Saw this awesome designer mouse pad at the 99¢ Only store the other day for — yes! — 99¢ only.
Oh, don’t let the hang tag [industry term] fool you! It says “Mouse Pads,” plural, but there’s only one to a package! No matter — I don’t need to tell you that even sold singly, this thing is a delight!
Like you, it’s making me nostalgic for 2014, when the calendar might have been useful, and even more nostalgic for some years before that, when we still used mouse pads!
EVERY night, just after midnight — at precisely 12:01 a.m. — I log into ol’ Google Analytics and check the ol’ traffic to the ol’ blog.
You know, to see what’s trending [industry term] here on Ted Parsnips Dot Com among you, what, six readers; find out what’s hot (Wendy’s Ghost Pepper Fries Review — more hits than anything else, currently), and what’s not (some ridiculous piece I vomited out comparing one of the girls on “Girls” to Edith, dere, on “All In the Family,” that seemed like a good idea at the time — absolute bottom of the list.
I know what you’re thinking: “Jesus-God, there’s a hundred other total crap things this jackass has put up here that’s even worse than that; this is what people are avoiding?!” Hey, I’m as stunned as you are.)
Wow, that was quite a long parenthetical aside, wasn’t it? There was even a paragraph break and it continued!
Now, like everyone else who accesses Google Analytics to track traffic to their websites, I have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m doing. I log into my account, I click a bunch of interesting-looking links, but I have very little concept on how to interpret 95% of the resulting data.
These things I do know: ‘Site Content’ is a no brainer. It generally tells me which posts people are looking at. That much I can decipher.
And “Location” (under “Geo”) is usually kind of fun. It brings up a map of the world, showing where people are looking at my site from.
When I click on a specific nation, it shows me a closeup of that country and can even show me which specific cities and towns my site’s visitors are from. It’s all quite fascinating or scary, depending on how much you think about that, and whether you’re the blogger or the bloggee.
Anyway, as a patriotic American, I care little for the rest of the world, and am only concerned with my country, and, to be more specific, how many people are visiting it, and from where. That hit from Mt. Kisco, New York: Is it my beloved aunt who lives there, making sure I’m not spilling any family secrets online, or is it related to the occasional references I make to personal hero Bennett Cerf, who spent the last part of his life amidst its verdant rolling hills?
Wasilla, Alaska has popped up more than once, begging the question “Could it be Sarah Palin, too, is as much of a fan of anachronistic package design as I am?”
And who would have guessed there’s a place in Tennessee called “Goodlettsville” and someone there decided to visit my blog for some unholy reason?
So here’s what I see tonight:
Notice anything unusual?
Well, let me clue you in by telling you there’s a hole in my heart that’s as big as the state of Wyoming right now. Someone from every other state — even Hawaii and Alaska, our two new states — took time out of his or her busy schedule to visit this website over the past 30 days, but no one — not a single person! — from Wyoming could be bothered! And they’ve got 563,626 persons, plural, in that state. You know how I know? I went on their website! But I guess reciprocity isn’t big in Wyoming, huh? I guess you’re not the Reciprocity State, are you, Wyoming?
Nope. According to their website, Wyoming is the so-called “Equality State.”
Well, I’ll tell you one thing, brother — it didn’t get its nickname from showing…equality among…uh… from showing equality to websites…eh…like mine by, um… by visiting them!
But I’m not going to be petty. Maybe — just perhaps! — it’s…me.
Maybe it’s the stuff I post here, despite the fact that every single letter, each and every punctuation mark — including dashes and seemingly liberal use of italicization — are agonized over!
Perhaps content such as “National Thrift Store Throw These The Hell Out Day” and fried bologna sandwich recipes and whatever the hell this was supposed to be just doesn’t resonate with our Wyoming neighbors. Who knows?
But I’ll tell you one thing: I aim to fix it!
So, bearing all that in mind, be sure to come back tomorrow for the debut of a brand new feature!
* * * * *
Update! — Mere Hours Later!
The good people at Visit Wyoming (@wyomingtourism on the Twitter) saw my needy, high-maintenance tweet and were kind enough to respond!
— Visit Wyoming (@wyomingtourism) June 19, 2015
Look at that! All I had to do is ask! That’s the kind of folks they got in Wyoming — good folks!
You bet I’ll come and see Wyoming sometime! —Come back and see ‘er again, that is!
For as regular readers of this blog know, I was there about ten years ago and enjoyed such sights as Devil’s Tower, an A&W restaurant in the middle of nowhere along a highway where they still serve root beer in frosty mugs, and a Walmart where I was evidently so caught up in everything Wyom-ish that I decided it was a good idea to buy a cowboy hat and wear it for a few days. Thank God this was in the days before cell-phonular photography.
We know we belong to the land,
And the land we belong to is grand!
And when we saaay
We’re only sayin’
You’re doin’ fine, Wyoming!
AS REGULAR READERS of this blog know, I was wandering down the cereal aisle at Ralph’s the other day and what do I see — what do I see! — but this:
And while we all agree the idea behind “Mini Trix” is a good one, we’ll also concede, all of us, that the product development team responsible for this delightful new take on an old classic simply didn’t take it far enough.
It got me thinking.
I spent the weekend in the “lab.” (Ha! Really, the workbench in the garage!) And after a lot of misfires, snafus, setbacks, and beers, I finally emerged late Sunday night with a prototype.
Oh, sure, it may not look like much to the naked eye, but brother, let me tell you, what you see above is the result of a double-sided chalkboard crowded with infinitely difficult math equations describing chemical processes you can’t even begin to fathom, dozens of beakers and squiggly tubes and Bunsen burners going at full tilt, some wacky, repetitive sound effect they always use in cartoons for overcomplicated machines, and, okay, a fair bit of pulverizing cereal pieces with a hammer.
Ladies and gentlemen, forget “Mini Trix.”
…I give you Micro Trix.
General Mills, I await your call.
Have that checkbook ready.
Now you, too, can smell like Lou Ferrigno.
Or, I suppose, Edward Norton, Eric Bana, or Mark Ruffalo.
And for just a buck! Heck, you can’t even buy a decent pair of purple shorts for a buck these days. Though I suppose you never could.
Anyway, Hulk for Men Eau de Toilette Spray is…
…for today, June 10, 2015. Like I’m doing these on a daily basis now.
Since when is the well-timed squeeze of a whoopee cushion when the entire stupid yoga class is doing the stupid Downward Dog considered “disrespecting others”?!