¿What’s Bueno? Planter’s NUT•rition Peanut Butter!
Sweet pickled radicchio! Do my eyes deceive me?! Look what’s at the 99¢ Only store – peanut butter!
And not just any peanut butter, but high-end, name-brand, fancy peanut butter! Faaaaaaancy peanut butter!
From Planters! The peanut people!
New! says the label! Planters NUT•rition Energy Mix Berry Nut and Cinnamon Raisin Granola Nut peanut butter. Twelve ounces for 99¢ only. Who could say no to that? You could?
Well, what if I pointed out that the lid is green? And this isn’t your father’s green! Back in the old days, a green lid on a jar of peanut butter meant it was either lime-flavored peanut butter or menthol light peanut butter or an open case of peanut butter was back in the stockroom when the maintenance crew put a fresh coat of spray paint on the cardboard baler!
No, today, green implies healthy and/or recycled! I’m going out on a limb here and presume that, even though I bought this at the 99¢ Only store, this isn’t recycled peanut butter so that leaves only one other possibility: healthy! You’d pay 99¢ only for a jar of healthy peanut butter, wouldn’t you?
Of course you would! We all would!
How exactly is it healthy? I’m glad you asked! It’s got Mr. Peanut using his cane to mime a golf swing on the label, and it’s from Planters NUT•rition line of products – which is a play on the word “nutrition.” Could it be any more healthy?
And that’s not all! It’s also got 10% copper! See?
Do you know how much copper sells for these days?!
…Neither do I, but I know it’d be a hell of a lot easier to buy a bunch of this stuff from the 99¢ Only store and smelt it down to the copper and peanut alloys (peanutium rises to the top) than to break into construction sites and vacant houses and steal all the copper wiring like we all did during the summers we were in college.
Here’s the Cinnamon Raisin Granola Nut version:
I tried some on a crisp Ritz cracker!
And then there’s this one, the Berry Nut type:
Which I also tried on a crisp Ritz cracker. Mmm-mm! Good cracker! Good cracker!
As you know, everything tastes great when it sits on a Ritz, but the first one – the granola one – it was just a little bit better. Crunchy, it was. And not crunchy like chunky peanut butter. Really crunchy, like there was granola made of rice in there, which there was. Who the hell makes granola out of rice? you ask. Apparently Planters does. Don’t argue, it gives it a nice crunch.
Tired? Need a quick pick-me-up without the crash? Toss those cans of Monster M-80 in the garbage, you’re going to chug a peanut butter sandwich! Yes, that’s right – these are “Energy Mix” peanut butters.
Like a peanut butter adrenaline shot directly to the heart, they are! Christ almighty I hope you’re not allergic to peanut butter!
Oh, by the way, if you are allergic to peanut butter, and, by extension, peanuts…?
Or even peanut, singular, I guess.
Anyway, there ya go: Planters NUT•rition Energy Mix Peanut Butter (contains: peanut) is what’s bueno at the 99¢ Only store today. But it won’t be for long, because every jar they had (and they had a lot of them) had a best-by date of somewhere around the third week of February. And folks, we’re there now.
Now that’s not to say that they won’t continue to carry them long past the best-by date. Good heavens, no – this is the 99¢ Only store we’re talking about, after all! I’m just saying that maybe they won’t be as bueno, say, fourteen months down the road as they are today.