Oh, and before you try to figure just which Fallas Paredes discount clothing store it was taken at, you should know it’s already spoken for. I’ve talked to the store manager and let’s just say I’ve made it worth his while to not ship it back, as required, to Lucasfilm/Disney, and to tell them it was accidentally “thrown out.”
In just a month or so, that yellow piece of paper is mine.
Found in a thrift store near me for a quarter, and I bought it — because why not?, it was a quarter:
Apparently, in addition to Sony Electronics, Sony Pictures Entertainment, Sony Computer Entertainment, Sony Music Entertainment, Sony ATV/Music Publishing, Sony Mobile Communications and Sony Financial Holdings…
…there was, presumably, at one time, a Sony Cake Decorating Supplies Division.
Like you, I can’t imagine why they gave up on this lucrative industry.
HERE’S what’s bueno at the dollar store, specifically Super Dollar, that one down the street from me:
Why, it’s a 2-pack of boys briefs — and you know they’re good: They’ve got the Spongebob Squarepants Seal of Approval on ’em!
See, they help build self-esteem and promote a healthy self-image — by reinforcing the message to the wearer that he’s gorgeous.
My rating: 6 out of 7 dollar signs, on account of I covered the “girls boxer” version of these two years ago, and now it’s — hold on, let me do the math — now it’s two years later, and rather than Nickelodeon/Viacom having shut them down, somehow these creepy underpants have become a dollar store staple.
And as you collectors know, the best items in any extensive collection of a licensed property are always the unauthorized items.
But if my Jedi Mind Trick didn’t work on you, and it is the non-dairy coffee creamer you’re looking for, and you’re a collector, here’s a tip: There’s mint-in-package and there’s rancid French Vanilla in package, the latter of which is what you’ll get if you don’t empty it out before you give it an honored space next to your vinyl-cape Jawa and your Topps C3P0 penis card. And brother, if you don’t pour it out, eventually that plastic bottle’s going to swell and swell and swell…and then following a sudden explosion of Death Star proportions, you’re going to be spending the next few months cleaning chunkified high oleic soybean oil off of every piece of Star Wars memorabilia you’ve spent the last 38 years collecting. Or I guess the short version of all that is: “Oh geez, look, R2D2 Coffee Mate.”
While we’re discussing Star Wars, there’s this, too, which I also saw at Walmart today:
As with all inflatable Christmas lawn decorations, it’s hideous and you wouldn’t want it on your lawn or your neighbors’ lawn or anywhere that you’d have to see it, and you’d be forgiven if you ran merrily around your neighborhood with a steak knife and permanently disabled any you could find. (You’d be forgiven by me, anyway. I don’t have much sway with your neighbors, the homeowners association, or the local police.) The point is, as awful is it is, it still makes some sense in an absurd and not particularly funny way, and I get it.
This one I don’t get:
It’s just a Star Wars character. On your lawn. And, uh, it happens to be Christmastime.
As horrible and ridiculous as the other one is, at least they tied it into Christmas by having Darth Vader take a break from choking disbelievers to death and building a snowman and tossing wrapped presents around it.
Couldn’t they give this guy a corncob pipe or something? A button nose? Two eyes made out of carbonite, maybe?
MAN, I tell ya — seems despite all the bueno stuff available at the 99¢ Only store lately, I’ve been seriously remiss in covering what’s bueno over there — distracted, as I often am, by collectibles from Dollar Tree — their arch-rival!
So let’s see if we can make up for that with this:
Holy cow! It’s a quarttannaug for just 99¢ only!
Whoa, slow down, Ted — you’re so excited, people won’t be able to understand you! They’ll think you’re blogging about obscure Massachusetts port towns now!
Okay, okay… Deep breath…
All right, like I was saying, it’s a full-on quart of nog — specifically Silk brand Almond Nog, pumpkin spice variety, for 99¢ Only.
Oh, you know I bought a quart! You know I did!
I think what sold me on it was the gift tag-like label — the sign of good taste!
So I got it home, and I had a glass! A glasannaug, sure.
Steady, Ted, steady…
The best way I can describe it is it’s kind of like the non-GMO, soy-free, dairy-free, gluten-free drinkable equivalent of a collect-’em-all bike bag.
Wait wait wait! That’s not a bad thing.
Silk brand Pumpkin Spice flavored Almond Nog is kind of holiday-themed, so that’s nice.
It’s just that it’s pretty much impossible getting away from the concept of “egg” when you’ve already committed to “nog.” I mean, how many other nogs can you name?
I’m sorry, WhiteWave Foods, benificent makers of Silk brand Almond Nog, but seriously: Anything other than “egg” that precedes “nog” is a punchline in reverse. You’d have been better off calling it “Faux Egg Nog.”
And as you all know — or should know, if you’ve invited me to any holiday get-togethers, I love pumpkin pie. Love it, love it, looooooove-it! Mmm-mm! Good pie! Good pie!
But “pumpkin-spice almond nog”…? All kindsa things can go wrong there.
The nog wasn’t bad, though the nog tasted a little artificial. And you know how I feel about artificially banana-flavored stuff. Don’t make me extend that one-item list to include “pumpkin spice.”
Bottom line? Bottom line regarding the nog? I’m happy I paid just 99¢ only for it.
Having said all that: I’m not allergic to gluten, I’m not lactose-intolerant, I don’t have some sort of stupid ethical dilemma with dairy items. So you’re getting the opinion of a guy who bought a quarttanaug simply because it was 99¢. Perhaps if I was stymied by any of those problems, I might appreciate it more, and by the way, I think we all appreciate how I’ve dismissed legitimate medical issues with the fun verb “stymy.”
Look, it’s late and I’m just digging myself in deeper here, so let’s end this now:
My Rating: 5.5 out of 7 Dollar Signs. On account of it’s not bad, it’s got really low fat (so low that I drank the whole quarttannaug in one gulping and wasn’t concerned about my trim girlish figure), and it’s probably good for you people who are still on that ridiculous “gluten-free” kick.
TODAY’S What’s Bueno item comes from our good friends at Dollar Tree, on account of it seems we never do enough What’s Buenos from them.
So in the spirit of the season, I’m doing a What’s Bueno from them today.
Anyway, it’s this thing:
It’s a bike bag!
Look carefully at the photo on the package — now, do you suppose it was an artistic decision to just show half of the bike inside the bag so there’s no question as to what a “bike bag” is used for…or does this bike bag, in fact, only fit half a bike?
Well, the bag apparently measures 60″ x 72″ so I’m guessing it’s the former. But, perhaps we’ll never know, because as it turns out, I didn’t buy this bike bag.
[ Just so you know…? I checked with my attorney and he tells me that I’m well within my rights reviewing items for “¡What’s Bueno at the Dollar Store!” without actually buying them. Well within my rights. In fact, I might as well just come clean, before that Michael Moore documentary on me comes out — a lot of times, I don’t even buy the damn ¡What’s Bueno at the Dollar Store! items that I review. Sheesh, what do you think — that I’m made out of dollars? ]
Anyway, what makes this Christmas House™ brand bike bag such a delight is this, at the bottom of the package:
Apparently, not only do you, what, six regular readers think I’m made of dollars, the Christmas House™ people think I’m made out of bicycles, and expect that I’ll be giving away four of them this Christmas and thus would have a reason for “Collect[ing] All 4 Designs.”
And to that I say, “Thanks a lot, Christmas House™, for spoiling the surprise.”
The cat is out of the bicycle bag: Four of you can expect shiny new bicycles in wonderful 60″ x 72″ bicycle bags under your tree this year from me.
Two of you, however, severely disappointed me — you know who you are! – and you’ll be getting nothing but cold Almond Nog & abuse from me this holiday season.
My Rating: 3.5 out of 7 Dollar Signs. Eh, probably perfectly serviceable as a bike bag, but let’s face it: It’s only being showcased here because of that genius “Collect All 4 Designs” bit.
After you’ve watched The Wiz live tonight on NBC, if you’re still hankerin’ for a new and different take on a beloved musical, check out this LP I saw in a thrift store (but left there for you):
It’s The Black Mikado!
Hmm…culturally-insensitively-written Asian characters traditionally played by white actors now being played by African-American actors?
Wow, I don’t even know where to begin with who I’m offended by this one, but I’ll start with Goodwill, who wanted $2.99 for it.