1. Number Two With A Magic Bullet!

    I’M ALL FOR picking up after one’s dog, and frankly, I’m all for getting violent towards those who refuse to do so. Or if not violent, at least exacting some kind of revenge. (And rest assured, if I had a dog, I’d pick up after it!)

    So I was excited, though a bit confused, when I saw this out by the curb in front of a neighbor’s house.

    dogspoop

    Is this a general warning…or a specific threat?

    Does the homeowner who posted this believe that dog waste that goes unscooped somehow makes its way into the public water supply?

    Look, I’m the first to admit — with its antiquated series of pipes and deteriorating water delivery infrastructure and sinkholes every other week and burst pipes and flooded UCLA basketball courts — the LA Department of Water & Power is, yes, a piece of sh_t, though not necessarily that of the canine variety.

    paddle

    Still: Not picking up after your dog doesn’t send the gift that Fido left behind on one’s lawn on some sort of exciting Paddle-to-the-Sea adventure where it ultimately ends up bobbing and floating in an otherwise pristine holding tank of drinking water.

    So what I think this sign means is that if you don’t pick up after your dog, some big guy’s going to come out of the house with a blender, a garden hose, and maybe a handful of grass clippings, plop Rover’s steaming pile into the pitcher, hit purée, and whip up some sort of fecal smoothie right there. And then make you drink it.

    And while I don’t know these people, if I ever become friends with them and they invite me over for margaritas, I’m politely declining unless I know for a fact they own two blenders. Or have a really good dishwasher.

    Or they use really high-end, top shelf tequila. The alcohol content would probably kill any lingering heartworm larvae right?

    Posted by on June 2, 2016, 3:06 AM.

Ted Parsnips: Too Many Kittens! © 2011–2019 Ted Parsnips. All rights reserved. Layout by Andrew Sylvester. All content property of Ted Parsnips or its respective owner, unless otherwise specified.