyone who comes over starts wondering, “Is she just really friendly?”  “Is that about me?”  “Does she think I’m her best friend?” and “Sheesh, I’m just here to fix the cable. Now apparently I’ve got to clear my Sunday for brunch with this woman.”

    And, dear God, what happens if two of her friends visit at the same time?! The confusion! The awkwardness! The inevitable catfight!

    Nope, she was right to get rid of it.

    Of course, the curse strikes again with whoever buys it and gives it next.

    Posted by on July 13, 2016, 3:13 AM.

  7. Today In Clippings From 60 Or So Years Ago!

    oldmags

    *Second best would be newspapers, and that’s what we have for you today.


    ricketts

    “Your mother’s too weak to make dinner tonight so everyone into the car, gang — we’re going to Rickett’s!”
    “Aw, gee, Pop, it’s so dark in that place and they’re always out of milk.”
    “Enough of your bellyaching and help your sister with her leg braces.”


    mrscronin

    “I’ll bet Zelda Fitzgerald doesn’t have to wear funny hats to help support her husband’s writing career.”
    “I, um, wouldn’t know, Mrs. Cronin.”
    “And that Pauline Pfeiffer. You think Hemingway has her doing these sort of things?”
    “I’m sorry, ma’am. I-I’m really just here to take the photo.”


    crazyeyes

    “…the lovely bride-to-be is the daughter of Mildred and Nosferatu McMullen.”


    hollywoodbread

    “…And that Grace Kelly. You think Hitchcock has her doing these sort of things?”
    “Ma’am…”

    Note that Hollywood Bread featured  “a particular blend of selected ingredients”  — as opposed to those lesser brands made with just a random combination of whatever’s handy.


    666

    Directions: Swallow two tablets with a full glass of goat’s blood every four hours. Do not mix with pea soup.


    homecoming

    “Billy Ray Wilder and Libby Ferguson were picked as Homecoming King & Queen by sympathetic and increasingly unnerved members of the Class of 1952 after Billy Ray was tragically killed in a car accident last month but reluctant to completely leave this world and move on…”

    Posted by on June 27, 2016, 3:42 AM.

  8. The Day The Oompa-Loompa Cried — or! — Willy Wonka and the Concentration Camp!

    Here’s hearty, well-fed Augustus Gloop, outside the gates of the Wonka Candy Factory, waiting to get in:

    gloop1

    Here’s a bunch of poor, hungry Jewish kids inside the gates of Auschwitz, never to get out:

    gloop2

    The top image is of course from the beloved, non-Tim Burton film, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” (1971).

    And the bottom image is from the infamous Jerry Lewis train wreck, “The Day the Clown Cried” (1972).

    Now, that kid in the tan trenchcoat just to the right of the center probably isn’t Michael Bollner, who played young Gloop in Wonka, but the important thing is he kind of looks like him, I guess he could be him, but even if that’s not the case I’ve just started some sort of ridiculous urban legend with no basis in fact. Let that be my legacy.

    If nothing else, it makes you think. Maybe that pipe Augustus got sucked up didn’t go to the fudge room after all.

    Posted by on June 20, 2016, 3:07 AM.

  9. ¿What’s Bueno at the Dollar Store? ¡Captain America Pretzels!

    buenoheaderblogz

    Here’s a ¿What’s Bueno? item for the 16.67% of my, what?, six readers who are big fans of all them Marvel superheroes:

    avengzels

    Available at 99¢ Only, it’s a bag of organic pretzels with Captain America on the package!

    Since pretzels are already a low-fat snack, and these are organic as well, here’s a snack I can feel good about eating!

    …And as such, I wanted nothing to do with them, instead choosing something sweet & fatty from the Hostess shelf.

    They’re also made in the USA, so that’s a good fit for patriotic Captain America! Heaven knows we Americans have had it up to here with all those cheap, imported pretzels. No artificial flavors, either — and I can’t tell you how sick I am of eating half a bag of pretzels before noticing the first ingredient listed on the bag is “artificial pretzel flavoring.” Not a problem here, folks!

    Best of all, the irony of Super Soldier Serum-enhanced Captain America appearing on an organic brand called “Pure Growth” makes these pretzels — which, again I didn’t buy and have never tasted — that much more delicious!

    6.5dollars

    My rating: 6.5 out of 7 stars, because why not? No one reads these things for the ratings anyway. Who am I kidding? No one reads these things period.

    Posted by on June 10, 2016, 3:49 PM.

  10. Apparently Homer Simpson Is Now Designing Candy

    Well, it looks like some kind of Simpsons-type joke come to life, anyway.

    megaload

    Kind of an unfortunate name, too.

    megaload2

    All it’s missing is the rich, creamery butter.

    I’m not saying I wouldn’t eat them, though.

    Posted by on June 9, 2016, 1:20 AM.

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