Sav•On’s Adult [Children] Coloring Book!
GOOD LORD, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?
Look, I want to personally thank all of my readers who have kept’ comin’ back despite the same old lousy content just stagnating here, with no new posts in forever! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Well, that’s one benefit of only having, what, six regular readers.
Anyway, finally — here’s some new lousy content! So let’s get started huh?
The big thing these days is coloring books, for adults. Right? Sure!
You an’ me, we’re seein’ ’em everywhere. But when they start popping up at the dollar stores and, as of this past Saturday, at a thrift store…
…you know this trend is finally, thankfully coming to an end! Eventually!
Now as you know, before there were coloring books for adults, there were coloring books for kids.
And, as you’ll see in the case of this free Sav•On coloring book…
…in this case, there was a coloring book for children featuring children who look like adults.
I generally try not to knock other creative-type people’s output, especially artwork, because heaven knows as much as I like to draw, anything I draw ends up looking tortured and overwrought.
Still, this coloring book was given away in 1996 — 20 years ago! — and there’s no longer Sav•On Drugstores in the LA area. Plus, chances are, whoever drew this thing will never see this…or is a much better artist today.
So what I’m saying is, let’s all chuckle at the funny pictures!
“Sure, ma’am, here’s the foot powder you said you were looking for so you could distract me while you slipped that jar of Olay Regenerist Moisturizer in your purse. Security!”
It’s not just me, right? She’s patting that pocketbook and looking around like she’s done something wrong. Clearly the woman is a thief.
“Kevin, honey, look — it’s the photo I took of that bowl we use to cut your hair! Oh, that’s right — you can’t see. That’s why you’re groping blindly towards my voice but staring straight ahead.”
Mom evidently saves even more money by printing out a picture of a teddy bear on a piece of paper rather than giving her daughter a real, three-dimensional one, and limiting the girl’s footwear expenses to socks.
The less said about that disturbing homunculus in the cart, the better.
The right medicine doesn’t do you any good when it’s over at the pharmacy counter and Mom is high on meth, fixating on a can of Barbasol in the shaving aisle.
“Lady, you know the drill — I give you the growth hormone for your malformed little dwarf boy there, you let me touch your boob. Honk!”
“Maybe this box of candy will let your mother know I still love her despite giving me two freak show children with strange, adult-like proportions.”
“Oh, sweetie, despite the inexplicable and awkward way I’m holding my hands, you really frightened me — almost as much as when I’d first seen the ultrasound images and I realized I’d soon be giving birth to something with a head that size.”
“Sav•On has all my school supplies — including this bulletproof vest I’m forced to wear all the time because my grotesque reptilian features naturally make people want to kill me.”
Of course the real horror of all this is that WordPress automatically decreases image quality to about, what, 60% of the original, so if you think these children look bad here, imagine how horrifying they look in real life; i.e., the actual coloring book!
In fact, you’re probably saying, “Ted, you jackass, if the whole gist of this thing is how bad the drawings are, and we can barely see them for all the blurriness, why the hell should the, what, six of us keep coming back here every four months to read your latest bit of nonsense?”
Well, I don’t have a good answer for that.
But I am impressed that during the time between posts you evidently got organized and nominated one of you to speak for the group.