What’s Bueno At The 99¢ Only Store: Old El Paso Tortilla Stuffers!
HERE’S a little something you’d turn your nose up in the regular grocery store – and by Godfrey, you’d be right to do so:
But for some reason, when these things show up at the 99¢ Only Store, brother, you and I, we can’t get enough of ’em!
And here’s why: They’re 99¢! Only!
You know what these things go for in a real grocery story? Well, I’ll tell you– No, no, wait! I’ll do better – I’ll show you:
Holy crap! Two for six dollars, and that’s on sale! What kind of idiot pays $3 a piece for these? I guess the kind of idiot who’s slightly smarter than some moron who pays full price for them when they’re not on sale!
No, you and I, pal, we’d never pay that price for these things; why, we don’t even know what the hell they are. But suddenly, for 99¢ (only), they’ve piqued our interest.
So I bought one, and Christ almighty, these Old El Paso Tortilla Stuffers Meal Starters, why, they’re not bad! To paraphrase a wise man, I don’t know why they call this stuff a “meal starter.” It does just fine by itself.
I mean, it includes meat – says so right on the package. Hell, they’ve even underlined it, they’re so confident of its meat content. And easy…? Brother, you know it. Simply squeeze the packet to break up any lumps like you’re massaging the blood clots out of your thigh after a nine-hour flight, tear open a corner, stand it up in the ol’ microwave, set it on high for sixty seconds and a minute later, why, mister, you’ve got yourself a meal!
I guess technically, you could actually put this delicious concoction in a tortilla as the package directs you to, but if you’re like me, you don’t play by the rules. You like to experiment, and I don’t mean the way you did with your dorm roommate the year you went to Reed before dropping out. No, I mean you like to develop your own recipes, which is exactly what I did here.
I started with a bed of Granny Goose tortilla chips (99¢ Only Store!), then emptied the contents of the Tortilla Stuffers packet on top and distributed it evenly, as though I was spreading cow manure on the front lawn. To this I added a liberal dousing of 99¢ Only-store purchased Louisiana Gem Jalapeno Pepper Sauce. (Not a typo! There’s no tilde over the ’n’ on the bottle – oh, I sent them an email.) And then on top of this I added some jalapeño slices – also from the good folks at Old El Paso and bought in jar form at, yes!, the 99¢ Only store.
The result? Nachos Del Parsnips™. A delight for the taste buds.
Also available at the 99¢ Only Store and also an official Ted Parsnips What’s Bueno At The 99¢ Only Store selection, Old El Paso Tortilla Stuffers Garlic Chili Chicken variety.
You can make Nachos Del Parsnips with the chicken version too, only with this stuff, you’ll want to spread it over the chips like you’re spreading chicken manure over your garden, rather than cow manure over your lawn.
Oh, I’m sorry, have I offended your tender sensibilities? Have I ruined Old El Paso Tortilla Stuffers for you permanently with my colorful turns of phrase?
Good. More for me.